Annual Check-up

It's that time of the year - the annual check-up with Dr. K.  I had it yesterday.   It was just a bunch of questions what's happened in the past year with my healh, the possible side effect of Tamoxifen and what happens next.

He did the usual check-up and everything was A-OK.  Yay! :) It is always refreshing to hear a doctor say everything is ok.  Dr. K gave another prescription for Tamoxifen for the coming year. 

This time I remembered to ask him what happens if I forget to take the pills.  Rule of thumb for Tamoxifen is to take it everyday and always at the same time.  Of course I am only human and had times when I forgot to take them, blaming my age and forgetfulness plus the fact that my alarm didn't go off those times. Dr. K said that it is part of human nature to forget so that is a valid excuse.  However, he said that some patients choose not to take them and the repercussions that the cancer comes back.  My oh my!  After hearing it, I will make sure I take it ALL the time now and always set my alarms (iTouch and cellphone) so I will not forget.  Better safe than sorry.

Anyway, we also discussed what happens after the five years of Tamoxifen.  Dr. K said that the other medicines are for menopausal women and he said I am too young to take it.  We will discuss our options closer to the end of the five years of Tamoxifen.  I forgot the name but it is another estrogen pill.

Next step is to find out what Dr. Y says in a couple of weeks.  This time to find out the results of the six-month tests I had last month - breast ultrasound and MRI to monitor the cyst on the left breast.  Other than that, life has been good.  Hubby and kids are doing well.  So far everything is good at our little corner. :)  I hope yours is too.

Forget Me Not

This morning my co-worker sent me an email.  The subject line was "Do you remember sending this email? Congratulations Steph".  First thought was, did I win a prize? ;)  I didn't enter any contests except for our group lottery so that's out.  I read it...

It had a message I sent last year to a few close friends at work that it has been a year on May 5th 2010 since last session of my chemo in 2009.   I completely forgot about it today.  It felt like ages ago since my last chemo.  I managed to somehow erase it off my mind, not completely but most of it.  My hubby said it's not worth remembering.   But my co-worker said it's worth celebrating.  I guess it is, in my own little way.   It's been two years. Two years with its ups and downs, mentally, physically and spiritually but I'm still here.  Life seems to be going back to normal, I'm slowly getting back on my feet.  Suddenly the world is brighter.  Yup life is good. 

Two years of remission and counting.

Let the Cat Out of the Bag

Tonight at dinner time, out of the blue, our son Jason asked me if I ever had cancer.  I was caught off guard and didn't know what to say, and so was Mark.  There was silence.  Both our sons looked at me, waiting for an answer.  Jason repeated the question.  Did I ever have cancer?  I mustered enough strength and finally admitted to them that I did.  I hate lying to them.

After all this time, it is only now that we talked openly to our kids about my illness.  I wasn't sure how they would take it.  But you know what, being the kids that they are, they took it lightly.  I was relieved. 

Jason asked if I had the easy or serious cancer.  I told them cancer is never easy and it was serious.  I reminded them about the time I was sick and was in our bedroom most of the time.  We explained it the way they would understand it.  I also told them that I was sick when I started to lose my hair.  Mark explained that it was the treatment that caused the hair loss.  Joshua candidly said "Oh I thought you lost your hair because you had your haircut using number zero" (referring to the buzzcut clipper number).  Mark and I burst into laughter.  It was so funny and I guess that made it easier to explain to them about cancer.

They asked more questions like when will I get my hair back and why do I have to cut it all the time.  I explained that it's very slowly coming back and that I have to have it trimmed to look nice.  Jason asked why I'm still taking medications and we said it's part of the treatment but not as bad as before.  I didn't want to discuss it anymore so I ended it on a happy note.  Told them it was serious but the good news is it's over and I'm doing well.  They seem to be happy with that.  The topic changed as quickly as it started.

That was totally unexpected but I guess it was bound to happen.  Jason's older and a little wiser.  They're also studying science and health at school.  So I thought it is only a matter of time before he puts the pieces together and figure it out.  In a way I'm happy we can discuss it with them now.    Like I say time and again, everything happens for a reason and there is a time and place for everything.  Tonight was the perfect time to tell them and let the cat out of the bag.

Prayers Do Work!

