Time for an Update!

Well I've been feeling like crap lately and haven't been in the mood to write or do anything. That's why I've been neglecting this blog. But everyone's asking how I am so here's an update of what I've been up to lately.

As I've said in a previous post, the chemo has taken a toll on me, moreso emotionally. I don't know if it is a combination of the early menopause side effect (where my hormones are going haywire and my mood swings insane) or the depression of having cancer (chemo being on top of the list, baldness coming close on second, and the "why me" dilemma lingering on my brain lately). My doctors said these are normal and they said I'm allowed to have bad days. It's only natural they said. However they didn't tell me how bad it would be. Crappy, crappy, crappy!

Sometimes I wish I have a magic button, where I can just press it and voila, my anxieties, depression, problems, stress and illness will all go away. But that's fantasy. The reality is I'm all that and maybe more. =( I pray hard everyday for God to give me strength and so far He's been giving me just that. Taking it one day at a time is definitely what I'm doing. Some days are tougher than others but so far He has not let me down. =)

But hey, I only have one chemo left. I can see the finish line! I'm sure Mr. Chemo will not go without a big bang so I'm not looking forward to the pain I'll be experiencing again next week. So celebrating Mother's Day is up in the air right now. Mr. Chemo definitely knows how to spoil my fun.

I also signed up for an eight-week seminar or workshop called "Chemo Brain". It's every Monday. After attending only two sessions, I am really surprised that the medical specialist hit every symptoms all the participants (cancer patients) have bang on. We're not allowed to discuss anything outside of the course but from my experience, the doctor hit the nail on the head with my symptoms - memory loss, uncoordinated thoughts, etc. I'm glad I signed up for this course. It will help with my treatments and healing process.

We met my radiation oncologist on Monday, signed the consent form to proceed with the treatment and scheduled a CT scan and the tattoo for May 21st. Dr. W's guesstimate is that treatment will start on June 2nd and I'll have 20 treatments instead of 21. Yey, minus one treatment!!! If it does, my radiation ends June 29.

Dr. W examined me as usual and he said my sutures are healing well plus the size of the scar tissue decreasing. However he also noticed that I have slight lymphedema on my right arm. I didn't even know I had it until he examined me. But that probably explains why my right arm has been feeling weird lately. Dr. W suggested I should elevate my right arm while sleeping or resting. He's not recommending therapy yet but if it worsens, he will. We'll try Dr. W's suggestion first and see how it goes.

So what to look "forward" to with the radiation treatment? Of the 20 radiations, 16 will focus on the whole right breast and four (or maybe five) will focus where the tumor was located. There will be no bloodworks done (woohoo!). No nausea or vomitting. The main and most common side effect is fatigue. Dr. W said it won't be much different with the fatigue I'm experiencing with chemo. We'll see about that! The chronic side effects are: skin discolouration, fibrosis or hardening of the affected area, possible swelling, might have blisters or skin reactions. It will be more of a discomfort than anything. After meeting Dr. W, the nurse gave us a pep talk about the do's and dont's during radiation.

Along with radiation, I think my hormonal therapy will start as well. Dr. K is in charge of that but I think these are just oral medications that I have to take for FIVE years!!! Dr. K said it will start a month after my last chemo, so roughly around the same time as radiation.

I'm having my bloodwork done and meeting Dr. K tomorrow. Hopefully he will give his thumbs up for the last chemo next week. One more chemo!!!!

Oops...

Last night while I was getting ready to go to a party, our son Josh walked right in our bedroom to tell me something and stopped right on his tracks when he saw my bald head. I was caught off guard, all I could do was cover my head with my arms and told him to get out of the room. I think he was quite shocked to see my head with no wig or head cover that he ran out of the room as soon as he could shouting "Ah Mommy's bald! I saw Mommy's bald head." I couldn't tell if he was excited or scared.

A few seconds later Jason came running to our room to see for himself what I look like. He was disappointed to see I wore a hat. So to please him I lifted my hat a wee bit to show my bald head. Same reaction, he ran out of our bedroom.

