Another Milestone?

This time last year I was completely knocked out, boobs sliced open and in surgery. I had lumpectomy December 9, 2008. One year ago. A friend said happy anniversary. I told her it's not really an anniversary I want to celebrate. I think it's just a milestone, to mark a year has passed since I had surgery. Nothing else.

I'm not really sure why but today I wasn't myself. I feel like crying but don't know why. I feel depressed but I don't know why. Does it have something to do with the fact that it has been a year since my surgery? I feel sad and tired. I didn't feel like doing anything. I'm just glad the day's almost over. I can't wait to go to bed soon and wake up tomorrow to a much better day than today.

Coconut-nuts!

I think my noggin needs a tune-up. Lately I kinda noticed that I'll read something and it takes awhile for the info to sink in. I'm also having a hard time multi-tasking. When I receive an email I sometimes have to read it at least two times before responding to it. Due to force of habit, I tend to hit send too fast and regret doing it afterwards realizing I did something wrong. It feels like something in my brain is not making the right connections. It's the chemo brain, there's no other explanation for it. I read the symptoms of chemo brain and they're exactly what I'm having right now. It is so frustrating and I feel inefficient. Darn it! I just hope it doesn't get worse. (sigh!)

'Tis the Season!

'Tis the season to be jolly.... Fa la la la la, la la la la...

Indeed it is! It's the 1st day of December, 24 more days and it'll be Christmas!!! Christmas is probably my favorite time of the year. It's the time to celebrate the birth of Christ, time of giving, sharing, spending time with family and best of all opening presents!!!!!!

I just started shopping for presents on Saturday and believe me that's quite unusual. I usually buy presents at least two weeks before Christmas. I want to see the madness of people buying Christmas presents at the last minute, long line ups at the cashiers, just the craziness of it all.

But this year I want to do things differently after all I have every reason to celebrate Christmas this year. I got a new lease on life. I am alive, well and happy. A new me. All the good reasons to celebrate Christmas and the rest of my life.

So the new me is stronger, more vocal and has thrown stress out of the window (or at least I'd like to think so). The new me started Christmas shopping and will do anything to make this season and the days to come extra special.

'Tis the season to celebrate! :)

Number 9

It's our wedding anniversary today! Our 9th to be exact. Nine year ago we were in Vegas and got married. No big wedding, no entourage, no bridezilla ;) It was just the two of us with Jason and my Mom as witnesses. It was a spur of the moment thing. I didn't even wear a wedding gown. My in-laws didn't know we got married until Mark returned to Canada a week after. They were shocked of course but very happy for us.

After we got married, our story wasn't a "happily-ever-after" thing. Like most married couples we've had our ups and downs, challenges, triumphs, you know, the usual stuff that goes hand in hand with marriage. But I've cherished every moment of those nine years. It's what made me a better person and the two of us, better husband/wife.

The past year has been our most challenging and difficult time by far. I had breast cancer. One would think it would dampen our marriage but in fact I think it even made it stronger. I felt Mark's unwavering love and support for me. He has been my strength the past year and I could not have done it without him. It chokes me up just thinking of the stuff he's done for me. I'm lucky to have him. :)

So I salute my one true love for sticking it out with me through thick and thin. I'm looking forward to many more years with you beside me. Happy anniversary my love!

Is this anniversary worth celebrating?

Exactly this time last year I was balling my eyes out because I received THE most devastating news in my life. I had breast cancer. I was in complete shock and could not stop myself from crying. I was inconsolable. Who wouldn't be?

I was very scared of what was going to happen to me. I didn't know what to expect. A million questions ran through my mind. A couple of questions stood out among the rest - "Why me?" and "What's going to happen to our kids?".

I also remember writing an email to my boss and a couple of my friends at work that night. I decided to write an email because I was a mess and couldn't even talk without crying. I remember my tears were running down my cheeks as I wrote the email - "my doctor confirmed my worst fear, I have breast cancer".

It's been a year and yet it is still hard to accept. Maybe because a part of me was lost, the old me, gone. But I always look at it this way: "Everything happens for a reason". Maybe it happened to me because I need to stop and smell the roses. Maybe it was my wake up call. And I think it was. I gained a different perspective in life.

Is it worth celebrating this "anniversary"? At first I would say no, because finding out you have cancer is not a reason to celebrate. It has been the toughest year of my life. However, after going through the past 10 difficult and challenging months, I would say, "YES, it is worth celebrating!" I made it! I am well! I am cancer-free! I am alive! :D Thank God for that!

What's Cookin'?

The past few days I haven't been feeling well. Something's cooking inside me and I'm not sure what it was.

I was busy at work on Friday but later that day I got dizzy and nauseous. I ignored it at first but it seemed to get worse. I left work so fast it felt like someone was chasing me out the door. On my drive home, I was praying nothing will happen to me. Yes, I was that nauseous. Fortunately I made it home safely. I went straight to bed. It felt so good to go to bed! To top it off I have been coughing a lot since then. This weekend was good for me at all. I wasn't feeling well. Today at work I couldn't even stay the whole day because I was coughing non-stop. I'm not sure what I have, flu maybe? But I do not have a fever but my body was weak.

Whatever it is I hope it's not swine flu. :-|

Some Things You Don't Forget

It was around this time last year that I was on pins and needles anxiously waiting to find out what the result of my biopsy was. This time last year I was getting ready to go to a party. A party that I never really enjoyed because I was too worried to even have fun. I put a brave face in front of my friends. I wasn't sure if I should tell them or not, they were having a great time at the party. But later in the evening I changed my mind and mustered enough courage to let them in on my little secret about the lump. I still remember trying to hold back the tears when I told them. They were all shocked of course and it did change the mood that night.

Words of encouragement and prayers poured in. I was relieved I told them. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulder. They all said they'd pray for my health. They reassured me that it might be nothing or could be benign. Little did we all know that two days later last year my world would be shattered.

Steph-a-new

The past year has been rough. The worst part of my life but I survived. In spite of it all, and as weird as it may sound, I am thankful it happened to me. Surprised? Call me insane but I am, thankful I had it.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, be it good or bad. Pre-cancer, I was stressed and too busy to enjoy life. After my diagnosis and treatments, I gained a different perspective in life. These days I stop and smell the roses so to speak. I learned how to appreciate the things around me, my family and so much more. Life goes on if you cannot do everything. I try not to worry too much. I also make it a point not to get stressed out because it is the last thing I need. If I can't finish something today, I can always do it tomorrow. I also learned to be more vocal. I usually keep things to myself but lately I find it liberating if I'm more vocal (but still trying to be tactful).

So I'm thankful for my new life because quite frankly I kinda like it, this new me.

Too Tired

It's been awhile since I wrote an entry. I am too tired to do anything after work. My energy level by 3:00 p.m. on a regular work day is nearing its limit. By the time I go home, cook and eat dinner, my energy level is zero.

When I go home, I only use the computer for about half an hour and that's it. I am too tired to use it. I am so tired that when I lie down to take a rest, my body feels so heavy and I can fall asleep in a second. I normally sleep just before midnight but the last couple of weeks, I'm sleeping by 9:00 or 10:00 in the evening.

This week I'm back to my full hours at work, seven hours with one hour lunch break and 15 minutes break in the morning. Before I got sick, I have no problems working at least seven hours a day, sometimes even without lunch breaks. But now, seven hours feels like an eternity. I'm exhausted by the end of a working day.

Sometimes I wonder if I went back to work too early. I might have been mentally prepared to work but my body is telling me a different story. It's telling me to slow down when I need it. "Screams" at me when I do too much. I gotta listen, listen, listen. Let my body do the talking. ;)

A Year to Remember

What a year it has been since my last birthday. It was a year ago today I was on pins and needles wondering if the lump on my breast was benign or cancerous, anxiously waiting for the breast ultrasound. I didn't feel like celebrating last year.

It has been a year of craziness, depression, trials, illness and challenges. It was also a year of firsts for me - breast cancer, surgery, chemo, radiation, hair loss, hormonal therapy, hospital stays, and a whole lot more.

But that's all behind me. I'm another year older and hopefully wiser. I am happy to have lived through it. I am a survivor. I am alive and well. :)

What a Week!

As you all know I went back to work this week. It was nice to go back to work. But boy oh boy, I was overwhelmed. It kinda felt like I was physically there but my mind wasn't there a 100 percent yet.

I think it was too much information I had to take, the changes that transpired while I was away and simply the workload. It was nerve wracking at some point. It was busy at work especially Thursday. It's peak season in our section. I didn't know where to start.

Whenever it felt like things were going crazy, I took some breaks. I think it's what saved me throughout the week. I also tried to do things in moderation. I didn't want to stress myself out especially the first week I went back to work. However, in spite of the craziness, I'm glad I was able to remember most of the stuff I used to do. It took a couple of days to catch up but I think I'm glad I could start again where I left off, slowly but surely.

I am also thankful that I am gradually easing my way back to work. I only worked 4 hours a day this week. There were days when the day felt too short, but there were days I wanted the 4 hours to be over. At least the modified work hours I have for two more weeks will be a big help.

The nurse was right, I will be exhausted this week. And I was.

Hair Growth after Chemo

Tonight I have been surfing the web, looking for an answer - how long will it take for my hair to grow back? Of course the most common answer is "it depends on a woman's hair". Even I knew that. But I want something more... I wanted to get numbers, length of time, more substantial information than "it depends".

Anyway, most of the sites I visited stated the average is 6-7 months before it grows to about an inch or two. It's been 5 months since my last chemo so I must be getting close to my "normal" hair. But hey, my hair is still thin and short. The length of my hair varies, longer at the back and shorter on top. I also read that it will be at least a year before the hair gets unruly or be long enough to get a haircut in a salon. On the bright side, at least I'm saving a ton of money on haircuts and shampoos. ;)

But THE most shocking thing I read was that eyebrows or eyelashes and even sometimes hair on our head comes off 5-6 months AFTER chemo! It comes and goes. WTF, I wasn't expecting that. Nobody warned me about it. Apparently it is common among cancer patients to have this "hair loss" post chemo. Darn it.