The results are in... the biopsy showed negative results, no malignancy or cancer build up!!!  It was worth the almost hour wait to see Dr. Y this afternoon.  The anxiety is gone and definitely a big weight was lifted off my chest.

As soon as we sat at Dr. Y's office, she said it's all good news!  I was so relieved and happy that I cried!  Dr. Y gave me some time to compose myself.  They were tears of joy, tears of pent up emotions that I've been having these past few weeks, tears of overwhelming feeling.... I wanted to dance, shout but all I could do was thank God for giving me another chance and for granting my prayers.

Dr. Y explained all the results from the mammogram, ultrasound and MRI.  They have no concerns about the cyst and the lump I felt on the left breast is just tissue growth.  They will continue to monitor it so I have to go back for a follow-up after six months for another MRI/ultrasound.  Dr. Y did not recommend draining the cyst at this time.  The MRI also didn't show any malignancy or cancer build up on the right breast.  She explained that MRIs are so sensitive that it catches everything.  To air on the side of caution, they requested the biopsy which fortunately was negative.

We asked about double mastectomy.  Dr. Y explained that all results have been very good... good enough that she referred to it as receiving "gold stars" like in a grading system.  Based on the results, Dr. Y said she's not compelled to recommend mastectomy at this point.  I forgot how she explained it but it was so good that I was glad that was her position about mastectomy.

We are blessed to be surrounded by family and friends (old and new) who have been with us through thick and thin.  Words cannot express how thankful we are for everyone's prayers, support and love.  Even complete strangers who offered prayers like the sweet old lady I bumped into the ladies washroom this afternoon.  She dropped something in the washroom and she was legally blind.  The lady asked for my help and that started a casual conversation.  I thought that was it.  Then after a few minutes, she tapped my shoulder and said that she said a prayer for me and wished me luck.  I was deeply touched by her thoughtfulness and wished her well. 

Tonight our family went out for dinner to celebrate.  Celebrate life and our family.  Life is great.

Prayers do work.  Prayers can move mountains.  All we have to do is have faith and put our trust in God.

What Lies Ahead

It's Day 4 or 5 since the biopsy.  I have been extremely careful with my breast and it even came to a point that I don't want to even touch them.  Scared that I might touch something or make the wound worse.

At this point, there is not much I can do but pray.  There have been days that were emotionally draining where some days are better than others.  I manage to put up a brave front to my family/friends and at work.  I don't know why but I had a short fuse this weekend.  Today's probably the worst since I had the biopsy.  Irritable, short-tempered and blah.  Whenever I had those moments I had to contain myself from crying because I didn't know why I was upset.  I'm mad at myself for being irritable and had to psyche myself to count my blessings instead of being pessimistic.  It is mentally exhausting.

The closer Thursday comes, the worrier I get. I guess that's only human.  I pray when the anxiety kicks in and somehow it goes away.  I prayed that it is all in God's hands, whatever His plans are will be done and it is out of my hands.  I am mentally preparing myself for that day.  Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.  I have faith in our Lord and whatever His plans are I will accept, good or bad.

Biopsy

What a morning it was.  It was physically and emotionally draining.  I had the MRI and biopsy.  I was in a good mood this morning and was ready to tackle the task ahead of me.  I didn't know what to expect with the appointment this morning.  Then it all happened.  It was one of the longest hour (or so) of my life.

As usual, they had a hard time finding a vein on my left arm.  Got poked about three times and were unsuccessful.  They tried to convince me to use the right arm to no avail, they even told me they've done it to other patients who had lymph nodes removed.  Not on my arms they didn't.  I told them that I had a history of slight lymphedema a couple of years ago and had to do some exercise to remove it.  Fortunately I didn't have to fight for it because they found a healthy vein on my left hand.  It really hurt that I cried!

Then came the MRI/biopsy.  Tears were still flowing down my cheeks from the IV and found it hard to take in the information they told me.  They said so many things that only bits and pieces stuck on my head.  This was the time I wished Mark was with me.  He's my sponge who takes in all the info I can't but he was not allowed to go in with me. 

Anyway, they said I had to have a mammogram after the MRI.  I'm like "what? another mammogram?!?!?"  The MRI tech explained that they had to do a mammogram to make sure the titanium or chip they inserted in the breast to mark the spot is actually on the right spot.  Titanium?!?! Chip?!???!  What the heck? I thought it was only a biopsy!  I was confused and emotionally stressed.  It was too much information to deal with.

