Today I attended a workshop about stress reduction. Initially I thought it would be like a class that would identify the factors, causes, effects of stress but actually it taught us how to meditate. I've never done meditation before and I wasn't quite sure how and what to expect from the class. I've always been skeptical about it and thought meditation wasn't my cup of tea. But I decided to keep an open mind because I want to do anything that will help me with my stress.
The instructor showed four simple meditation techniques that would help us cope with stress. Although I did find it hard to concentrate at times, I was surprised that it was quite relaxing and calming. He gave us a handout that will guide us how to meditate. I also bought a CD on meditation for beginners. :)
He said some of us might find it hard to include meditation in our daily lives but according to him it has been proven that it takes 21 days to build a habit. He said the best time to meditate is first thing in the morning and it will help set our day. He said we should try this approach. We'll see...
But what struck me most was what he told us: "right now, we are all a sum total of our past experiences". This is so simple and yet so true. Everything we've done in the past makes us who we are today. His suggestion was we should do something today that would define who we are in the future. The more positive, the better. This might hold true for cancer patients like me, thinking positive or having a positive outlook in life will greatly affect how our body will respond or react to this disease. Hopefully it will help me beat the big C.
Maybe meditation is exactly what I need.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Familiar Faces in Familiar Places
Seeing familiar faces in familiar places is always a treat. It's true in my case since I've started my treatments. It is like a much needed break from the cancer world I live in these days.
Over the weekend we went to Niagara Falls, New York for a small family reunion. Everyone was excited about the trip. Jason and Josh were ecstatic we stayed overnight in a hotel (cheap thrills eh?) and they were happy to see their cousins from New Jersey. We also saw my cousin, Ivy, whom I have not seen in 12 years! Ivy and my aunt are visiting from the Philippines. I miss them and I'm glad I saw them again. A big plus and to my surprise, one of my closest girlfriends, Lin, also came with her family from Maryland. Lin said she wouldn't miss it for the world and she wanted to surprise me. She did! It was so good to see familiar faces again.
We toured the area around Niagara Falls and even went to the Caves of the Mist. But I didn't care much about the tourist spots in Niagara Falls, I was just happy to be with my family and closest friends that weekend. I had a feeling of contentment inside me when we were together and that was enough for me. :)
I saw more familiar faces yesterday. I had lunch with some close friends from work. I haven't seen some of them since I started chemo. We had a lot of good laughs, something that I need these days. It was a simple luncheon but had a fabulous time with my fabulous friends.
Afterwards I popped by at the office to drop off something and to see my co-workers. It's been awhile since I saw them. They filled me in on what's new at work. New faces, lots of changes! I also found out that my team's workload is over the top. Yikes! I do miss my co-workers but not my workload ;) (Right Ava?) hee, hee...
A break from my treatments and boredom is what I need every now and then. It could be a lunch date here or a trip there or anywhere with familiar faces in familiar (or new) places. It does the trick all the time, it keeps me sane. :)
Over the weekend we went to Niagara Falls, New York for a small family reunion. Everyone was excited about the trip. Jason and Josh were ecstatic we stayed overnight in a hotel (cheap thrills eh?) and they were happy to see their cousins from New Jersey. We also saw my cousin, Ivy, whom I have not seen in 12 years! Ivy and my aunt are visiting from the Philippines. I miss them and I'm glad I saw them again. A big plus and to my surprise, one of my closest girlfriends, Lin, also came with her family from Maryland. Lin said she wouldn't miss it for the world and she wanted to surprise me. She did! It was so good to see familiar faces again.
We toured the area around Niagara Falls and even went to the Caves of the Mist. But I didn't care much about the tourist spots in Niagara Falls, I was just happy to be with my family and closest friends that weekend. I had a feeling of contentment inside me when we were together and that was enough for me. :)
I saw more familiar faces yesterday. I had lunch with some close friends from work. I haven't seen some of them since I started chemo. We had a lot of good laughs, something that I need these days. It was a simple luncheon but had a fabulous time with my fabulous friends.
Afterwards I popped by at the office to drop off something and to see my co-workers. It's been awhile since I saw them. They filled me in on what's new at work. New faces, lots of changes! I also found out that my team's workload is over the top. Yikes! I do miss my co-workers but not my workload ;) (Right Ava?) hee, hee...
