Who knew a simple task of taking a shower in the morning would be so daunting. Since Wednesday I developed a fear of taking a shower because of the hair loss. Every time I did, more hair came off. This morning my heart was pounding, I was so afraid that I will lose all of it. I didn't, but my hair's a lot thinner in only two days! After the shower I blow dried my hair. Holy cow, I lost a whole lot more. So this morning I was more or less convinced I'll get it over and done with and have it shaved. I was undecided, confused and scared.
Mark and I went to the hospital this morning, had my blood tested and saw Dr. K. The blood results were normal. Dr. K said something like "Well that means we have to proceed with the chemo as scheduled, are you ok with that?" I think I told him that's great and I'm glad everything's on track. I did not want to delay it any further. Dr. K gave me a clean bill of health and we're all set for Monday.
Dr. K also asked how I've been since my first chemo and I told him all the side effects I felt. He said the side effects were expected and the headache I've had was a sign I'm going to lose my hair soon. I told him my hair started to fall Wednesday night and I'm quite upset. His advice was to shave it all off because the hair loss will only get worse especially the second chemo will be on Monday. Dr. K said it will be less traumatic for me. Hmm... Mark and I left the hospital, came home and I was undecided. My head told me to do it but a small part of me doesn't.
My appointment at Truly You was at 3:00 p.m. We arrived early at 2:30 p.m. Way too early. I went with my mom and Bles. While waiting for my appointment, a lady came out bald with the GI Jane cut. This lady is pretty to begin with and has a nice size head. Being bald fits her, she looked like Sinead O'Connor, bald and pretty. I thought, oh gosh I don't want mine to be THAT short.
Then it was my turn, my heart started pounding and my mind confused. Up to the very last minute I was still undecided. Amelia called me and asked "so is it that time already?" All I could do was nod my head. We went to a private room, thank goodness!!! I sat on the "hot seat" and I was still unsure what to do. Then I saw Amelia holding the clipper! Omigod, this is it.
Before she could do anything, I stopped her and asked, "Are you going to buzz my hair as short as that lady's who just left?" Amelia said yes. Crap! She then turned the chair away from the mirror and turned on the clipper. Then I broke down balling my eyes out. It was too much for me to handle. I couldn't stop crying. Amelia was trying to comfort me, she said I'm beautiful and it will all be ok. Then she asked me if I will feel better if she won't cut it as short as the lady's. I said sure, with my eyes shut.
Then it happened, as soon as the clipper touched my head, I cried uncontrollably. Omigosh, you know the saying "all hell broke loose", mine was "all hair broke loose". It was overwhelming, traumatic and a moment I will never forget in my life. Bles cried and my mom tried to hold back her tears. She knew that if I saw her crying, I'd cry even more. That was true. They tried to comfort me but it was tough.
Before I knew it, it was done and my own hair scattered all over the floor. It was hard to accept. I looked at myself on the mirror, first thing I said was I look like my brothers. (gulp!) I also thought it felt good because my head felt lighter. The cut was good. Amelia massaged my head and washed it. She also gave me a few tips how to take care of my head/scalp. Amelia then put the wig on my head. After a few adjustments, wow, it looked like my own hair. Bles and my mom said it looks so much like me. Amelia said the wig fit me well and it fits snugly on my head.
It took awhile to get used to the wig. Then the tears stopped and I felt better. :) I left the wig shop feeling good. I was quite comfortable with the wig that I made plans to go out for dinner. :) Good sign right?
The true test will be with our kids, will they notice it or not. I came home Mark said he can't tell the difference. Neat! Joshua didn't notice it. Alright! Finally with Jason who is usually very observant. No reaction. Cool! [Maybe because he was too preoccupied playing his DS game. ;) ] Anyway he went to bed, no comment. :D
I'm glad I did it (buzz cut). The hair loss won't be as traumatic anymore. I'm relieved this is over and done with. It's close to midnight and I'm still wearing the wig. I'm starting to like it, well worth the price I paid for it.
What do you think?
Hey Steph - I like it, it does look like you. MC
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