Another shocker is that taking Tamoxifen can also cause hair loss. Tamoxifen is what I'm taking daily for my hormonal therapy. NOBODY warned me about that too! I was told hot flushes was the main side effect but NOT hair loss. My morale went out the window after reading that article.

Why am I looking for this answer you might ask? Because I am sick and tired of wearing my wig. Sure my wig looks like the real deal but it is torture when I'm having hot flushes. My head feels like an oven. I also want to get my real hair back, thick and long. I guess I'll just have to wait.

Back to the Grind

Whoa! I went back to work today. I was there bright and early for my 9:00 a.m. meeting, but the nurse was a no-show. Don't know what happened there. So I went straight to my desk. It was great to see my co-workers again and they welcomed me back with open arms. :)

It was overwhelming. Information overload! My head was spinning and by 11:00 a.m. I was ready to leave work. But I survived and stayed until 1:00 p.m. By the time I got home I was really exhausted. I rested for a little bit and then I was off to pick-up the kids at school. I had to drag my feet on the way to the school.

I am really tired but it was nice to go back to work, back to the swing of things and back to the grind.

Run for the Cure

We did it! Mark and I walked 5K at the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation CIBC Run for the Cure held this morning in Brampton.

It was a last minute decision to join the cause, as in we decided before midnight last night. It was just Mark and I. It was called "Run for the Cure" but you can run, walk or jog. Mark and I walked. :) It was well worth it.

I ran/walked for myself, Bridget and Shauna and for my family too. There were about 5,000 participants in Brampton and everyone was pumped up for it. They were able to raise $400,000 to $600,000 to find a cure for breast cancer. What an achievement.

The weather was perfect and the 5K walk wasn't so bad. It felt good to join this fundraising event. It was a great experience. It gave me a different high. A big shout out to Mark for his support in joining me this morning. I love you!

I wasn't able to raise funds for the event since it was kind of like a spur of the moment thing but I will definitely aim to do it next year. So family and friends, get ready, I'm going to need your help next year, it's all for a good cause. :)

Going Pink

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. For my share, I changed the color of my blog to pink. It's not a lot but it's my own little way of raising awareness to this dreaded disease.

I know a lot of activities are lined up for this month in our area, like the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation CIBC Run for the Cure and a whole lot more. A whole month dedicated to raise funds to find a cure for breast cancer, raise awareness and encourage women to get a mammogram. I'm actually contemplating of joining the run on Sunday.

So please check your boobies. Check them while taking a shower or lying on the bed. When in doubt, go to your doctor immediately and have your boobies checked. Get a mammogram. It can detect a tumor the size of an apple seed. Yes they can be painful but nothing beats the peace of mind you will get knowing that you do not have a tumor in your breasts. Early detection is crucial. So please ladies, get a mammo as soon as you can.

Let's Get Physical, Physical...

Remember the song of Olivia Newton-John, Physical? Yes, I'm that old ;)

Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk

Well my body is definitely talking to me, actually more like screaming at me, for going crazy this morning dancing my butt off all by myself in my attempt to get physically fit. LOL :D

I go for a walk for my exercise but since it was raining this morning I decided to do something else. Danced like hell, climbed the stairs, did some stretching and used a couple of dumbbells for resistance. Well, I'm definitely paying the price for it! My legs and arms are sore! But I'm not regretting it, in fact I loved what I did this morning. I'll try to do it every morning. It was a good workout. Now if only I can get the song (Physical) out of my head... ;)

BTW...

Around this time next week, I will be back at work. I'm going to miss waking up late in the morning and letting the days go by with no worries. But I must admit I am starting to get bored at home. I can only do so much chores or home projects and I cannot go shopping everyday. So I'm actually looking forward to going back to the grind. :)

Mother Nature's Wrath

Manila (Philippines), the city where I was born, took a beating from Mother Nature this weekend. The hardest hit was Marikina (a suburb of Manila and where I lived most of my life) and Cainta were the hardest hit towns. This is the worst typhoon and flooding in 42 years.

I have seen videos, pictures and the news about the tragedy and it is devastating. It is similar to Hurricane Katrina that hit New Orleans. I saw pictures of dead people and animals lying on the roads. It is very sad.

I have no immediate family in the Philippines, mostly relatives and friends. But my heart goes out for them, after all they are still my family. Fortunately my Dad's brother and his son are safe. Some of my friends and their families are safe too. What a relief! A lot of their material possessions are gone. They are back to square one. But the way I look at it, material things can be replaced, lives cannot. So I continue praying for their safety and hope that this disaster never happen again in my old hometown.

A Little Concerned

It is probably nothing but I have been feeling pain on my right breast. The pain is in front and not where the tumor was removed. Should I be concerned? I keep checking my breasts since yesterday. But my surgeon and oncologist told me I will feel pain lots of times. Just take Tylenol they said. Like I said before any pain I feel now makes me wonder if it is anything more than that.

I have been having headaches too since I had the cold. Maybe the virus is still in my system.

Pain, pain go away.... PLEASE!

Chain Reaction

First it was Joshua, then Jason and now me. Colds and cough. Definitely the flu season is upon us. My throat got sore on Wednesday, first sign. Yesterday I was knocked out almost the whole day. I think I had a mild fever because I had the chills, no appetite and my body ached. I'm feeling a little bit better today but trying to take it easy. The kids still have a wee bit cold/cough but it's a lot better than the past few days. I hope Mark doesn't get it.

Good thing I got it now coz I will be back to work in about 10 days. But then again, fall just started and there might be more to come. I hope not.

Raising Eyebrows

Lately my eyebrows has been getting some sort of attention. I have seen women look at my eyebrows, a few even approached me and asked if they are tattoed or not. I did not have my brows tattoed. I have been patiently drawing the arches every single day since I lost my brows due to chemo. My brows are few and sparse. They are not what they used to be pre-chemo days and I can't wait until the brows are back to normal. (I should thank the ladies who taught me how to do it at the "Look Good, Feel Better" class I went to at the cancer centre.) :)

I was leaving the dental office this morning when all of a sudden one of the patients called me. An old lady with a very, very thick Russian or European accent talked to me. I did not understand half of what she said because of the accent but the bits and pieces I picked up she wanted to know who did my eyebrows, was it tattoed? I told her I draw my own eyebrows using a pencil. I even showed her what I've been using. She's using the same brand but was quite impressed how I did mine. The best part was she told me I am a very beautiful lady. Wow, even with a wig on?!?!?! (grin) What a way to start a day! It certainly made mine! :)

Morbid Thoughts

One thing I hate about being idle is thinking about the future and what might happen. I do not know why but lately I have been thinking about death. Morbid huh? Wild thoughts are going through my mind. No, I'm not thinking of suicide but more of what if I die?

I know we are mere mortals on this planet and it is inevitable but it has been on my mind lately. I was mortified of dying before but lately I have come to terms with it. Scary but true. I guess it is part of getting old, accepting the fact that it will happen eventually. It is depressing but it is a fact of life. It is bound to happen. A friend of mine once told me she's not afraid to die, in fact she looks forward to it because she will be meeting her Creator. :) I guess I should look at it that way.

All these thoughts because all I can think of are our children's future.

But I saw a quote from Buddha that says: “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” It is absolutely true. I should enjoy my life today, cherish every moment with my family and not worry about the future.

Anyway, hopefully these thoughts will end once I go back to work. I will be a busy bee by then.

Oh Canada!

September 20, 1997 was the first time I set foot on the good ol' Canadian soil. I can't believe it has been 12 years already. It was one of the major decisions I made in my life, to move to another country for a fresh start.

So many things have happened since I came to Canada. I met my husband, gave birth to two wonderful kids and have a job I love. I also became a Canadian citizen, gained new friends, bought a house and so many other good things.

It is also here that I was diagnosed with breast cancer. A bummer to the nth degree! My "oh no, why me?!?!" moment. ;) The worst experience I've ever had. But on the bright side, all my treatments were free, thanks to the Canadian government and our healthcare system. We would probably be up to our ears in debt if we lived somewhere else.

I have no regrets living here, it is my new home. I have had my highs and lows since I lived here in Canada, but then again who doesn't.

All Set, I Think

I got a call from our Occupational Health Nurse (OHN) this afternoon. She wants me to see her first thing in the morning on October 5th before I go to my work station. A meeting with the OHN and my boss 9:00 a.m. has been set up that day, I guess to iron out some details about my work and maybe some paperwork. Not really sure what's happening.

Anyway, it seems like I'm all set to go back to work in 20 days. :)

The Countdown Continues...

Three more weeks before I go back to work. Yikes!

George Clooney is in TOwn! Oprah too!

Omigosh! My man, my idol George Clooney is in town!!!! GC is in town for the TIFF to promote his two new movies - "Up in the Air" and "The Men Who Stare at Goats". He is so hot! He loves his fans that GC even signed autographs with his injured hand. Our newspaper even featured him, almost a full page feature - how to win a date with George Clooney. I do not stand a chance to be his date except maybe I'm an unknown/regular woman(one of the lessons), and that I am. I'm sure he wouldn't care who I am but boy oh boy it would be fantastic just to see him. A girl can dream, right? LOL :D

Double the fun, Oprah is in town too! She's here to promote a movie she produced, "Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire". Oprah is here. The diva, the goddess, my favorite TV host of all time. Need I say more?

I'm sure it will be near to impossible to even catch a glimpse of GC and O, but I can't believe they're in town and breathing the same air I breathe!!!

Ya Think?

I read in our local newspaper today that 4 out of 5 breast cancer survivors fear the recurrence of their cancer. Ya think?!?!?! I mean, what else will it be?

If one breast had a tumor, will the other get one too? This is a common dilemma for women diagnosed with breast cancer. Personally I think 99 per cent of women who had breast cancer have this fear.

I'm not surprised at all with the results of this survey. Based from my personal experience, even though my latest mammogram was negative and even though my oncologists said I'm cancer free, I am totally scared of a recurrence. I try not to think of it on a daily basis or let it get over my head but there are days, especially when I feel pain, when I wonder. I pray that I don't.