So here's what happened... They took pictures of the right breast only using the MRI.  The left breast was covered with a metal of some sort.  That lasted about 15-30 minutes.  Took me out of the MRI machine and asked me not to move at all.  A couple of doctors came in to freeze the area.  Someone put pressure on my back (maybe so that I won't move).  Freezing was freakin' painful, they injected me four times.  I wanted to sob but had to control myself because I cannot move at all.  Tears were flowing like crazy.  I wished Mark was with me to hold my hand. 

After the freezing, they wheeled me back in the MRI, took more pictures then took me out again.  The biopsy started. I heard a drilling sound it went on and off three times.  I was terrified!  I did not open my eyes during the entire procedure because I was afraid I might see something that I don't want to see.  All I heard was the biopsy was "bang on" according to one of the doctors.  I think they meant they got the right spot.  They took me back in the MRI again, then it was over. 

They asked me to sit up.  I was so dizzy, weak and crying.  Then I saw blood, oh that made my knees buckle!  That was gross.  They explained stuff to me and quite frankly I don't even remember what they told me.  The only thing I understood was it was time for the mammo.

A nurse took us to the mammo section of the hospital.  The mammo was only for the right breast.  I asked why do I need another mammo.  The technologist said it was to check if the chip was in the right location so that if they need to do more tests they know exactly where to go.  More tests?  Gosh I hope not.

The actual mammo lasted about five minutes.  The technologist cleaned the breast area where the biopsy was done.  I saw the open wound and I felt nauseous.  It's about pea-sized and bloody. I cannot stand the sight of blood. Good thing I didn't throw up.  I will be sore for about 24 hours or so.  Cannot take a shower for 24 hours and I'm not allowed to do strenuous activities or do heavy lifting. 

The next step is to see Dr. Y on March 24th to discuss the results.  It will be nerve-wracking on the days leading up to the 24th.  I'm on pins and needles every time the phone rings.  But here's hoping for the best.  This is now in God's hands.

Whatever Happens... Happens

It's a big day for me tomorrow.  It's time for the breast MRI/biopsy.  (deep sigh)

I haven't thought much about it today.  I managed to keep myself busy at work and didn't worry about tomorrow until I was driving home from work.  I'm not really sure what to do anymore.

I am not overly nervous like I used to, hopefully that's a good thing.  Somehow I managed to stay calm since the ultrasound two weeks ago.  Could it be that my prayers have been answered?  I prayed for strength, inner peace and remove whatever fear I have with all the tests that's been going on.  Maybe my prayers were answered and thank God for that. 

Who knows what tomorrow will bring.  Whatever happens...happens.  Stay tuned.

Big Decision

We all have to make decisions.  The decisions we make in life kind of defines who we are now and what we could be in the future.  It can be as simple as deciding what to wear in the morning or something as complicated as getting married/divorced, moving to a new country/city, getting a new job, etcetera.  So many things that we need to decide on and that's what life is all about...

I saw our family doctor, Dr. C, last Friday for a prescription refill and at the same time gave her an update what's been happening to me.  We talked for some time and then she asked if I considered other options. I asked... What other options do I have?  She simply said mastectomy.  I said all my doctors were against it when I asked for it.  Dr. C said that's because cancer was new to me and there were no other issues.  Lumpectomy was the best solution at that time. 

Dr. C said most women diagnosed with breast cancer the first time has the same reaction, they want mastectomy.  She called it the "initial shock reaction" of most women.  However after having experienced lumpectomy, some women changed their opinions and realized lumpectomy is not so bad after all.  They got rid of the lump and still have their breasts.

After having said that I asked her what made her say that mastectomy is now an option for me.  Dr. C explained that with the recent issues I've had with my breasts, my doctors might be more supportive of double mastectomy, if I asked for it.  Dr. C said the doctors will not recommend it to me up front but the decision lies solely on me if I want to do it or not.  She suggested that I start thinking about it, weigh all my options, the pros and cons, how it might affect me, my family, etcetera.  This is one major decision that I have to make that will have a huge impact on me physically, mentally and psychologically. 