I had mixed emotions after it happened - hurt because I didn't want them to see my bald head; relieved because they finally saw it; scared because I'm not sure what they were thinking when they saw me; and, mad because I wasn't careful enough to lock the door. My mind was running wild. I've been dreading these scenarios to happen since I lost my hair and it finally did.

I didn't want our sons to see my bald head because it is a sign that I am really sick. It might scare them more, especially Jason who's older and has a better understanding if something is wrong or not. Jason's the one who's been asking me when I will start feeling better, he wants a definite answer when exactly it will be. Now that they've seen it, will their fears get worse?

Whatever worries I had after the "oops" moment, Joshua came running back to our bedroom to tell me "I still love you Mommy!" and gave me hugs and kisses. My heart melted. And Jason? Knowing him it might take awhile for that "oops" moment to sink in but I did notice that he was constantly by my side at the party last night. I guess that's his way of saying "It's okay Mommy".

Pain, Pain Go Away, Come Again Another Day... like NEVER!

"Ah, it will only be bone pain!" That's what my doctors told me when the second phase of my chemo started. It's as if it were like a regular headache or back pain that will go away after you take Tylenol or Advil. So there I was expecting the last three chemos will be easier than the first. WEEEEELLLLL!!!! It hit me like a ton of bricks. The pain was like nothing I've felt before and it lasts a few days.

The fourth chemo not only gave me the worst pain I've ever had but it also took me to the ER twice. And the chemo I had last week, well let's just say I'm still experiencing pain from that one. And it feels like it's worse than the fourth chemo. I cannot explain what the pain feels like. Giving birth is nothing compared to this.

I think the chemo is finally taking a toll on me - emotionally, physically, mentally, pyschologically, the works. It is hard knowing that I can't do anything right after chemo because I'm weak and in pain. And I'm really struggling with the current one. If you add sore tongue, upset stomach, heartburn, being bald, losing your eyebrows and eyelashes, feeling sorry for yourself, dizziness/lightheadedness or half of your finger/toenails have discoloured almost completely, to the equation, how would you feel? It is nerve-wracking! It is depressing!!!!

Family and friends have been telling me at least there's only one more to go. Easy for you to say but so hard for me to do. It is torture. Sure the doctors gave me pain medications like Tylenol 3 or Percocet but they do nothing for me except give me a good night sleep. The bone pains are still there when I wake up.

I tried my best to do errands yesterday and today and fight the pain but my body was telling me otherwise. I paid the price as soon as I got home - weak and in pain.

When will this pain end? When? I hope it goes soon, at least for this cycle.

One more to go.... and I hope it never, ever comes back!

Lifelines

You know the show "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" and it's got lifelines for contestants, my life is kind of like that right now. I have lifelines that helps me with my sanity and boredom.

Aside from my family, my other lifelines are my laptop, the internet, emails, phones, chatrooms, to name a few. These guys keeps me sane. For without them I'd go berserk!

I am forever thankful for the people who invented the internet!!! So cool and everything right at your fingertips - shopping, free online games, research, social networking sites like Facebook, people.com, etcetera. Pretty much anything and everything you want to get your hands on.

Going hand in hand with the internet are emails and chatrooms. It's my connection to the outside world, family and friends from here, there and all over the world. I still get in touch with my closests friends from school from the Philippines, former friends I've reconnected again thanks to Facebook, long lost relatives, etcetera.

When I'm feeling down, it's just a click away, I can chat with my best friends from anywhere in the world (when they're online of course) and they certainly know how to cheer me up. Forget about the thousands of miles we're apart, to me it feels we're a few inches away from me. I love reminiscing the good ol' days we've had when we were together. Priceless and treasured moments that are near and dear to my heart. Same goes with emails, if I feel down, I tell them my thoughts and away they go cheering me up the best way they know how to. :) I love them.

I know that we lived our lives before without the internet but man I just can't imagine my life without it right now. Lifelines I can't live without right now. :)

Five Down, One More to Go

I can vaguely see a light at the end of the tunnel, five chemo sessions done and one more to go. It's almost over.

