Cancer anyone?

What are the freakin' odds I'll get cancer not once but twice all within two years? Yup, you read it right, two types of cancer.

Yesterday was another big blow to my already shattered world. Dr. A confirmed the "thing" on my right posterior palate that I've had so many years is a tumor. It's called Polymorphous low grade adenocarcinoma. I could not believe it when Dr. A did say it was a tumor. I was so shocked that my whole body was numb. I didn't cry and was proud that I actually had enough strength (thank you God!) while we were talking to Dr. A. Mark was with me.

According to Dr. A, it is not the type of tumor that spreads nor is it a type of cancer. (Uhm, isn't "carcinoma" the scientific name of cancer? Duh!) He said that it is very slow growing tumor and normally ignored by people diagnosed with the disease. Dr. A said that since it's so slow, doesn't bug those affected by it that it gets forgotten until it is too late. He was a bit frustrated that I didn't go see a doctor sooner, like three or four years ago when I first detected it. My excuse was I thought it was a blister and it doesn't bug me so I didn't see the need to have it checked. (Note to self: go see a doctor ASAP if you notice any bumps in your body, coz quite honestly I've had the tumor even before I had breast cancer!)

Mark asked if surgery is necessary. Dr. A said that like any tumor it has to be removed. If it lingers chances are it will get worse. I say take it off as soon as possible!

The silver lining, as Mark would call it, is that I do not need chemo or radiation. Oral surgery is the only way to take it off. Mark said it will be a minor inconvenience or setback but nothing I need to worry about. Easier said than done especially if you'd had a bout against cancer like me.

So what's next? Dr. A referred me to a specialist in downtown Toronto since he doesn't know anyone from my hometown. A CT scan or MRI will be done to see how far it's gone or if it has affected my bones. I hope I can see a specialist within the next couple of weeks.

Just before we left Dr. A's clinic I lost it and started crying. I wasn't sure if I was crying because it was such a relief to hear I won't undergo chemo/radiation again or the fact that I have another type of tumor. In my world, tumor is a tumor and cancer is cancer, no matter what or how you tell me. It is frustrating to say the least, and now I'm kicking/hating myself for not doing anything about it years before. But what's done is done and I can't do much about it, except move forward. Be thankful that my gut instinct told me to finally do something about it and I did.

Thinking positive after this big blow will be challenging. I have yet to come to terms with this news. It's hard to accept especially since I just bounced back to my old self after beating breast cancer. There I was starting to feel good about myself and my health, then bam! I got knocked out again.

However, in spite of it all, I think this is another challenge that I have to face and maybe has its reasons why I got it. Like I always said everything happens for a reason. Prayers have been my biggest defense and so far God has not disappointed me. But I do hope and pray that this will be the last "C" for me, I've had my share. So God, please help me.

Two agonizing days

I got a call from Dr. A's office late yesterday afternoon. His assistant's exact words were: "we got the biopsy results back and Dr. A wants to see you as soon as possible". Oh shit! My heart started to pound uncontrollably and I tried to hold back my tears. It's like deja vu when Dr. P's assistant called me to see him right away. I was a mess at work. It's like my world stood still for a couple of minutes. What now? It didn't help that I was already stressed at work.

I emailed my hubby right away about the news. I was panicking. He tried to calm me down, said think positive thoughts since we don't have a clue what is on my palate. I was a nervous wreck at work.

When I came home I lost my composure. Broke down into tears as soon as I was in our bedroom. I'm scared! I'm terrified! Anxiety level sky-rocketed. It was like re-living my worst nightmare. I am such a worry wart. Anyway, after crying for at least half an hour, I felt numb, like I was in a zone. Somehow I managed to get my composure back and put on a brave face for my kids. It is so hard to look calm/collected in front of them when in fact the inner me is in torture and very anxious.

"THE" day will be this Monday at 4:30 pm. Two agonizing days before I'll know what I have. Hubby will be with me for moral support. I think I will need all the support I can get come Monday afternoon, it can't come any sooner. Wish me luck.

Say Aaah

I had the biopsy done on June 17th. It wasn't what I expected. I thought that after they freeze my palate that they will use an injection to take a sample similar to what they did with my breast. Little did I know it was totally different.

It took about 30 minutes to do the biopsy. I was not allowed to gargle so you can just imagine my throat getting dry and my mouth wide open for 30 minutes, it wasn't fun. Halfway through the procedure, I felt some sort of floss/thread in my mouth. I was thinking why should they floss my teeth. So I asked Dr. A, what's happening. He said "one of your blood vessels won't stop bleeding sweetie". I panicked. He told me to "relax sweetie" and before I knew it he was done with the biopsy.

Dr. A prescribed an antibiotic and told me to take Tylenol for the pain. But I wanted to know what will happen next. I tried to squeeze out more info from him. When will he take the whole thing off? Where will the surgery be done? Dr. A said that the next step will all depend what the results will be. They won't get it for another two to three weeks. It might require to completely remove it or not. It could be taken off in his clinic or at another place (he didn't say where but I'm pretty sure he meant the hospital, gulp!). Nerve wracking!

But Dr. A said he thinks it's nothing and it looks benign. He said "Don't put much thought about it into your head sweetie. Relax and I'm sure it will be fine". Easier said than done. After what I've been through with breast cancer? Not a chance. Luckily, I've been so busy at work that I hardly have time to think about it.

Anyway, when I got home the freezing subsided and the pain was unbearable. I wasn't allowed to eat/drink anything hot, only at room temperature. So I had a banana and a glass of water that night and went to bed. To this day I'm having a hard time swallowing. His nurse said it will be much better in a week.

This brings back bad memories why I hate going to a dentist and say "aaah".

$h!t Happens...

Scene 1 - Dental office, regular cleaning appointment

Me (nonchalantly): Hey Dr. J, can you check what's on my palate? I can feel a blister like bump. It doesn't bug me, doesn't hurt nor is it growing.
Dr J: Yup, I see it's about 2cm x 2cm. How long have you had it?

Me: I dunno, forever? Maybe at least a couple of years.

Dr J: I'd like you to see a specialist just to make sure. It's probably nothing but better safe than sorry. It could be a bacteria, a cyst or infection

Uhm... I heard cyst...my heart skipped a beat! Oh no not again!!!!

Scene 2 - Specialist`s office
I saw Dr. A, asked me all the regular questions on new patients, my health history and why I was there. Fast forward, he examined my palate.

Dr. A: OK, I do see the bump and I would like to order a biopsy just to make sure what it is.
Me: (heart pounding like crazy) BIOPSY?! Why what is it?

Dr. A: It could be a number of things, we just want to make sure. It could be a cyst or a tumor, but it is not cancer.
Me: (I wanted to shout - WTF! but instead I said...) TUMOR?!
Dr. A: It could be a tumor or a cyst. But it is not cancer so relax. (Yeah right!)

I'm f*$k3d up! I heard the same $h!t all over again. Those were the exact words my family doctor and also my surgeon told me when I had breast cancer..."it could be a cyst or a tumor, it could be nothing".

I was so shocked yesterday that the news didn't sink in until I got home. Saw my hubby and explained what Dr A said. I was so mad. I broke down and cried. I cannot take another blow like this. I'm having the biopsy in two days and it will be a few weeks before I get the results.

I know that $h!t happens, but does the uncertainty of having another biopsy have to happen to me twice? I hope not. If you are reading this blog, please pray that it is negative for the "C" word coz I don't know what I will do if it is. I'm praying it is nothing.