I was overwhelmed.  It was too much information for me to handle on an early Friday morning and did set the tone how my weekend went.  I looked at myself in the mirror trying to imagine myself without breasts.  At one point I covered them with my hands and see what it may look like without them.  It was too much.  Argh!!!! 

I did my best to set aside this heavy thought of having mastectomy and concentrated on what's happening now.  I kept myself busy, spent time with our family and did the best therapy I know to cheer me up, shopping! 

I still have to make that decision at one point in the future and I am dealing with issues one day at a time.  That's one tough decision so I am praying for guidance to help me make the right choice. 

Decisions, decisions, decisions!!!  It's crazy!  What can I do?  Stop thinking about it maybe?  Maybe so because for now I have to face the next step and that is the MRI/biopsy scheduled next Tuesday, March 15th. (gulp!)

The Waiting Game

This morning I had the breast ultrasound. The technologist and the radiologist did not see anything so the biopsy didn't happen. Their recommendation is to have an MRI/biopsy hopefully within the next couple of weeks. The technologist explained that when the MRI was done the last time, the radiation dye went to an area of the breast (middle area) where it stayed and was captured by the MRI. The "spot" was so small that they were not able to see it in the ultrasound this morning. It was not on the same spot where the lumpectomy was done. There could be a number of things why the "spot" was captured. Who knows what it is. So the next step is the MRI. The technologist said that if it happens again when they do the MRI, a biopsy will be done. The MRI will help the radiologists determine exactly where the "spot" is and then do a biopsy.

I'm not out of the woods yet but I was relieved when they didn't find anything in the ultrasound. This wouldn't be possible without everyone's help in praying and giving your love and support the past few weeks. God is great! Life is sweet! :)

Anyway, this will entail more waiting time in the weeks to come waiting for the MRI and the results but with your continued prayers, our family hopes that we can surpass this trial. We're blessed to be surrounded with great family and friends.

What Tomorrow Brings

I have been reflecting on the gospel last Sunday it said something like, 'do not worry about tomorrow, as tomorrow brings fear'.  It hit the nail right on the head.  It is so true especially for me.  I am such worrywart that I always tend to overthink things particularly with my health.  What lies ahead, the what ifs, what could happen, etcetera.  But can you blame me after all that I've been through?

The biopsy and ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning has been on my mind constantly for the past two weeks.  I am so scared of what they might find tomorrow.  Will it be another setback?  Will I be prepared for the worst?  Thinking of what could happen causes such anxiety. 

The priest said savor the time you have right now, enjoy the moment and live everything to God.   And so I've learned to take things one at a time.  I trained myself to not even think more than an hour from now.  Take things in stride and live for the moment.  This is what's helping me get through these past couple of weeks, not worry about what might happen next.  I've also learned to count my blessings.  Friends sent bible verses or daily scriptures recently and all messages are the same, leave everything to God, ask and you will receive, seek and you shall find, knock and a door will open for you, and most of all God knows what's best for us especially if it will be good for our soul.

I've also been praying for the best.  Praying for strength, inner peace and lately to remove the fear I have in me in the days to come.  Each time I feel the strength and inner peace within me, I give thanks to the Lord for answering my prayers.  When I sense that the fear I have is subsiding, it feels good and again give thanks to God.

Right now I can feel my anxiety rising because tomorrow is a big day.  I cannot concentrate nor can I relax.  I can feel butterflies in my tummy.  I feel dizzy, overwhelmed and I am anxious.  This is the real me.  BUT... I need to psych myself...I need to concentrate that something good will come out of it...  Pray to calm my nerves... Pray for strength...  Think positive...  After all, who knows what tomorrow might bring?

Count Your Blessings

Here I am trying to think of a title for my post today.  I could not think of a good title.  Then on the news they did a feature on a 95 year old lady who still runs at marathons and does track and field.  The anchor asked what her secret was.  The lady said she feels blessed and always count her blessings..."  How appropriate.

It is so true, we always have to count our blessings.  Although it has been a rough couple of weeks and feels like my whole world stopped, I feel blessed because I am surrounded with great family and friends.  At times when I was losing hope, they encouraged me to look at the bright side.  Think positive they said.  One friend said I should consider the discovery of the "bright object" a blessing because if I did not ask for a second opinion, I would not have gotten the MRI.   Another friend said to look at the bright side because I have family and friends to help me in prayers and who will support me.  Another one said, at least it's a good diet plan because I lost some weight. ;)  Good friends who are there through good and bad times.  Friends who are willing to help you, pray for you, give you cards or send you special notes to brighten up your day or offering simple hugs just to let you know they are there for me when I need someone to talk to, lean on or just to hang out with.