Fear of a recurrence is exactly the reason why I asked and requested for a mastectomy (even double mastectomy) to no avail. All my doctors flatly said no and that it's the last resort in my case. I had no qualms about taking "the girls" off my chest if it would mean extending my life for another 50 years. But my medical team of doctors, specialists and what not told me not to. This is also the reason why I begged Dr. K to give me a breast ultrasound for my peace of mind. Again, that thought went out the window. Darn.

Anyway, the article listed a few ways to avoid recurrence (with no guarantees, of course): limit alcohol to no more than one a day (no problem with that one); avoid smoking (stopped smoking a looong time ago but only as an occasional smoker); exercising (yikes!), maintaining a low fat diet (uhm...) and healthy weight (oh boy! lol :D). I'm trying really hard on the lifestyle changes (the last three), some people may agree or disagree, but I really am trying. Trying to eat healthier and making greener/better choices for my well-being.

The article further stated that "starting treatment with the most appropriate therapy from the outset and taking medication as directed can help reduce the chance of a breast cancer recurrence". Taking medications on time is also crucial they said. Gotta remember not to forget to take my meds then. Four years and nine more months to go.

Joshua's and Jason's Rules

It's back to school today. Woohoo! And boy, our kids were excited. I was quite surprised how excited they were, I thought they were dreading it, I guess I'm wrong. They even came up with a set of rules before going to school. Jason's probably the "mastermind" behind these rules but I must say they followed it to a tee this morning. It is too cute and too funny not to share so here it is:

1. Wake up at 6:45 a.m.
2. Watch 1 25-minute episode - 7:00 (my guess - The Suite Life of Zach and Cody, their favorite!)
3. Have cereal and 2 waffles - 5 minutes
4. Brush our teeth for 4 minutes
5. Take a shower for 2 minutes
6. Pack-up and get changed
7. Watch Pokemon 10 minutes and drink smoothies
8. Put on your stuff and get to school.

Kids do (and say) the darndest things don't they ;)

For a Greener, Healthier Tomorrow

Our family is slowly but surely going green. It's good for the environment and good for our family.

We replaced our teflon, non-stick pots and pans with stainless steel ones. There are concerns that teflon might cause cancer. When used in very high temperatures, it somehow gives off fumes that is bad for our health. Some people might disagree especially the Teflon experts and I'm not saying we are right on this one but our family is airing on the side of caution and won't use those products anymore. Better safe than sorry as they say.

We also plan to replace our plastic cooking utensils/bowls with wooden or stainless steel products. Again plastic is a big no-no especially in microwaves. Please do not use plastics in microwaves, ever! It is kind-a hard these days when almost everything is made out of plastic or contains plastic. But for our family, every little change helps. Don't get me wrong, we still use plastic containers for storage but not for cooking. I am also planning to buy glass, ceramics or stonewares to replace our plastic ones.

Next step is going green with our household products. We have not started yet but we are planning to use greener, more environmentally-friendly cleaning products. I read that our good old vinegar, lemons and baking soda are the best three products to deodorize and clean surfaces in our homes. The lesser toxic fumes, the better.

When it comes to food, we no longer buy processed meat. We are going all natural, as much as we can. Some of our produce and meat are organic, some are not. Organics are really pricey so we tend to buy whatever is on sale or has a good price. Our family also drinks fresh smoothies everyday courtesy of Mark. All good for our health. I'm sure Mark will have a gazillion information about health more than I do but these little info I know. ;)

Anyway, there are so many other things we are planning to do. For some, the changes we made or will be doing may sound extreme or a little over the top but it's for our family. The bottom line is if you were in our shoes (and after what we've been through), you will do everything to keep your family safe and healthy. It's our contribution to the environment and benefits our family too. :)

PS - I think my hubby will be proud of me about this post, hee hee ;)

Tick...Tock....

Five more weeks to go before I go back to work...

I'm kind of having some anxieties about it. Mixed feelings. I'm excited because it will be another closure for me, another chapter of my life almost done. A sense of normalcy that I've been yearning for. Like Dr. K told me "you need your life back". True.

I'm a little scared too. Me? Scared of work? Yup, that's true. It's hard to explain how I feel. I've been looking forward to going back to my normal life, like going back to work. Since I've been diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent aggressive treatments, things have been different - my outlook and priorities in life, my values, me(!), it's a whole new ballgame. The normal life I had pre-cancer is not the same as the "new normal" after the treatments. I read that this is not unusual for cancer patients/survivors. Several questions are going through my mind every so often. Will I be able to pick up where I left off at work before my treatments? I may not look or feel sick but can my body handle the daily demands of my work? Can I handle the stress at work? Will my mind be as sharp (I think) as before? With brain fog, this is a little bit scary for me.

So many uncertainties (sigh) I guess I'll have to figure these out once I go back to work. I've been psyching myself about it for a couple of weeks now. And when the time comes I sure hope that I will be ready for it, physically, emotionally and mentally. I'll keep you posted.

In the News

"Tamoxifen linked to risk of aggressive cancer" (Toronto Star, Living Section, August 26, 2009)

Well isn't that reassuring! There I was drinking my morning coffee, reading the newspaper and I saw this article.

I got nervous and couldn't believe what was in the article where it states: "A new study suggests long-term use of tamoxifen is linked to increased risk of developing an aggressive type of cancer". If you read the article the risk happens if you take Tamoxifen for five years or more, "reduced the more common type of breast cancer by 60 per cent, it also increased the risk of a more aggressive subtype of disease by more than 400 per cent". Yikes! My blood pressure certainly went up a couple of notches. What the heck?

But wait, there's a sub-headline that said: "Experts say benefits outweigh risks, however" Okay, that sounds better.

It also said use of Tamoxifen also comes with the risk of stroke. Well that's contrary to what Dr. K told me it will "lower the risk" of stroke or heart attack. Who's telling the truth now? I'm confused. I can imagine what Dr. K will say when I mention this article to him, not to believe it. :-/

On second thought this article might not affect me because Dr. K said he will change my medication after a couple of years of Tamoxifen for a newer type of medicine.

This is one of the reasons why I do not like reading newspapers because every time I read a news like this, it rattles my nerves and my worry wort persona comes out.

The Countdown Begins....

Exactly six weeks from today I will go back to work. I've marked my calendar, October 5th it will be, so let the countdown begin.

I confirmed the date with our insurance representative last week and also received a letter today from my rep confirming the return to work plan we discussed. There's no turning back now. ;)

The doctor's order is to go back to work October 1st, but it's on a Thursday so she recommended that I start October 5th instead. The insurance company has a return-to-work plan for all employees on long term disability, more like modified work hours to gradually ease us back into the workforce. In my case, the first week will be four hours a day, then five on the second and six on the third. By the fourth week, I am expected to work full time starting on October 26th. My long term disability benefits end October 25th.

Gotta start dusting those work clothes and shoes soon.

Heaven on Earth

Last week was a fun-filled vacation week. We rented a cottage and spent the whole week with my in-laws and family friends.

We couldn't have asked for more. The cottage was literally a few steps away from the lake. Going to sleep and waking up in the morning with the sound of the waves/water was divine. Sitting on the deck and watching boats go by was relaxing. The weather was perfect. All the kids had a ball. What a gorgeous way to spend the week.

It was also a nice break from the hustle and bustle of city living. We didn't hear any police or firetruck sirens, it was the least amount of noise pollution you could ask for. No traffic. It was situated in a quaint little town surrounded by farms and wineries where people are very friendly. Everyone was smiling, saying hi to you or opening doors for you. So friendly that I couldn't believe when a complete stranger waited on my mother-in-law at a grocery store parking lot and closed the car door for her. A rarity these days. ;)

Everyone had a fantastic time. Nobody kept track of the time just letting the days go by without any worries. There was so many fun things to do - swimming in the lake, jet skiing (my personal favorite), tubing, boat riding, basketball, horseshoes, yahtzee, card games, volleyball, etcetera. Our kids wants to live there. To top it off, the kids didn't even watch TV for a week!!! If you know our kids, that was a big feat.

It was the vacation everyone needed. An escape from our stressful lives. Personally I think we had a slice of heaven on earth even for only a week. :)

Busy Bee

It's been 10 days since my last post. I've been a busy bee entertaining and spending quality time with family. :)

Milestones

Well what do you know it's been eight months since I had the lumpectomy (surgery). I didn't even realize it's been that long until Mark mentioned it to me tonight. Wow! Now the whole experience feels like a blur. It was eight tough months but I survived! :)

While I'm at it, I might as well lay it on the table. It has been...
...10 months since I found the lump
...9 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer
...8 months since the lumpectomy
...7 months when the poison first entered my body and wreaked havoc for over 4 months (chemotherapy)
...3 months since my last torture of chemo
...1 month or so after my radiation, and finally
...1 1/2 is the number of boobs I have ;) LOL :D hahahahahahahahahaha...

Time flies.

Yuck!

My nails look like the Sahara desert, extremely dry, coarse and wavy. They look disgusting. The right index and middle fingers are the worst. They look as if the skin is separating from the nail.

My almost bald head and my nails are the only reminders left from my chemo. I can't wait until they're back to normal.

Paranoia

I think I am getting paranoid with every ache, bump or pain I feel since I had cancer. Is a new bump a lump/tumor? Is a pain a sign of another major illness?

When I hear or read stories about people having skin cancer (it was in the news this week) or if a breast cancer survivor develops something new like pancreatic or ovarian cancer, my anxiety level goes up. My worrywort persona prevails. Are my moles cancerous? Should I see a specialist? Should I get an ultrasound to check if my internal organs are normal or not. My mind goes crazy just thinking about it. I should probably talk to a peer counsellor coz it's driving me nuts.

It's hard to explain how I feel but it's an uneasy one. If you haven't been a cancer patient like me you will never understand how I feel. You can call me crazy or paranoid but that's how it is. But Nurse Betty (I'll call her that since I forgot her name) told me most cancer patients think every aches or pains we feel after our diagnosis might be something serious. She said this feeling of paranoia will be hanging on my shoulder for a little while and my reactions are not unusual.