It's my chemo day. I woke up feeling somewhat good and ready for the big day. It was an early start for us, my bloodwork was scheduled at 8:15 this morning but didn't have it done until almost an hour after. The clinic was packed. Like a domino effect, meeting Dr. K and the chemo were delayed by an hour. My blood pressure, as expected, was higher than usual and I also gained weight (gulp!), thanks to the steroids. We saw Dr. K, he said all blood tests were ok and my white blood count excellent. Everything was all set for my chemo.

I asked about the results of the abdomen ultrasound and he said they were normal too except for the fatty liver. Dr. K said nothing to worry about it since it's part of getting old. Dr. K was quite surprised Dr. S requested an abdomen ultrasound when in fact high liver enzymes is one of the side effects of the Taxotere (chemo). So I had it done for nothing?!?!?! Well that's reassuring. :{

I also asked if there's a way to find out if the chemo is working or not since I'm close to the finish line. Well I got a blunt "no" from Dr. K, he said there is no way to find that out. Dr. K said we will discuss it further what happens next on my follow-up check-up after the last chemo. If he can discuss it then, why not tell me now?!?!?! Well his explanation was most patients forget if he tells them now and would rather do it when he sees me after the last chemo. What the heck? This confirms why I don't like Dr. K.

Then the chemo started. The nurse put the IV/needle, it hurt but I didn't cry. I told the nurse and Mark that after the traumatic overnight stay at the hospital where my left arm was treated like a pin cushion and bruises from needles, this morning's prick was nothing. The actual chemo was long, over two hours. No tears were shed but I did feel dizzy halfway through the treatment. I felt a bit nauseous on our way home. I think the metal taste is starting so I ate lunch as soon as we got home, before the taste gets worse.

So far I feel good after the chemo but like before who knows what will happen the next few days. Dr. K told me that is more likely that I will not develop a fever after cycle 5 but he can't guarantee it. Great. :-|

Only one more damn chemo to go and that is it. That will be on May 5th, another day which I will never forget in my life.

Ups and Downs

I wrote in my last post that this is a stressful time for me and tomorrow being my chemo day, the stress is unbelievable. Sometimes I wish my chemo was today just to get it over and done with but thanks to all the holidays, my chemo is tomorrow.

Chemo gives me anxiety to this day even though I've already had four treatments behind me. I hate it with a passion. Family and friends told me at least I only have two left and after tomorrow, only one more and I'm done. I guess that's the positive way of looking at it.

Since my last post I've had my ups and downs. I've been very emotional to the point that if I hear a ballad music or see something sad on TV show about cancer patients my tears come up in a second. I just can't help being emotional at times. But I am trying hard to be positive, seriously.

I did have good times this Easter weekend. On Friday we went to my in-laws for an early Easter dinner, Mark's Mom made a fabulous and delicious turkey dinner and we played Trivial Pursuit afterwards, to which our team won (woohoo!). I had a great time that night. On Saturday, the kids had a sleepover at my in-laws for a much needed break from us. Mark took me out to a fancy dinner at Terrace on the Green and watched a movie. That was fun. On Sunday, we went hiking at the Forks of the Credit Provincial Park. I was hesitant at first because hiking isn't my cup of tea. I was gasping for air when we went uphill and had to take a few breaks to catch my breath. But I'm glad I went because it was nice and refreshing, like getting in touch with nature. We took some pictures and the kids enjoyed it too.

So I guess you can call it a good balance of my ups and downs. For today I have to do something to keep my mind off about tomorrow's chemo. I don't know what to do yet but I have to keep myself busy to avoid unhappy thoughts. We'll see how it goes.

Stressful Time

It's that time again, a few days before my chemo. The stress level is slowly but surely increasing as the day gets closer. I have yet to check my blood pressure but I'm sure it is higher than normal. Another thing is I usually have a short temper during these times and very sensitive. One wrong word or phrase could trigger anger or resentment on my part and even shed some tear or two depending what the issue is (are).