I feel blessed because we have two wonderful and healthy kids and a loving and supportive husband.  They are my pillars of strength.  The other night my morale was really down but the kids managed to cheer me up.  They keep me going.  Mark's one I could lean on at all times.  He's like my security blanket and I don't feel secure when he is away.   I am not a perfect wife to my husband nor am I an ideal mother to our kids but I will not have it any other way but to be a wife and mother to them. 

I am also blessed because we have a mother who is so strong and knows how to comfort me during difficult times.  We don't see eye to eye most of the time but no matter what, just like any mother, she knows what's best for me and my brothers.  In my eyes (and also my brothers), she may not be perfect but she's our number one cheerleader and always encourages us to do the right thing.   I feel blessed because she's still with us and was with me when I had my treatments.

I also feel blessed because I have a family pushing me to be positive and tries to cheer me up when I'm down.  My brothers who boosts my morale.  My aunts, uncles, cousins, neices and nephews who are my prayer brigade, never stopping to pray for me and our family.  My in-laws who are always there when we need them most.  Also I'm thankful for my extended family at work, they're my second family since we spend more time together than my family.  A great group of people to work with and makes it worthwhile to go to work each day.

And most of all, I feel blessed because of my faith in God is getting stronger everyday.  This whole experience since I got sick made me closer to God.  This could be His way of showing His love for me.  His way of showing me to trust Him and leave everything in His hands for He will not forsake me.  Today's gospel told us that Jesus wants us to be perfect.  I thought, how can that be when no one is perfect?  But the priest explained it all during the homily, we need to get rid of the hatred in our hearts, forgive the enemies we have and live through the words/work of our Lord.  The homily also explained that God will grant us what we want.   "Ask and you shall receive, knock and I will open the door for you".  These might be God's message to me today because it certainly is very appropriate.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  This might be God's way to let Him be the driver of my life.  Let Him lead the way.  The gospel and homily might be the blessings I need.

The show must go on...

It will be a week tomorrow since I received the dreaded news.  How am I feeling?  Crappy... in denial... scared ... and maybe...still in shock.  I honestly cannot tell you exactly how I feel right now because I don't know myself.  I feel like a robot or a zombie doing stuff I normally do but have not really cared what happens.  My mind just keeps wandering off.  I am aware that I have to be careful when driving or be alert when working.  I often would be staring at walls or the horizon and feels like my head stopped working or in a daze. 

I'm really finding it hard this time to deal with this but the show must go on.  I went back to work and have tried to keep my mind busy.  I crank up the music in my car while driving so I won't have time to think.  I play video games or watch my favorite shows when I'm at home.  I will do anything to keep my mind off it.

I would like to think I am okay now.  Maybe I am.  I have family and friends who loves/supports me.  One friend said that we should look at the positive side of things instead of the negative.  Maybe she's right.  Hard as it may, I have been trying to think positive and take everything one day at a time.  It's the only thing that I can do.

When Will It End?

The past couple of weeks I've had a series of tests - mammogram, breast ultra sound and breast MRI.  Three exposures to high levels of radiation, enough that I feel I can nuke a corn kernel and I can make it pop.  All those tests were requested by my new doctor, Dr. Y, so she can give me a second opinion to the cyst I have on my left breast.

Week 1 was mammo and the ultrasound.  I think it went well because the radiologist told me the mammo and ultrasound showed nothing of concern.  Mind you they only did an  ultrasound to the left breast.  But still, it was a relief to hear the cyst was just that, a cyst.  The lump I felt was a tissue growth or something.  The radiologist recommended that I come back in six months.

Week 2 was the breast MRI.  It was scheduled at 7:30 a.m. in Toronto. I was calm and kept my mind busy before the MRI.  Then they called me in.  A nurse interviewed me since it was my first MRI at that hospital.  She asked about my medical history and lumpectomy.  Afterwards, they took some blood samples, which apparently was a requirement if a patient has hypertension before doing the MRI.  There I was in a hospital gown, lying on a hospital bed and a nurse poking my arm to find a vein.  That was like a trip down memory lane when I had the surgery. It gave me shivers!  I did manage to stay calm because the good ol' nurse found a vein right away.  After she took the blood samples she had to leave a syringe with needle(!) taped to my arms, where the radiation dye was injected during the MRI.