A break from my treatments and boredom is what I need every now and then. It could be a lunch date here or a trip there or anywhere with familiar faces in familiar (or new) places. It does the trick all the time, it keeps me sane. :)
Friday, May 22, 2009
all's well that ends well
My legs and feet have been swollen since yesterday, and today so are my toes (just a wee bit). I paged the oncology nurse and told her about my condition. According to her the FEC/T (my chemo protocol) should not make my feet/legs swell so she told me to either go to emergency or see my family doctor right away. Whaaaaaaaaaat?!?!? As soon as she said emergency I got nervous. Memories of my last visit to the ER flashed before my eyes so I chose the latter (see Dr. C).
Luckily Dr. C had a spot but I had to go there ASAP. I did, and on the way I prayed really hard that the swelling was of no concern. Dr. C said the swelling could still be a side effect of my chemo since it is still in my body (yes, after three weeks it still is!). Another possibility was heat and humidity which we experienced yesterday in our city.
Dr. C checked my legs and feet. She thought it was only one leg/one foot but when I said it was both, she immediately called the hospital for an emergency ultrasound. Dr. C said that ordering an ultrasound might be an overkill but she wanted to air on the side of caution. She said that it was normal for one leg or one foot to swell but not both. Dr. C explained that in certain cases swelling might mean there's a blood clot that could travel to my lungs and can be fatal. And the chances of this happening is 1 in 1,000. My heart skipped a beat! Dr. C said it is probably nothing but she wanted to make sure it wasn't fatal. So what's next? Dr. C said if the results are normal, the hospital staff will ask me to go home, otherwise I will have to be admitted to the hospital and the doctors will give me blood thinners to cure the swelling. My mind was spinning with the info she told me and I started to panic.
Dr. C then checked my blood pressure, I said it probably wasn't a good time to do it after what she told me. Hearing the words "fatal" and "hospital" would probably make anyone's blood pressure go up! Duh!
So off I went to the hospital. I prayed hard to have normal results. I waited about an hour before a male technician called me. After about half an hour of poking and scanning my legs, my prayers worked! Thank God! The technician told me to go home because the results are NORMAL! Woohoo!!!!! I was SO relieved! It felt like a big weight was taken off my chest.
This unexpected event certainly made up for what was supposed to be a boring afternoon. But all's well that ends well! ;)
Luckily Dr. C had a spot but I had to go there ASAP. I did, and on the way I prayed really hard that the swelling was of no concern. Dr. C said the swelling could still be a side effect of my chemo since it is still in my body (yes, after three weeks it still is!). Another possibility was heat and humidity which we experienced yesterday in our city.
Dr. C checked my legs and feet. She thought it was only one leg/one foot but when I said it was both, she immediately called the hospital for an emergency ultrasound. Dr. C said that ordering an ultrasound might be an overkill but she wanted to air on the side of caution. She said that it was normal for one leg or one foot to swell but not both. Dr. C explained that in certain cases swelling might mean there's a blood clot that could travel to my lungs and can be fatal. And the chances of this happening is 1 in 1,000. My heart skipped a beat! Dr. C said it is probably nothing but she wanted to make sure it wasn't fatal. So what's next? Dr. C said if the results are normal, the hospital staff will ask me to go home, otherwise I will have to be admitted to the hospital and the doctors will give me blood thinners to cure the swelling. My mind was spinning with the info she told me and I started to panic.
Dr. C then checked my blood pressure, I said it probably wasn't a good time to do it after what she told me. Hearing the words "fatal" and "hospital" would probably make anyone's blood pressure go up! Duh!
So off I went to the hospital. I prayed hard to have normal results. I waited about an hour before a male technician called me. After about half an hour of poking and scanning my legs, my prayers worked! Thank God! The technician told me to go home because the results are NORMAL! Woohoo!!!!! I was SO relieved! It felt like a big weight was taken off my chest.
This unexpected event certainly made up for what was supposed to be a boring afternoon. But all's well that ends well! ;)
Thursday, May 21, 2009
R-T-Tattoo
Sounds like R2-D2 from Star Wars isn't it? ;) hee hee.... My version is: Radiation Therapy (RT) Tattoo.