It's a crazy feeling and I hope you will never feel it.

Stress

Who the heck invented stress? It is a part of life you just can't live without. You get rid of one and another one pops up. Not only is stress a pain in the butt it could also trigger a whole bunch of health problems. It's probably the world we live in or the way we live our lives.

Stress sucks.

Another Closure

A nurse called this afternoon and asked if I need a check-up. I said I was fine and don't need one. I told her my treatments are over and only taking maintenance pills for the hormonal therapy. So the nurse said she'll pop over our place to close my files with their agency.

When she came I invited her to stay a little bit and chitchat. They've been part of my life these past few months and I felt a chat was a nice way of ending our short-lived relationship. I forgot her name but she's nice the same with all the homecare nurses who helped me. I told her what's been happening and the good news I've had recently. She's quite happy for me. Apparently, she also had a battle with the big C. She knows exactly how I feel. It was reassuring that what I'm feeling is normal and the fears of the unknown, natural. Anyway I enjoyed our conversation. She even gave me a hug before she left. What a nice lady.

I'm thankful these nurses helped me these past few months. They're dedicated, sincere and caring. They made my treatments a little bit easier.

It is another closure for me. It felt great! It felt like I closed another chapter of my life. One that I never want to experience again.

Fantastic News!!!!

Hep, hep, hooray, all my test results were normal! Woohoo! Fantastic indeed! :)

Dr. K told us that the mammogram was conclusive and it was normal. Nothing to worry about said the big guy. Yeah! Like I said yesterday I was going to push for the breast ultrasound. No such luck there. Trust me I tried to ask for it a few times, short of going down on my knees and beg, but he said no. Dr. K was satisfied with the results of my mammo and didn't see a need for an ultrasound. He said "why expose yourself to more radiation?" Ah because the mammo screwed up last year! Duh! I told him I want it for my peace of mind. Still didn't work. Well at least I tried.

Anyway I asked him about the dizziness, headache and mild pains. Dr. K told me to check with Dr. C about my dizziness. It has nothing to do with my hormonal therapy. Next the headache which I've had for two months. He thinks it might be tension headache. Dr. K even put pressure where the pain was coming from. I said the pain is kinda similar to the pressure but not quite the same. Dr. K said to observe it for another month and if it still persists he'll order a CAT scan. The mild pains? He pretty much shrugged it off and didn't explain it properly.

We also talked about how I'm reacting to Tamoxifen for my hormonal therapy. I told him the hot flashes are no fun and usually occurs at night. He felt sorry for me. I also asked him about my period and what to expect. It's kinda back but really short. Dr. K said it may or may not come back at all since I'm already peri-menopausal. Will it increase my chances to have ovarian or uterus cancer? Dr. K said no but it may increase my chance for another breast cancer based from really old findings. What?!?!?! BUT Dr. K it's highly unlikely. Anyway Dr. K said DO NOT WORRY about it and enjoy the fact that the test results are normal. Hey what can I do I'm a worrywort.

I won't see Dr. K again until next year after my annual mammogram. Good!

It took awhile for the good news to sink in because I was disappointed he didn't order an ultrasound. But when it did, it felt great. "God is great!" That's my status for today on my Facebook account. God is great because He answered my prayers. He didn't let me down. :)

What a wonderful day!

Good News or Bad News

We're meeting Dr. K tomorrow morning. Will it be good news or bad news? That is the million dollar question at the moment.

I have been praying that everything will be okay tomorrow. God I hope so.

I want to know the results of my urine test, skull x-ray and mammogram. Since I took these tests I haven't heard from Dr. K's office. Most people say no news is good news. However, I read an article in the newspaper recently that no news doesn't necessarily mean good news. Yikes! I'm getting anxious. I still want to hear it from the horse's mouth that everything is normal.

Will Dr. K request for breast ultrasound? I'm curious to find out if he wants to order one for me. He was quite reluctant the last time I saw him. I want it! It is the reassurance I need that they do not miss anything again. Since the foul up last year, I don't believe in mammograms anymore.

I have a few questions for him. My dizzy spells, the weird headache, some aches and pains I sometimes feel on my chest, to name a few. Hmm, I should make a list so I won't forget.

So what will it be? Good news or bad news? Let's keep our fingers crossed and pray that it is the former. :)

Stay tuned...

Kids Stuff

I love our kids, there's no doubt about that. I cannot imagine my life without them.

I love it when I see their smiles and their eyes lit up when they're excited. I love it when I hear them laughing. They do very simple things that really brings joy to my heart. Any stress or problems I may have are forgotten when I hear them laughing even for a short while.

I'm proud that our kids took my illness in stride and accepted whatever pains or challenges I had especially during chemo - hair loss, fatigue, too sick to play with them, etcetera. I'm sure they were confused (and probably still are) about my illness, the questions were endless but what mattered most to me was that they (and Mark) were with me every step of the way and love me no matter what.

One benefit I have since I got sick was that I have the chance of spending more time with them especially this summer. I really enjoy watching them learn how to swim, play basketball or play silly games with them. I feel their joy when they are having a blast at the rides at a fairground. I also cherish the moments when they've achieved something be it big or small. Something that I might be too busy to notice if I'm working. They're growing right before my eyes.

But don't get me wrong, our kids are no saints, like other children, there are days when they test our patience. When they are whining, bickering, fighting over toys and constantly complaining they're bored, I ask myself when am I going back to work? Two boys are a handful. Thank goodness we only have two. ;)

Even if there are days when they drive us nuts, we still love our kids very much. They have a knack of making us laugh or say the darnest things when you least expect it. Kids will be kids and we won't have it any other way.

Woozy World

Lately I've noticed that I get dizzy easily. Mainly when I quickly change positions like getting up, squatting or bending to pick up a thing. When it does happen I have to sit or stand still for a few seconds before it goes away. Sometimes it gives me a mild nauseating feeling and sometimes it doesn't.

It is only natural that we do these positions on a daily basis and impossible for me not to. It's not hypertension because I have been taking my meds regularly and my blood pressure is normal. I've had these symptoms since I had chemo. Could it be vertigo? Or is my body still adjusting because of all the treatments I've had (and still getting). I wonder what it is.

Good thing I'm seeing Dr. K on the 28th. I'll ask him (among other things). It is more likely that he will tell me to go see Dr. C, my family doctor. But I will definitely get his opinion if these dizzy, woozy spells are normal, post chemo.

Changes

My breasts have been taking a beating since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. You name it, they've done it. "They" being my doctors, nurses, technicians, specialists, technologists, etcetera. My twins have been poked, pushed, opened, pulled, x-rayed, nuked and so on.... It came to a point that I don't even care who's seen them or what they do with it. My dignity went out the window.

Since I had the surgery my breasts have never been the same. These days it looks like I have a breast and a half, instead of two. One is noticeably bigger than the other. One looks normal and healthy. The other looks like a giant prune, bruised and old. I guess it was expected but it still bugs me that they're not what they used to.

These days the affected breast gets itchy at times, the burnt skin is starting to peel off and slowly my natural skin tone is coming back. This morning I noticed my armpit is no longer black/dark. :) Cool! Now I can wear sleeveless tops.

But no matter what, I'm happy I still have them both.

Family Ties

Last weekend Mark's family had a reunion. It was from his Mom's side, the A family. Some of them I haven't seen in a few days. Some of them I haven't seen in months or years and some of them I haven't met at all. So it was nice see everyone gathered together in one place, one weekend.

During the planning stage, Mark and I weren't sure if we will be able to join the reunion. It was all dependent on my radiation treatment. But fortunately the radiation finished by the end of June and we were able to join in the fun.

Personally, I thought I'd be bored out of my mind since I cannot enjoy the sun or the pool with everyone. It has only been a little over two weeks since my last radiation treatment, soaking under the sun and in the pool are prohibited until around the end of July. Anyway, I was armed with a book and MP3 to keep me occupied. But I never had the chance to read the book or listen to my reliable MP3 because I wasn't bored at all. I had so much fun reconnecting with the A family last weekend. I loved seeing my kids having a ball. I loved that the weather was great (except Saturday morning). I loved the late nights and the company.

Everyone was also happy to see that I'm doing well and cancer free. They were all delighted with the great news. Praise be to God indeed! :) They also thanked Mark for his fantastic updates that kept them in the loop with my treatments, struggles, triumphs, challenges with my fight against breast cancer. I proudly told everyone that I couldn't have done it without Mark's love, support and understanding.

We got caught up with each family's escapades, stories and what nots. The bonfires, sharing stories/jokes, the kids' giggles, great food, unlimited supply of drinks and most especially gathering three or four generations of the A family last weekend were priceless. It was a weekend to remember.

I think everyone enjoyed the reunion. Some even said we should do it more often. Maybe next year? Whenever the next reunion will be Mark, Jason, Joshua and I hope to see you all again soon... Uncle Cor, Aunt Grace, Anita, Doug, Eric, Peter, Luke, Con, Jessica, Jackie, Steven, Dylan and his sister (sorry I forgot your name), Uncle Bill R, Aunt Vera, Art, Elisabeth, Aaron, Ryan, Natalie, Nicole, Paul, Bles, Angeline, Uncle Wietze, Aunt Sharon, Jordan, Justine, Rebeka (belated Happy Birthday!), Mom, Dad, Tonya, Kevin, Emily, Reina, Bill P, Danielle, Derek, Nadia, Kayla and Alyssa......after all we are FAMILY! :)

Second Annual Mammogram

I had my second annual mammogram today and boy did it hurt! Today was a totally different experience. I wasn't nervous going to the hospital. I was quite calm and actually looked forward to this annual event of mine. It didn't hurt the last time so I was thinking it should be okay. Not!