I should be used to it by now but I'm not. Each chemo treatment seems to have a different effect on me, be it on chemo day or the days after. It's like expecting the unexpected. I never look forward to it. The last few days prior to chemo are my bad days. I may feel good with no aches and pains but deep inside I'm scared.

Today I tried to relieve this stress the only way I can, I went to the mall, shopping therapy. ;) I guess it is any woman's therapy and it was also a change of scenery instead of being stuck in the house most of the time. I felt good afterwards. That helps. I also went to Wellspring this afternoon and did the exercise program. That's always fun. I always look forward to going to the program because it gives me the chance to mingle with other cancer patients. I told them about my forthcoming chemo and they all wished me luck.

Two more chemos to go, such a small number but it feels like an eternity to me. I may sound like a broken record but I cannot wait until my chemo is over.

A Possibility

My mom read an article today about a popular TV personality who had breast cancer a couple of years ago and recently was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This lady had all sorts of surgery to cure the pancreatic cancer. Since I heard this news, it bothered me to no end.

Prior to my treatment, my oncologists told us that there's a possibility of developing another type of cancer with chemotherapy. I know this might happen but I kind of put this thought aside because I'm dealing with the chemo first and don't want to worry about anything else for now.

The article shouldn't bother me because I know it's a possibility but it does. I think what bothers me more is that this TV personality got pancreatic cancer within two to three years after her breast cancer diagnosis. Gosh, two to three years. That is quite a short period after breast cancer. That's scary. Will it happen to me that soon too?

I don't know if I will be able to handle another blow if one of my doctors tell me another bad news. Another chemo? Gosh no! I'd probably go crazy.

I know people will tell me to take it one day at a time and to stay positive. These are such a tall orders. But I can't help but worry about the future at times. I need to psych myself not to think about this article for now, it is stressing me out and stress is the last think I need right now.

Celebrations

It was a hectic weekend filled with celebrations. Two of my favourite guys recently celebrated their birthdays - my hubby, Mark and our son, Jason.

Last Saturday we hosted two parties, one for Jason and his friends and the other a joint party for Jason/Mark with our families and a few of Mark's closest friends. Luckily I felt great that day, no joint pains or nagging headaches. So it was hosting to the max. I made lasagna, hash browns and ordered a couple more dishes so I didn't cook that much. Mark grilled some chops and steaks. Our friends and family also brought their special dishes to help out too. It was a blast and my boys had a great time. :)

Since Saturday was a good day for me, it was no surprise I had a bad day on Sunday. I woke up with a big headache but still made Jason's favourite crepes for his birthday. I slept most of the day but had the energy to go to a buffet to celebrate Jason's birthday last night. I was tired by the time we came home and decided to go to bed early last night.

What a weekend it was but it was fun. :)

Should I?

Something has been bugging me since I was hospitalized. After I was wheeled in to my hospital room, a nurse asked me a whole bunch of questions they need to ask their in-patients. They were standard questions but one stood out among the rest, she asked me if I have prepared a living will? Of course I replied no immediately. But why did she ask me that if I was only admitted at the hospital for a fever due to some sort of infection?

Since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, making a will crossed my mind at times. But making a will seems so morbid and a frightning thought. It's so depressing. So I never really put much thought into it. But should I?

I'm too young to make a living will. It's like admitting I'm dying. But when's a good time? I always thought making a will is for old people, terminally ill patients or if you're filthy rich. I'm neither super old or rich so that rules out these two. I'm not terminally ill, but I am sick. So should I?

God forbid if anything unforeseen happens to me, there's not much left to be said on a will. My most priced possessions are our kids. There's nothing substantial (material stuff) that I own that is worth writing on a will. All I can think of is "what to do" list in case something happens. That's it. So what should I write on a will?

I think I'll set aside these thoughts for now. It's just depressing and brings in negative thoughts. Thoughts that I do not need at this point in my life. I wish the nurse never asked me that question, but I can't blame her though, she's only doing her job.

What I should focus on are praying, have POSITIVE, HAPPY thoughts and take it one day at a time. Thoughts of white sandy beach, clear blue sky on a bright sunny day and the waves of the ocean... Aaaaaahhhh... peace...