At 11:00 a.m. today I went to CVH for a CAT Scan Simulation (CT SIM) and markings of the four freckle size tattoos. The RT brochure they gave me said the CT SIM appointment will take one to three hours. So I went there armed with a book, brochures, a water bottle and anything that will keep me occupied for that amount of waiting time. But my appointment didn't even last an hour from start to finish and that included seeing the oncologist on call.
I went to the hospital with mixed feelings and unsure what to expect. When they called my name, a radiation therapist interviewed me to make sure all the information they have are correct. The lady graciously answered any questions I had prior to the simulation. She took a picture of me for records purposes only and I had to fill up a form if I'm experiencing pain or stress, the lady told me I have to do this prior to each visit.
Then came the CAT scan. It wasn't for diagnostic purposes but merely for measuring the breast. They asked me to lie on the scanner bed with my right arm placed on a special contraption over my head. I wasn't allowed to move and was requested to breathe normally. Before entering the scanner, one of the technicians placed some sort of sticker around my right breast that will help in the scanning. Once that was done, they "wheeled" me in the scanner, it moved in and out a few times. Afterwards, the male technician used a ruler and yelled over the measurements to another technician. The terms were too technical for me and the only thing I understood was "the others are standard". I'll take that to mean, the size of the breast is normal. I think.
The markings of the tattoo came next. I saw the needle and I got nervous. Since I couldn't move the only reaction I could do was to make a cross-eyed, tongue sticking out look. ;) The technicians giggled and assured me it won't hurt. It didn't. Getting blood samples from me was worse than than the tattooing. It felt like the tattoo process took less than a couple of minutes and before I knew it I was done. Whew! :)
The technicians asked if I want to see a doctor, they said I don't have to but if I had any questions, it shouldn't be a problem. So I went to the doctor's clinic. I told the oncologist on call that I've been feeling pain below my right breast whenever I try to reach anything over my head for a couple of weeks now. He said it is normal and is connected to the scar tissue where the lumpectomy was. I also complained about the swelling of my legs and feet, he told me to go see my family doctor and it had nothing to do with radiation. Hmm... I wasn't satisfied with his answer. I think it's still related to my last chemo and I will call the oncology nurse tomorrow.
Anyway, that was the CT SIM appointment, painless and stress-free. So I barely have two weeks left before my radiation therapy starts June 2nd at 9:00 a.m. Wish me luck!
At 11:00 a.m. today I went to CVH for a CAT Scan Simulation (CT SIM) and markings of the four freckle size tattoos. The RT brochure they gave me said the CT SIM appointment will take one to three hours. So I went there armed with a book, brochures, a water bottle and anything that will keep me occupied for that amount of waiting time. But my appointment didn't even last an hour from start to finish and that included seeing the oncologist on call.
I went to the hospital with mixed feelings and unsure what to expect. When they called my name, a radiation therapist interviewed me to make sure all the information they have are correct. The lady graciously answered any questions I had prior to the simulation. She took a picture of me for records purposes only and I had to fill up a form if I'm experiencing pain or stress, the lady told me I have to do this prior to each visit.
Then came the CAT scan. It wasn't for diagnostic purposes but merely for measuring the breast. They asked me to lie on the scanner bed with my right arm placed on a special contraption over my head. I wasn't allowed to move and was requested to breathe normally. Before entering the scanner, one of the technicians placed some sort of sticker around my right breast that will help in the scanning. Once that was done, they "wheeled" me in the scanner, it moved in and out a few times. Afterwards, the male technician used a ruler and yelled over the measurements to another technician. The terms were too technical for me and the only thing I understood was "the others are standard". I'll take that to mean, the size of the breast is normal. I think.
The markings of the tattoo came next. I saw the needle and I got nervous. Since I couldn't move the only reaction I could do was to make a cross-eyed, tongue sticking out look. ;) The technicians giggled and assured me it won't hurt. It didn't. Getting blood samples from me was worse than than the tattooing. It felt like the tattoo process took less than a couple of minutes and before I knew it I was done. Whew! :)
The technicians asked if I want to see a doctor, they said I don't have to but if I had any questions, it shouldn't be a problem. So I went to the doctor's clinic. I told the oncologist on call that I've been feeling pain below my right breast whenever I try to reach anything over my head for a couple of weeks now. He said it is normal and is connected to the scar tissue where the lumpectomy was. I also complained about the swelling of my legs and feet, he told me to go see my family doctor and it had nothing to do with radiation. Hmm... I wasn't satisfied with his answer. I think it's still related to my last chemo and I will call the oncology nurse tomorrow.