Before the mammo started, the mammogram technologist named Eva and I talked about my breast cancer and how my first mammo results screwed up. ;) She reviewed my file and also looked at the images of my breasts from my last mammo. It felt weird seeing images of my puppies on the computer. I tried to find the tumor but I couldn't. Eva was surprised the mammo didn't catch the tumor because of its size. Her assessment was the person who did it last year didn't use a lot of "compression". Eva told me that she would use more pressure this time to get more accurate images. I can't help but wonder if more compression was done last year could they have detected the tumor? Eva also suggested that I get an ultrasound since the last mammo missed the tumor. Better safe than sorry. She got that right. I'm definitely going to push Dr. K to request an ultrasound, for my peace of mind.

So it began. Any woman who had a mammogram would know how uncomfortable and painful it is. Eva started on the left breast. The mammo technologist pulled, shoved, pushed, positioned my breast like it was a piece of meat. When the machine started to press on my breast, I felt the pressure getting worse. There I was standing, could not move, wasn't allowed to breathe and experienced painful pressure on my breast. The pain was so bad I started to cry. On a scale of 1 to 10, the pain was 10. If I didn't complain Eva would probably press my breasts like pancakes. The pain was worse on my right breast because it is still tender from radiation and it is still recovering from the surgery. It hurt so bad I was sobbing by the time Eva was finished. A couple of times she wasn't quite satisfied with the images so she had to take more pictures. Torture!

I cried because it really, really hurt, I think my breasts were traumatized! I also think I cried because it brought back bad memories when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's like a complete 360. I started with a mammogram last year, got diagnosed with BC, received treatments and here I am again today with another mammo. Maybe a part of me was scared that they might detect something new. Another part of me was also scared because of possibly having another wrong diagnosis. I just hope and pray the results are normal. I'll get the results in two weeks. Keep your fingers crossed! :)

A View from the Top

We met Dr. P last Monday for my six-month check-up (post surgery). He said there was no new growth on my right breast, the lymph nodes are ok and everything is clear. Good.

Then I told him about my unusual headache on the left side of my head. The one I've been having since last month. It won't go away. Dr. P asked me if the pain is from the skull or the brain. I can't tell what the difference is. Dr. P ordered an x-ray of my skull (left temporal, I think), just to make sure.

I had the x-ray done this morning. It's my first time to have my skull x-rayed. I thought it would only be one shot but they took a few. The positions they asked me to do to have it done were really awkward and uncomfortable like tilting my head as far back as I could while sitting up straight and not moving at all.

It was also my first time to take off my wig outside the comforts of our home and to a complete stranger at that. I told the lady that I'm wearing a wig and asked if it will affect the x-ray. The lady said it is best to take it off to avoid any wrong diagnosis. So I did. It felt weird. I'm sure the lady has seen hundreds of bald women in her line of work but I was a bit uncomfortable since it was my first. The lady kept on moving my head to ensure she got the right shot. Another exposure to radiation.

Anyway, I hope the results are normal. I'm praying they are. I'll find out when I meet with Dr. K later this month.

Road to Recovery Update

Seven out of ten fingernails are back to their former glory (white). Woohoo! Three more discoloured nails to go and my hands will look normal again. Down south, my two big toenails are still discoloured. Thank goodness for nail polish!

Hair there and everywhere... My head is still bald but those suckers are definitely coming. They're like weeds popping up everywhere on my head, just the way I like it! Even our kids have noticed my hair is getting thicker. :)

Breast - still tender, itchy, burnt and sore from radiation. I'm going to Week 2 post radiation.

Fatigue - kicks in every now and then. I'm trying to take it easy when it happens.

Hot flashes - in full swing. Torture!

Doctor's appointment - tomorrow afternoon with Dr. P, my surgeon. I can't believe it has been six months since I last saw him.

Time flies.

4th of July

Hey, it's the 4th of July. Happy Independence day to everyone who lives in the US of A. :)

Itchy and Scratchy

Sounds like the cartoon show from The Simpsons but mine isn't.

The breast area is very itchy and I am stopping myself from scratching it. Ah!!! A small portion of my underarm skin peeled off too(about the size of a corn kernel). No wonder it hurt. I hope I don't have any more of the skin peeling. That might mean a trip to the hospital to see Dr. W.

At night I find it uncomfortable when I sleep on my right side, it's like putting pressure on the breast/armpit area. It's a burning/achy/itchy feeling. Weird. So I sleep on my back or left side instead.

Two to three weeks to go....

Ew!

Since my radiation started I apply the glaxal base cream at least three times a day to avoid severe dryness or any type of skin reaction on my breast. This is my routine everyday for another month. The longer the radiation, the darker my skin was. As I was applying the cream tonight I just noticed how gross my skin looked like under my right breast. Ew!

My right breast looks almost like a burnt meat from the grill with some char on the side, especially where the lump was taken. Ew!

It is also starting to get itchy and achy. From a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, I would say the itchiness is between 2-3 and the achiness about 3 when it does happen. I have been trying my best not to scratch it when it's itchy because I don't want it to get worse, possibly causing another "Ew!". I should put more hydrocortisone cream on it to prevent the itchiness.

Anyway, this is temporary, I was told the skin will go back to normal in about 3 weeks or so. The good thing is it is hidden which means people can't see it and won't have to say "Ew!" :)

It's Over!!!!!

The long wait is over, I finished my radiation treatment this morning!!!! Finished, finito, the end. That was it, no more going to hospitals and no more exposures to radiation.

I was so sleepy on the way to the hospital. My appointment was at 9:00 a.m. But I felt alive and great after the radiation therapy was over. It was such a relief! I said goodbye to the radiation technicians one last time. One of them even wished me "all the best". It was perfect timing when I heard one of my favorite dance songs on the radio, I was so happy I even danced a wee bit in my car. I told Mark I should par-teh and celebrate. Mark said he'll take me out for dinner tonight. Cool.

Technically I'm still receiving treatment, hormonal therapy. But that's in pill form. As our son, Joshua, would say "easy, peezy!" From now on it will only be follow-up visits to my doctors, Dr. C, Dr. P and Dr. K.

I'm on the road to recovery. Neato! :)

Rekindling Old Ties

Yesterday was a gorgeous sunny day. It was a perfect day to rekindle old ties with my high school classmates who lives in our area. I haven't seen them in ages. We had a blast. The venue was at a picnic area beside a marina. It was so beautiful.

Prior to the reunion I asked the organizer if the picnic area is directly under the sun. I said for health reasons I cannot be exposed to the sun for a long period of time. Fortunately the picnic area had a shed and I was ok. However, all of my friends kept asking me why I cannot be exposed to the sun. They wanted me to explain what "health reasons" meant. Every time they did ask me, I changed the topic.

Nobody noticed the wig, in fact, I got a compliment when one of them said she loves my new hair. ;) I didn't say anything about my illness. I thought it wasn't the right time to do so.

Yesterday was all about rekindling old ties with my high school friends and not about me. I didn't want to spoil the fun. We had such a great time, laughing and reminiscing the good old days. It was the break I needed. It also felt great to feel "normal" again, not having to think about breast cancer even for a portion of a day was priceless.

It was an awesome day. :)

Down to the Wire

I cannot believe it but three more days of radiation and I'm done. It's down to the wire!

Today was the start of the boost treatment phase of my radiation. This is where they focus the beam/radiation where the tumor was located. The radiation technician explained to me what it does this morning but of course I cannot remember a thing he said at the moment. Chemo brain in action! ;) Maybe I'll remember it later.

I'm getting four of these boost treatments, one done today and three more to go. My last day of radiation is June 29th.

Yesterday we saw Dr. W for the last time. He checked my breast and was glad to see my skin looks excellent. Dr. W said the redness and spots are normal, so are the tightness of the breast muscles and the skin discolouration of my right armpit. Dr. W did warn me that the boost treatments may give me some bad skin reactions and some swelling. If I do, I'm supposed to call him pronto so he can check. Dr. W also told me to continue using the glaxal base cream for another month. I use the cream 3-4 times a day to prevent dryness as the skin tends to be that when undergoing radiation. Another big no-no is to be exposed to the sun during treatment and 2-4 weeks thereafter. No swimming either especially in pools since they contain chlorine (approximately 2-3 weeks after radiation). But after a couple of months, he said I can go back to my normal stuff like wearing regular bras. ;)

Dr. W is really nice and friendly. It was great to have him as a doctor.

Hot, Hot, Hot....

Summer's here! Yay! :) The flowers are in full bloom, the sky is blue and the birds are chirping. Beautiful!

However, hot humid weather and hot flashes are unbearable! Oh my! Those two plus a broken A/C is torture. So you can just imagine my dilemma. I hope Mr. A/C Fix-it-guy will be my hero tomorrow and get the sucker up and running again.

I forgot to mention that Dr. K told me I have perimenopause. I'm already experiencing hot flashes since I had the chemo. Dr. K said the hormonal therapy will kick it up a notch, to the point that the hot flashes might be too much to handle. Oh dear.

Wearing a wig doesn't help either. I didn't mind wearing it last winter/spring but it is hot and uncomfortable in the summer. It's like having a built in oven on your head. The same goes when wearing a bandana or a cap at home. Hot! A few more months before the real deal comes out and when it does it will be bye-bye wiggy, au revoir caps/bandanas.

Noggin Update and more

I saw Dr. C this afternoon about three things: my weird headache, an unusual rash and to fill up my disability form.

Before she checked me, Dr. C asked how I am and if my hair started growing. I gave her a peak of my baldness. She said it's coming! :) Then we ended up talking how my kids are taking it, the baldness and my illness. I told her they're ok with my baldness and that we even make fun of it these days. I also told Dr. C that Jason is the one who wants certainty about my well-being and my hair. It was quite a discussion but I won't go into details about it. Secret ;)

Anyway, I complained about my weird headache. I told her about the pain I've been experiencing and mentioned it was not a regular headache. The pain was only at two specific locations. She asked me to do some tests: walk a straight line; checked my eyes; moved my hands/palms in certain movements; and, touched her index fingers using mine then touch the tip of my nose. Afterwards Dr. C said she doesn't believe it's brain tumor. Brain tumor?!?!?!?!?!?! What the heck?!?!?! I never even thought of that! My face probably turned white because Dr. C assured me it isn't brain tumor. She said my motor skills are all fine and I'm thinking straight. She told me not to worry about it. Her advice, take Advil or Tylenol if the headache happens again. God I hope it isn't anything serious because I'm not sure if I can handle any more bad news regarding my health.