I was able to muster enough courage not to take the claustrophic meds because I went on my own. I lied flat on my tummy with the breasts dangling from the machine.  The position was like getting a massage but at a different level.  When they "wheeled" me in the machine, I didn't open my eyes until it was over.  It was nerve wracking at first and was ready to hit the panic button but I prayed so hard that it helped me relax my nerves.  After awhile it was ok.  It took about 45 minutes to finish the MRI.  I was dizzy afterwards but it subsided after some time.  So I went to work.

Just before 4:00 p.m. on Friday, Dr. Y called me at work to let me know they found a "bright object" on my right breast.  It could be an old fluid from the lumpectomy or it could be something else.  Dr. Y would like me to take another ultrasound on the right breast to see what that "bright object" is.  If it is a fluid, they will drain it but if it is something else, another MRI has to be done.  Then she said the word I dread the most - recurrence.  Dr. Y said that it could be a recurrence.  It felt like my whole world stopped for a minute after she said that.  I think I was in denial of what she told me that I kept asking about the left breast.  Dr. Y said it is ok, nothing to worry about.  She was more concerned about the right breast.

WTF...my heart was racing. I was shocked and it took awhile for her message to sink in.  I stared at my computer for several minutes.  I called my girlfriend to cancel our dinner and then I broke down.  I cried!!!  I could not stand it any more so I left work in a hurry.  Driving home was not fun.  I cried non-stop and went into our room as soon as I got home. 

The news was so unexpected, even Mark was surprised with it.  I think I was crying because I was upset, mad, frustrated, scared and most of all helpless.  It is another ordeal I have to take, another challenge I have to face.  I called a few friends just so I could vent my frustrations and I think that helped.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Before going to bed that night, I prayed like I never prayed before.  I offered myself to God and let Him take care of me, heal me, comfort me and give me more strength to endure this new challenge.  It is all in His hands now, all we can do is pray.  I meditated, listened to some classical music to help calm my nerves and I fell asleep.  I woke up with some sense of "inner peace". I think it is God's way of comforting me that everything will be ok.  I could also be in shock and just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore.

All I know was that I had to be strong for our kids and that's what motivated me to be strong this weekend and take each day one day at a time.  To think positive even if that "positive well" is running dry. I'm getting tired of this battle.  All I can do is pray, it's another thing that keeps me going. But in spite of that, I cannot help but think - "When will it end?"

Only time will tell....

Year Two

It's not really worth remembering but it's year two since I had chemo.  On January 16th I told Mark that it was the second year since I had the first dose of chemo.  He said it is something we should forget, not remember.  I agree.  But some things you just cannot forget.  It's all in the past now.

The past couple of years hasn't been easy -  recovering from the treatments, had the bout against PLGA and still kind of iffy with the cyst on my left breast.   It is still not over.  I asked for a second opinion for the cyst.  Dr. Y is my new doctor and she works at Sunnybrook Hospital, one of the more reputable hospitals in Toronto.  They have the Odette Cancer Centre which is well known in our neck of the woods specializing in treating this disease. 

Dr. Y asked for three tests before she can give us her opinion.  Today I had another mammogram and breast ultrasound.  Next Friday it's breast MRI.  All three are needed in order for her to give her expert opinion.  Why three tests?  Apparently each test reveals something that the others don't.  That's fine as long as they give me a clear explanation what is happening with me.

Today was okay.  The lump I felt where the cyst is looks more like a tissue growth and according to the radiologist was "nothing of concern".  Great!  Next is the MRI and meeting with Dr.  Y.  I cannot wait to get Dr. Y's final opinion so I can move on with my life.

But you know what?  It does feel like my life is back to its old self.  I no longer wear the wig.  Yup, had the big "reveal" of my short do at work last month.  It got mixed reviews, some are still in shock I "cut" my hair short and most said it looks great on me.  I don't really care anymore.  I love not wearing the wig.

I guess it is worth celebrating this second year.  After all it has been two years since I beat breast cancer and I'm looking for many more years of living this life. :)