Anyway, that was the CT SIM appointment, painless and stress-free. So I barely have two weeks left before my radiation therapy starts June 2nd at 9:00 a.m. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Crossing the Finish Line
Crossing the finish line in a marathon or a racing event usually means feeling elated, beaming with pride and a prize awaits you - a medal, a trophy, or cash whether you are the grand prize winner, a runner-up or by simply having a sense of accomplishment that you did it.
In my case, it was my chemo. I feel like a sprinter that just finished six long and high hurdles which were my chemo. It was a very tough five-month race and I've crossed the finish line. The chemo's over and the worst of the pains are gone. So why don't I feel any sense of relief? Why am I not happy?
Back in January before my treatment started, all I could think of was May 4th, the last chemo. That day could not come fast enough. It was my goal. It was my finish line. Now that it came it was uneventful. I still feel the same as I did in January - unsure and scared.
Our neighbour raised a good point yesterday, she said part of the reason might be because Dr. K shrugged me off when I asked him how will I know the chemo did its job and the cancer has not spread. Dr. K rudely (from my point of view at least) told me: "you won't know if it works or not". Talk about getting assurance from your doctor...not! (Dr. K's really getting on my nerves!!!) Anyway my neighbour said it is the fact that I don't know what's going to happen next and she thinks maybe the sense of relief will come when Dr. K says (hopefully and I'm praying!) the cancer is gone or has not spread. Possible.
I talked to a peer counsellor the other day and raised the same issue. She said what I'm feeling is normal and the sense of relief will come in due time. I was told most cancer patients feel the same way after chemo. That wasn't much help but I'm just glad I talked to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through and what I'm feeling is not unusual.
Anyway instead of wallowing when that feeling of happiness or relief will come, I'm concentrating on getting well, besides, I have to psych myself for radiation. I have roughly three weeks before it starts, I will need all the rest and relaxation I can get because it will be another race I have to do, another hurdle I have to endure, and another finish line I have to cross.
In my case, it was my chemo. I feel like a sprinter that just finished six long and high hurdles which were my chemo. It was a very tough five-month race and I've crossed the finish line. The chemo's over and the worst of the pains are gone. So why don't I feel any sense of relief? Why am I not happy?
Back in January before my treatment started, all I could think of was May 4th, the last chemo. That day could not come fast enough. It was my goal. It was my finish line. Now that it came it was uneventful. I still feel the same as I did in January - unsure and scared.
Our neighbour raised a good point yesterday, she said part of the reason might be because Dr. K shrugged me off when I asked him how will I know the chemo did its job and the cancer has not spread. Dr. K rudely (from my point of view at least) told me: "you won't know if it works or not". Talk about getting assurance from your doctor...not! (Dr. K's really getting on my nerves!!!) Anyway my neighbour said it is the fact that I don't know what's going to happen next and she thinks maybe the sense of relief will come when Dr. K says (hopefully and I'm praying!) the cancer is gone or has not spread. Possible.
I talked to a peer counsellor the other day and raised the same issue. She said what I'm feeling is normal and the sense of relief will come in due time. I was told most cancer patients feel the same way after chemo. That wasn't much help but I'm just glad I talked to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through and what I'm feeling is not unusual.
Anyway instead of wallowing when that feeling of happiness or relief will come, I'm concentrating on getting well, besides, I have to psych myself for radiation. I have roughly three weeks before it starts, I will need all the rest and relaxation I can get because it will be another race I have to do, another hurdle I have to endure, and another finish line I have to cross.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
My Achy, Breaky Body
As expected the aches and pains came back in full force. I had my chemo Monday and they made "their" presence felt by Wednesday. It's Sunday and I can still feel the pain. It hurts so bad but all I can think of is that it's the last time I'll experience this type of pain (I hope). I have to hang on to something to keep me sane.