I also asked Dr. C to check my calves. They have been problematic for a couple of months now. First was the swelling, then pain and now itchiness. My calves have been itchy. Initially I thought it was severe dry skin. I slathered them with tons of moisturizers and thick cream. It relieved the itchiness for a little while but it's not going away. Since the weekend I felt the itchiness going up almost to the back of my knees. I knew it wasn't dry skin. It drove me up the wall. It turns out that it might be eczema or a mild allergy to something. Dr. C said I might be allergic to grass and asked that I refrain from gardening for now. She prescribed a cortizone cream. I hope that helps.

After that was the boring part - my disability forms. Yawn! At least it was over and done with. I'll submit those tomorrow.

That's it, there's nothing wrong with my noggin. :)

What's up with my noggin?

I'm still getting the weird headache. Man, what's up with that? Two specific areas now, both on the left side. One on the center, one on top of my left ears. Is it something to do with my eyes, my brain or what? Yesterday, I was a bit dizzy too. Rest and sleep doesn't seem to help since I still get it when I wake up. I gotta check with Dr. C tomorrow.

I hope there's nothin' wrong with my noggin.

Darn it!

One day I feel great, today I feel like crap. I have an unusual headache since noon today. Just one specific spot on my head. It comes and goes. Darn it, I hope it is nothing.

I am also tired. Is fatigue kicking in due to my radiation? Maybe.

I better take it easy.

Time for a Happy Dance!!!!

Well folks, Dr. K, my medical oncologist also my chemo skipper, gave me the big thumbs up that I am cancer free!!! I believe a happy dance is in order! Oooh baby, baby, ba, ba, ba, baby.... I feel good!!!!

Like what I said to a few people today, I kinda knew I was cancer free when they removed the tumor out of my breast. But boy, oh, boy, it feels absolutely great to hear it straight from my medical oncologist's mouth that I am cancer-free! I can't explain how happy I am. :) If you could see me now, I have a big grin on my face as I am writing this entry.

I have other news related to my treatments, my radiation is treatment is going well. So far my skin looks great according to my radiation team. I can tell the affected area is slightly burnt but it doesn't sting or bother me. What bothers me is sometimes I feel pain where the tumor was taken out. They told me to take Tylenol to relieve the pain.

My hormonal therapy will start tomorrow as soon as I get the meds from the pharmacy. Dr. K explained the reason why I have to undergo hormonal therapy. He said my hormone receptor is positive, "barely positive" to be exact. The numbers are almost borderline between negative and positive, but since it is positive (even barely positive), I have to be treated with Tamoxifen. Dr. K said there are two options for hormonal therapy: Option 1, take Tamoxifen only for five years; or Option 2, what he calls a "switching strategy" where they prescribe Tamoxifen first and then switch to a newer drug after 2-3 years. Dr. K will evaluate at a later date which option is suitable for me. He thinks he might recommend Option 2.

Like any other treatment, Dr. K told us the pros and cons of hormonal therapy. He said hormonal therapy slightly reduces the risk of heart attack and it also helps make my bones stronger. The downside is there is the small risk of getting uterine cancer (less than one percent chance that I might get it). Clotting in the veins is also a possibility. However Dr. K said not to worry about it, he said hormonal therapy is very effective especially for women who still gets their monthly period. If you will recall from my previous posts, I want my period to end since I've been having problems with it. But now that Dr. K said it will actually help with my hormonal therapy, I can't wait to get it back!!! (This might be too much info to my male friends! hee hee) Another thing is Dr. K also said that this therapy may affect my ovaries. If so, he will recommend that my ovaries be removed. I have no problems with that.

The biggest side effect of Tamoxifen is having hot flashes. I told him I'm already getting it because of the chemo. Dr. K said the hot flashes will get worse with Tamoxifen. Great.

Dr. K did not recommend any further testing to determine if cancer has spread to my body. He said a CAT scan or any type of test may be inconclusive and give false results. I guess it will be a wait and see game. But for now I am cancer free. :) I will still take this one day at a time.

Dr. K did order a mammogram only, not an ultrasound. After the misdiagnosis of my mammo last year, Mark and I questioned Dr. K why not get an ultrasound too. Dr. K said that if the mammo will be inconclusive, only then will he order an ultrasound. A mammo has been scheduled for July 13th and I'll meet with Dr. K to discuss the mammo findings on July 28th.

I will worry about that later. My fight against cancer is not over yet but for now it is time for a happy dance! Woohoo!!!!

Why Mommy?

While having dinner tonight Jason asked me why I'm not back at work. In his eyes, I do not look sick and was wondering when am I going back to work. I explained to him that although I may look well, I'm still weak and my body has not fully recovered from chemo. I also told him that I go to the hospital everyday to receive radiation therapy. Jason said "but you are not sick and don't sleep the whole day like you did before" (he was referring to my chemo days). I said the worst part of my treatment is over and that radiation is not as bad as chemo. Jason wanted to know when I will be well enough to go to work. It felt like no matter what I said, he was still confused. I think out of frustration, he stopped asking.

How do you explain to a 9 year old boy what my current situation when I don't even know what the answer is? I do not know if the chemo worked. I do not know how effective the radiation is. I do not know when my doctors will give me a clean bill of health.

Check.... 1..2..3...

Well, well, well... I guess it can now be said that my hair is starting to grow. Woohoo!!!! :D

I check my head for any signs of hair growth every single day since my last chemo. They are slowly but surely coming out. One, two, three and many more!!! Every time I see a new growth I do a little happy dance to celebrate its arrival.

This may sound absurd to some of you but it isn't for me. Getting my hair back feels like some form of normalcy to me, something that I haven't had since my chemo started. Maybe that's why I have been feeling good about myself lately.

The ones coming out are very thin and are about half an inch long. I saw one very straight white hair (gulp!), sticking out like a sore thumb. The others are black, thin and growing above my ears. So will I have salt and pepper hair?!?!?! Who cares as long as I have my hair back.

I did something this week which I haven't done since I lost my hair. I went out of our house with just a headcover. I did some gardening. It felt uncomfortable but a bit liberating. I still cannot go to malls, drive or do errands with only a headcover. I get self-conscious and do not want other people to stare at me, so I wear the wig.

As much as I love my wig, it is starting to be a nuisance. Summer is just around the corner and my head feels like an oven on hot humid days. Lately I've been sleeping without any sleeping cap on. Aside from the hot weather which we get at times at night, I get hot flashes too. It is uncomfortable. So I can't wait til my old crowning glory returns.

I am still bald but I'm loving what I see on my head, up close. Almost everyone is asking me if I have more hair. I guess not, for now. Our kids want to know if I will have a full set of hair by the end of June. At the rate it is growing, I don't think so. By the end of July? Maybe? Only time will tell. Like I said earlier I check it everyday, be it one growth or two, I'm happy. I will let you know for sure when they're back for good.

My Daily Radiation Treatment Routine

My radiation therapy is going well so far. It is now Day 8 out of 20 or 21 treatments. The actual treatment time lasts between 3 to 8 minutes. The longer I get it, the easier it is, I think. The radiation technicians told me people receiving radiation tends to relax as the days go by.

On average I am in and out of the hospital 15 minutes tops. Once I arrive at the hospital I check in at the Radiation Clinic and the receptionist nurse already know who I am by now. This afternoon I didn't even say anything and the nurse said, "I've signed you in Stephanie".

A hospital volunteer will then verify my appointment time and a bit of pep talk, give me two hospital gowns and takes me to the radiation treatment (RT) waiting area. I am usually assigned to RT Unit Number 3 (RT3) where all the "Star Trek-y" machines are. Every Wednesday the volunteer provides my schedule for the following week.

Two Radiation Technicians assists and welcomes me in the unit everyday. They're all nice but I do not recall most of their names since they do rotations. Once in RT3, I lie down, they mark my tattoos, position me until they're satisfied and then treatment starts. Like I said before during each treatment I pray and before I know it, it is all over.

Every Tuesday after the radiation, I get to see Dr. W (or whoever is on call) to check on the progess of my treatment. This week Dr. W said everything's A-OK and my skin looks really good.

Yesterday, they did something new. The technicians wanted to take measurements and use a new equipment that will help them in the latter part of my treatment. The treatment currently covers the whole right breast. For the last four treatments, radiation will focus only where the tumor was located using the incision from the surgery as their guide. This is where the cone-shaped equipment comes in. It is supposed to be placed less than an inch from my breast, almost touching it. They've been trying to do it since yesterday and they can't quite get it yet. We are doing it again tomorrow. One of the technicians said precision is key and they wanted to be a 100% precise. Fine by me.

Driving to and from the hospital takes longer than my treatments but that was expected. A couple of times all the radiation machines were down and that meant longer waiting times. They told us this happens once in a blue moon. It has happened twice in two weeks since I started. Oh well. At least my treatments are on schedule.

So that's how it is for me everyday for the whole month of June. Boring isn't it?

A Test

Let's see if you can figure this out. I'll give you a few minutes to think about it. No cheating ;)

What is the letter in the alphabet which comes before the letter coming after the fourth consonant in the word "metamorphosis"?

....
....
....
....
....
....

Let's see if you answered correctly:

Was your answer the letter "R"?
....
....
Then your answer is wrong.


Was your answer the letter "P"?
....
....
Then your answer is wrong.


Was your answer the letter "O"?
....
....
Then your answer is CORRECT!!! :)

Reasons:
The consonants in the word metamorphosis are: M, T, M, R
The letter after the fourth consonant is: P
The letter in the alphabet which comes before the letter after the fourth consonant is "O".

Did you get it right? This was a test or an exercise given to us at the brain fog workshop I'm attending. Thanks to Heather, our teacher and who specializes in cognitive rehabilitation, for letting me share this test with you.

So what do you think about the test? Was it too easy for you? Did you find the question confusing or a brain twister? If you were confused or had a hard time figuring out the question, then this will give you a pretty good idea what it feels like to have chemo brain or brain fog. The question above is quite simple but how it was worded and phrased made it tricky to an average person, moreso to cancer patients. This is what most cancer patients or survivors "suffer" or "experience" almost on a regular basis when we are on, or have finished, chemotherapy, and that is chemo brain or brain fog.

A simple task can be confusing, daunting or overwhelming at times for cancer patients (during or after treatment) or for cancer survivors. Sometimes we have to take a step back, think, re-think, consider, re-consider tasks, words or facts/figures post upon us or stuff we have to say or do. It could be writing a simple email where you thought you typed in the word but when you read the email again, the word(s) is(are) not there. Or trying to come up with a simple word in a regular conversation that for the life of you can't figure out what that word is at that moment.

It can be frustrating, annoying, depressing and sometimes you don't feel like your old self. You feel inadequate, useless and sometimes dumb. But this brain fog is one of the side effects of chemo. It has not been medically proven that it is linked or caused by chemotherapy but a lot of cancer patients experience brain fog or temporary memory loss.

But there is hope, the workshop I signed up for said that it will last 2-5 years and with a lot of work, patience and improving your memory skills, our brain will be back to normal. :) What a relief!

Anyway, I just wanted to share this test so that you will know what I'm going through right now. I hope it is an eye opener. I hope that you will be more understanding when the time comes I talk to you and I'm at a loss for words. I hope you will understand when I send you an email or a comment and it is out of context and doesn't make sense.

(PS - I was the only one in our class who had the correct answer. I was quite proud of myself!)

Beam me up, Scottie!

So it finally happened, after calling the hospital, they were able to squeeze me in this afternoon, I had my first radiation treatment at 3:30! :)

I must admit it felt like I had butterflies in my tummy on the way to the hospital and was a bit nervous. Quite different from the relaxed state I was in this morning.

The radiation technician called me and they asked me to change first and was brought to Unit #3 at the Radiation Clinic. When I entered the room, it looked very modern and very high tech. Music was playing in the background. The radiation beam looked like one end of a telephone or like the big circle in a flashlight.

Two radiation technicians were in the room. They asked me to lie down on the machine. It looked very cold. A green laser-like light was over me and was used to help me position properly. One checked the tattoos I had and yelled measurements to the other who validated the figures in their computer and kept saying "perfect". They also explained to me what will happen, what machines will be moving and to yell or stop the treatment if I needed anything. After the measurement and positioning were done (approximately 5-10 minutes), the radiation treatment started.

I almost said, "beam me up Scottie!" or at least that's what it felt like. It was a bit daunting because the radiation machines were moving and right over my face. I closed my eyes, prayed and before I knew it, it was over. It took less than 10 minutes and it was painless. It was like having a chest x-ray and the only difference is I was lying down.

I didn't feel anything right after the treatment. I was told the side effects will kick in after two weeks of treatment. What was a bit unsual was I felt a little nauseous on our way home. I opened the car windows and chewed a gum and the slight nausea disappeared.

One radiation down, 19 more to go.

What a Bummer!

Radiation Day! Traffic was good and we arrived at the hospital 10 minutes before 9:00 a.m. Mark said I didn't even look nervous. I wasn't. I was actually looking forward to it.

While waiting for them to call me, I heard a volunteer said all radiation machines are broken. Every single one at the hospital. What are the odds that could happen? I was hoping she was wrong.

We waited until we met a radiation technician named Dennis to give us a quick radiation education. I had a few questions and that education session ended in like 5-10 minutes. Then we were told to go back to reception and wait. About 15 minutes later, my radiation technician approached me and said all their machines were broken and do not know when it will be up and running again. The network was down. Either we wait until it is fixed; call back this afternoon just in case it does get fixed; or, go back tomorrow. What?!?!?!

I psyched myself it will happen today. My first radiation. I guess some things are beyond our control but what a bummer! I'll try to call the hospital after lunch and hopefully book an appointment this afternoon. It's like prolonging the agony. I just want it over and done with.

The Home Stretch

Well folks, tomorrow is THE day that I start my radiation, almost at the home stretch of my treatments. :) It will be the start of my daily treatments (Mondays to Fridays) for four straight weeks. My first one will be tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. Twenty (or 21) treatments in all.

I'm going to face this challenge with an open mind. I'm relaxed and not as scared as I was with chemo. Like with all treatments, each person might react differently to radiation. Some said they were completely fine with it and got to carry on with their lives. Others said fatigue was too much. So we will see how it will "hit me".

Honestly, I am still feeling some side effects from my last chemo. My calves are still achy and swollen. Half of my fingernails/toenails are discoloured. And I still get very tired easily. I can't wait until the chemo is completely out of my system.

I am still praying that the cancer has not spread to any parts of my body. No tests have been done yet if chemo did its job of getting rid of the cancer or not. I don't know when will it be. Hopefully Dr. K will shed some light on this when we see him on June 18th.

Meditation

Today I attended a workshop about stress reduction. Initially I thought it would be like a class that would identify the factors, causes, effects of stress but actually it taught us how to meditate. I've never done meditation before and I wasn't quite sure how and what to expect from the class. I've always been skeptical about it and thought meditation wasn't my cup of tea. But I decided to keep an open mind because I want to do anything that will help me with my stress.

The instructor showed four simple meditation techniques that would help us cope with stress. Although I did find it hard to concentrate at times, I was surprised that it was quite relaxing and calming. He gave us a handout that will guide us how to meditate. I also bought a CD on meditation for beginners. :)

He said some of us might find it hard to include meditation in our daily lives but according to him it has been proven that it takes 21 days to build a habit. He said the best time to meditate is first thing in the morning and it will help set our day. He said we should try this approach. We'll see...

But what struck me most was what he told us: "right now, we are all a sum total of our past experiences". This is so simple and yet so true. Everything we've done in the past makes us who we are today. His suggestion was we should do something today that would define who we are in the future. The more positive, the better. This might hold true for cancer patients like me, thinking positive or having a positive outlook in life will greatly affect how our body will respond or react to this disease. Hopefully it will help me beat the big C.

Maybe meditation is exactly what I need.

Familiar Faces in Familiar Places

Seeing familiar faces in familiar places is always a treat. It's true in my case since I've started my treatments. It is like a much needed break from the cancer world I live in these days.

Over the weekend we went to Niagara Falls, New York for a small family reunion. Everyone was excited about the trip. Jason and Josh were ecstatic we stayed overnight in a hotel (cheap thrills eh?) and they were happy to see their cousins from New Jersey. We also saw my cousin, Ivy, whom I have not seen in 12 years! Ivy and my aunt are visiting from the Philippines. I miss them and I'm glad I saw them again. A big plus and to my surprise, one of my closest girlfriends, Lin, also came with her family from Maryland. Lin said she wouldn't miss it for the world and she wanted to surprise me. She did! It was so good to see familiar faces again.

We toured the area around Niagara Falls and even went to the Caves of the Mist. But I didn't care much about the tourist spots in Niagara Falls, I was just happy to be with my family and closest friends that weekend. I had a feeling of contentment inside me when we were together and that was enough for me. :)

I saw more familiar faces yesterday. I had lunch with some close friends from work. I haven't seen some of them since I started chemo. We had a lot of good laughs, something that I need these days. It was a simple luncheon but had a fabulous time with my fabulous friends.

Afterwards I popped by at the office to drop off something and to see my co-workers. It's been awhile since I saw them. They filled me in on what's new at work. New faces, lots of changes! I also found out that my team's workload is over the top. Yikes! I do miss my co-workers but not my workload ;) (Right Ava?) hee, hee...

A break from my treatments and boredom is what I need every now and then. It could be a lunch date here or a trip there or anywhere with familiar faces in familiar (or new) places. It does the trick all the time, it keeps me sane. :)

all's well that ends well

My legs and feet have been swollen since yesterday, and today so are my toes (just a wee bit). I paged the oncology nurse and told her about my condition. According to her the FEC/T (my chemo protocol) should not make my feet/legs swell so she told me to either go to emergency or see my family doctor right away. Whaaaaaaaaaat?!?!? As soon as she said emergency I got nervous. Memories of my last visit to the ER flashed before my eyes so I chose the latter (see Dr. C).

Luckily Dr. C had a spot but I had to go there ASAP. I did, and on the way I prayed really hard that the swelling was of no concern. Dr. C said the swelling could still be a side effect of my chemo since it is still in my body (yes, after three weeks it still is!). Another possibility was heat and humidity which we experienced yesterday in our city.

Dr. C checked my legs and feet. She thought it was only one leg/one foot but when I said it was both, she immediately called the hospital for an emergency ultrasound. Dr. C said that ordering an ultrasound might be an overkill but she wanted to air on the side of caution. She said that it was normal for one leg or one foot to swell but not both. Dr. C explained that in certain cases swelling might mean there's a blood clot that could travel to my lungs and can be fatal. And the chances of this happening is 1 in 1,000. My heart skipped a beat! Dr. C said it is probably nothing but she wanted to make sure it wasn't fatal. So what's next? Dr. C said if the results are normal, the hospital staff will ask me to go home, otherwise I will have to be admitted to the hospital and the doctors will give me blood thinners to cure the swelling. My mind was spinning with the info she told me and I started to panic.

Dr. C then checked my blood pressure, I said it probably wasn't a good time to do it after what she told me. Hearing the words "fatal" and "hospital" would probably make anyone's blood pressure go up! Duh!

So off I went to the hospital. I prayed hard to have normal results. I waited about an hour before a male technician called me. After about half an hour of poking and scanning my legs, my prayers worked! Thank God! The technician told me to go home because the results are NORMAL! Woohoo!!!!! I was SO relieved! It felt like a big weight was taken off my chest.

This unexpected event certainly made up for what was supposed to be a boring afternoon. But all's well that ends well! ;)

R-T-Tattoo

Sounds like R2-D2 from Star Wars isn't it? ;) hee hee.... My version is: Radiation Therapy (RT) Tattoo.