The pains came with the usual side effects: heartburn, mouth sore (including my swollen white tongue), irritability, emotional angst, hot flushes, mild pains from armpit where the lymph nodes where taken, slight lymphedema and a few more. Dr. S gave me new meds but I'm not sure if it was that helpful. It was supposed to relieve the pain but just like Tylenol 3 and Percocet, it didn't work.
When will it completely go away? The pains from my surgery will be around for some time. But the chemo pain and the emotional rollercoaster ride? I hope sooner than expected because I can't handle it anymore.
The pains came with the usual side effects: heartburn, mouth sore (including my swollen white tongue), irritability, emotional angst, hot flushes, mild pains from armpit where the lymph nodes where taken, slight lymphedema and a few more. Dr. S gave me new meds but I'm not sure if it was that helpful. It was supposed to relieve the pain but just like Tylenol 3 and Percocet, it didn't work.
When will it completely go away? The pains from my surgery will be around for some time. But the chemo pain and the emotional rollercoaster ride? I hope sooner than expected because I can't handle it anymore.
Monday, May 4, 2009
And I'm done!....
Well at least for the chemo part anyway. :) Today was my last chemo session. Thank God! I survived, but wait, I still have to endure the aches and pains that will be knocking at my door in a day or two. So I cannot celebrate yet. But hopefully by this time next week I will be A-okay!
The chemo session was alright I guess. I was in a good mood, even took pictures of the "hot seat" from each chemo session, for souvenir purposes I guess if you can call it that. It was also my way of showing you what happens each session (first picture). The other two pictures below kept me sane through the ordeal... my hubby and Ellen DeGeneres... So here they are...
What's next? We're meeting Dr. K on June 18 to discuss what's next. I asked the oncology nurse what happens after the chemo, she mentioned Dr. K will order a CT scan to see what's going on inside me. HOPEFULLY, good news. But I can't think of that right now. I still have to worry about my unwanted guests in the days to come: Mr. Nasty Aches, Mrs. Agonizing Pains and their terrible kids: Brother Headache, Sister Heartburn and Baby Connie (constipation). Hopefully my pals, Tylenol and Percocet, will help me. I hope! ;)
I know, I know, take it one day at a time.... and I am.
The chemo session was alright I guess. I was in a good mood, even took pictures of the "hot seat" from each chemo session, for souvenir purposes I guess if you can call it that. It was also my way of showing you what happens each session (first picture). The other two pictures below kept me sane through the ordeal... my hubby and Ellen DeGeneres... So here they are...
What's next? We're meeting Dr. K on June 18 to discuss what's next. I asked the oncology nurse what happens after the chemo, she mentioned Dr. K will order a CT scan to see what's going on inside me. HOPEFULLY, good news. But I can't think of that right now. I still have to worry about my unwanted guests in the days to come: Mr. Nasty Aches, Mrs. Agonizing Pains and their terrible kids: Brother Headache, Sister Heartburn and Baby Connie (constipation). Hopefully my pals, Tylenol and Percocet, will help me. I hope! ;)
I know, I know, take it one day at a time.... and I am.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Finally!!!
Everything is all set for my last chemo, blood results are normal and I was given the thumbs up by Dr. S to proceed with the chemo next week. I questioned why I had the blood work done today since my chemo is Tuesday. Dr. S was surprised it was booked that way and he rescheduled my chemo for Monday. I'm glad he did. The sooner the better after all this will be my LAST chemo. :D
Dr. S wrote a prescription for a new pain medication. He said it is a new medicine and better than Percocet. So I'll try it out next week.
I complained about the current pains I'm experiencing - joint pains from my waist down and my right armpit. He said these are all normal - the joint pains because of Neulasta (more like Nasty-lasta) and the pain in my armpit is normal and may last a few years. Hmmm....
Anyway, I can't wait for Monday, my last chemo is finally here. I'm close to the finish line. :)
Dr. S wrote a prescription for a new pain medication. He said it is a new medicine and better than Percocet. So I'll try it out next week.
I complained about the current pains I'm experiencing - joint pains from my waist down and my right armpit. He said these are all normal - the joint pains because of Neulasta (more like Nasty-lasta) and the pain in my armpit is normal and may last a few years. Hmmm....
Anyway, I can't wait for Monday, my last chemo is finally here. I'm close to the finish line. :)
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