At 11:00 a.m. today I went to CVH for a CAT Scan Simulation (CT SIM) and markings of the four freckle size tattoos. The RT brochure they gave me said the CT SIM appointment will take one to three hours. So I went there armed with a book, brochures, a water bottle and anything that will keep me occupied for that amount of waiting time. But my appointment didn't even last an hour from start to finish and that included seeing the oncologist on call.

I went to the hospital with mixed feelings and unsure what to expect. When they called my name, a radiation therapist interviewed me to make sure all the information they have are correct. The lady graciously answered any questions I had prior to the simulation. She took a picture of me for records purposes only and I had to fill up a form if I'm experiencing pain or stress, the lady told me I have to do this prior to each visit.

Then came the CAT scan. It wasn't for diagnostic purposes but merely for measuring the breast. They asked me to lie on the scanner bed with my right arm placed on a special contraption over my head. I wasn't allowed to move and was requested to breathe normally. Before entering the scanner, one of the technicians placed some sort of sticker around my right breast that will help in the scanning. Once that was done, they "wheeled" me in the scanner, it moved in and out a few times. Afterwards, the male technician used a ruler and yelled over the measurements to another technician. The terms were too technical for me and the only thing I understood was "the others are standard". I'll take that to mean, the size of the breast is normal. I think.

The markings of the tattoo came next. I saw the needle and I got nervous. Since I couldn't move the only reaction I could do was to make a cross-eyed, tongue sticking out look. ;) The technicians giggled and assured me it won't hurt. It didn't. Getting blood samples from me was worse than than the tattooing. It felt like the tattoo process took less than a couple of minutes and before I knew it I was done. Whew! :)

The technicians asked if I want to see a doctor, they said I don't have to but if I had any questions, it shouldn't be a problem. So I went to the doctor's clinic. I told the oncologist on call that I've been feeling pain below my right breast whenever I try to reach anything over my head for a couple of weeks now. He said it is normal and is connected to the scar tissue where the lumpectomy was. I also complained about the swelling of my legs and feet, he told me to go see my family doctor and it had nothing to do with radiation. Hmm... I wasn't satisfied with his answer. I think it's still related to my last chemo and I will call the oncology nurse tomorrow.

Anyway, that was the CT SIM appointment, painless and stress-free. So I barely have two weeks left before my radiation therapy starts June 2nd at 9:00 a.m. Wish me luck!

Crossing the Finish Line

Crossing the finish line in a marathon or a racing event usually means feeling elated, beaming with pride and a prize awaits you - a medal, a trophy, or cash whether you are the grand prize winner, a runner-up or by simply having a sense of accomplishment that you did it.

In my case, it was my chemo. I feel like a sprinter that just finished six long and high hurdles which were my chemo. It was a very tough five-month race and I've crossed the finish line. The chemo's over and the worst of the pains are gone. So why don't I feel any sense of relief? Why am I not happy?

Back in January before my treatment started, all I could think of was May 4th, the last chemo. That day could not come fast enough. It was my goal. It was my finish line. Now that it came it was uneventful. I still feel the same as I did in January - unsure and scared.

Our neighbour raised a good point yesterday, she said part of the reason might be because Dr. K shrugged me off when I asked him how will I know the chemo did its job and the cancer has not spread. Dr. K rudely (from my point of view at least) told me: "you won't know if it works or not". Talk about getting assurance from your doctor...not! (Dr. K's really getting on my nerves!!!) Anyway my neighbour said it is the fact that I don't know what's going to happen next and she thinks maybe the sense of relief will come when Dr. K says (hopefully and I'm praying!) the cancer is gone or has not spread. Possible.

I talked to a peer counsellor the other day and raised the same issue. She said what I'm feeling is normal and the sense of relief will come in due time. I was told most cancer patients feel the same way after chemo. That wasn't much help but I'm just glad I talked to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through and what I'm feeling is not unusual.

Anyway instead of wallowing when that feeling of happiness or relief will come, I'm concentrating on getting well, besides, I have to psych myself for radiation. I have roughly three weeks before it starts, I will need all the rest and relaxation I can get because it will be another race I have to do, another hurdle I have to endure, and another finish line I have to cross.

My Achy, Breaky Body

As expected the aches and pains came back in full force. I had my chemo Monday and they made "their" presence felt by Wednesday. It's Sunday and I can still feel the pain. It hurts so bad but all I can think of is that it's the last time I'll experience this type of pain (I hope). I have to hang on to something to keep me sane.

The pains came with the usual side effects: heartburn, mouth sore (including my swollen white tongue), irritability, emotional angst, hot flushes, mild pains from armpit where the lymph nodes where taken, slight lymphedema and a few more. Dr. S gave me new meds but I'm not sure if it was that helpful. It was supposed to relieve the pain but just like Tylenol 3 and Percocet, it didn't work.

When will it completely go away? The pains from my surgery will be around for some time. But the chemo pain and the emotional rollercoaster ride? I hope sooner than expected because I can't handle it anymore.

And I'm done!....

Well at least for the chemo part anyway. :) Today was my last chemo session. Thank God! I survived, but wait, I still have to endure the aches and pains that will be knocking at my door in a day or two. So I cannot celebrate yet. But hopefully by this time next week I will be A-okay!

The chemo session was alright I guess. I was in a good mood, even took pictures of the "hot seat" from each chemo session, for souvenir purposes I guess if you can call it that. It was also my way of showing you what happens each session (first picture). The other two pictures below kept me sane through the ordeal... my hubby and Ellen DeGeneres... So here they are...






What's next? We're meeting Dr. K on June 18 to discuss what's next. I asked the oncology nurse what happens after the chemo, she mentioned Dr. K will order a CT scan to see what's going on inside me. HOPEFULLY, good news. But I can't think of that right now. I still have to worry about my unwanted guests in the days to come: Mr. Nasty Aches, Mrs. Agonizing Pains and their terrible kids: Brother Headache, Sister Heartburn and Baby Connie (constipation). Hopefully my pals, Tylenol and Percocet, will help me. I hope! ;)

I know, I know, take it one day at a time.... and I am.

Finally!!!

Everything is all set for my last chemo, blood results are normal and I was given the thumbs up by Dr. S to proceed with the chemo next week. I questioned why I had the blood work done today since my chemo is Tuesday. Dr. S was surprised it was booked that way and he rescheduled my chemo for Monday. I'm glad he did. The sooner the better after all this will be my LAST chemo. :D

Dr. S wrote a prescription for a new pain medication. He said it is a new medicine and better than Percocet. So I'll try it out next week.

I complained about the current pains I'm experiencing - joint pains from my waist down and my right armpit. He said these are all normal - the joint pains because of Neulasta (more like Nasty-lasta) and the pain in my armpit is normal and may last a few years. Hmmm....

Anyway, I can't wait for Monday, my last chemo is finally here. I'm close to the finish line. :)

Time for an Update!

Well I've been feeling like crap lately and haven't been in the mood to write or do anything. That's why I've been neglecting this blog. But everyone's asking how I am so here's an update of what I've been up to lately.

As I've said in a previous post, the chemo has taken a toll on me, moreso emotionally. I don't know if it is a combination of the early menopause side effect (where my hormones are going haywire and my mood swings insane) or the depression of having cancer (chemo being on top of the list, baldness coming close on second, and the "why me" dilemma lingering on my brain lately). My doctors said these are normal and they said I'm allowed to have bad days. It's only natural they said. However they didn't tell me how bad it would be. Crappy, crappy, crappy!

Sometimes I wish I have a magic button, where I can just press it and voila, my anxieties, depression, problems, stress and illness will all go away. But that's fantasy. The reality is I'm all that and maybe more. =( I pray hard everyday for God to give me strength and so far He's been giving me just that. Taking it one day at a time is definitely what I'm doing. Some days are tougher than others but so far He has not let me down. =)

But hey, I only have one chemo left. I can see the finish line! I'm sure Mr. Chemo will not go without a big bang so I'm not looking forward to the pain I'll be experiencing again next week. So celebrating Mother's Day is up in the air right now. Mr. Chemo definitely knows how to spoil my fun.

I also signed up for an eight-week seminar or workshop called "Chemo Brain". It's every Monday. After attending only two sessions, I am really surprised that the medical specialist hit every symptoms all the participants (cancer patients) have bang on. We're not allowed to discuss anything outside of the course but from my experience, the doctor hit the nail on the head with my symptoms - memory loss, uncoordinated thoughts, etc. I'm glad I signed up for this course. It will help with my treatments and healing process.

We met my radiation oncologist on Monday, signed the consent form to proceed with the treatment and scheduled a CT scan and the tattoo for May 21st. Dr. W's guesstimate is that treatment will start on June 2nd and I'll have 20 treatments instead of 21. Yey, minus one treatment!!! If it does, my radiation ends June 29.

Dr. W examined me as usual and he said my sutures are healing well plus the size of the scar tissue decreasing. However he also noticed that I have slight lymphedema on my right arm. I didn't even know I had it until he examined me. But that probably explains why my right arm has been feeling weird lately. Dr. W suggested I should elevate my right arm while sleeping or resting. He's not recommending therapy yet but if it worsens, he will. We'll try Dr. W's suggestion first and see how it goes.

So what to look "forward" to with the radiation treatment? Of the 20 radiations, 16 will focus on the whole right breast and four (or maybe five) will focus where the tumor was located. There will be no bloodworks done (woohoo!). No nausea or vomitting. The main and most common side effect is fatigue. Dr. W said it won't be much different with the fatigue I'm experiencing with chemo. We'll see about that! The chronic side effects are: skin discolouration, fibrosis or hardening of the affected area, possible swelling, might have blisters or skin reactions. It will be more of a discomfort than anything. After meeting Dr. W, the nurse gave us a pep talk about the do's and dont's during radiation.

Along with radiation, I think my hormonal therapy will start as well. Dr. K is in charge of that but I think these are just oral medications that I have to take for FIVE years!!! Dr. K said it will start a month after my last chemo, so roughly around the same time as radiation.

I'm having my bloodwork done and meeting Dr. K tomorrow. Hopefully he will give his thumbs up for the last chemo next week. One more chemo!!!!