Five more weeks to go before I go back to work...
I'm kind of having some anxieties about it. Mixed feelings. I'm excited because it will be another closure for me, another chapter of my life almost done. A sense of normalcy that I've been yearning for. Like Dr. K told me "you need your life back". True.
I'm a little scared too. Me? Scared of work? Yup, that's true. It's hard to explain how I feel. I've been looking forward to going back to my normal life, like going back to work. Since I've been diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent aggressive treatments, things have been different - my outlook and priorities in life, my values, me(!), it's a whole new ballgame. The normal life I had pre-cancer is not the same as the "new normal" after the treatments. I read that this is not unusual for cancer patients/survivors. Several questions are going through my mind every so often. Will I be able to pick up where I left off at work before my treatments? I may not look or feel sick but can my body handle the daily demands of my work? Can I handle the stress at work? Will my mind be as sharp (I think) as before? With brain fog, this is a little bit scary for me.
So many uncertainties (sigh) I guess I'll have to figure these out once I go back to work. I've been psyching myself about it for a couple of weeks now. And when the time comes I sure hope that I will be ready for it, physically, emotionally and mentally. I'll keep you posted.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
In the News
"Tamoxifen linked to risk of aggressive cancer" (Toronto Star, Living Section, August 26, 2009)
Well isn't that reassuring! There I was drinking my morning coffee, reading the newspaper and I saw this article.
I got nervous and couldn't believe what was in the article where it states: "A new study suggests long-term use of tamoxifen is linked to increased risk of developing an aggressive type of cancer". If you read the article the risk happens if you take Tamoxifen for five years or more, "reduced the more common type of breast cancer by 60 per cent, it also increased the risk of a more aggressive subtype of disease by more than 400 per cent". Yikes! My blood pressure certainly went up a couple of notches. What the heck?
But wait, there's a sub-headline that said: "Experts say benefits outweigh risks, however" Okay, that sounds better.
It also said use of Tamoxifen also comes with the risk of stroke. Well that's contrary to what Dr. K told me it will "lower the risk" of stroke or heart attack. Who's telling the truth now? I'm confused. I can imagine what Dr. K will say when I mention this article to him, not to believe it. :-/
On second thought this article might not affect me because Dr. K said he will change my medication after a couple of years of Tamoxifen for a newer type of medicine.
This is one of the reasons why I do not like reading newspapers because every time I read a news like this, it rattles my nerves and my worry wort persona comes out.
Well isn't that reassuring! There I was drinking my morning coffee, reading the newspaper and I saw this article.
I got nervous and couldn't believe what was in the article where it states: "A new study suggests long-term use of tamoxifen is linked to increased risk of developing an aggressive type of cancer". If you read the article the risk happens if you take Tamoxifen for five years or more, "reduced the more common type of breast cancer by 60 per cent, it also increased the risk of a more aggressive subtype of disease by more than 400 per cent". Yikes! My blood pressure certainly went up a couple of notches. What the heck?
But wait, there's a sub-headline that said: "Experts say benefits outweigh risks, however" Okay, that sounds better.
It also said use of Tamoxifen also comes with the risk of stroke. Well that's contrary to what Dr. K told me it will "lower the risk" of stroke or heart attack. Who's telling the truth now? I'm confused. I can imagine what Dr. K will say when I mention this article to him, not to believe it. :-/
On second thought this article might not affect me because Dr. K said he will change my medication after a couple of years of Tamoxifen for a newer type of medicine.
This is one of the reasons why I do not like reading newspapers because every time I read a news like this, it rattles my nerves and my worry wort persona comes out.
Monday, August 24, 2009
The Countdown Begins....
Exactly six weeks from today I will go back to work. I've marked my calendar, October 5th it will be, so let the countdown begin.
I confirmed the date with our insurance representative last week and also received a letter today from my rep confirming the return to work plan we discussed. There's no turning back now. ;)
The doctor's order is to go back to work October 1st, but it's on a Thursday so she recommended that I start October 5th instead. The insurance company has a return-to-work plan for all employees on long term disability, more like modified work hours to gradually ease us back into the workforce. In my case, the first week will be four hours a day, then five on the second and six on the third. By the fourth week, I am expected to work full time starting on October 26th. My long term disability benefits end October 25th.
Gotta start dusting those work clothes and shoes soon.
I confirmed the date with our insurance representative last week and also received a letter today from my rep confirming the return to work plan we discussed. There's no turning back now. ;)
The doctor's order is to go back to work October 1st, but it's on a Thursday so she recommended that I start October 5th instead. The insurance company has a return-to-work plan for all employees on long term disability, more like modified work hours to gradually ease us back into the workforce. In my case, the first week will be four hours a day, then five on the second and six on the third. By the fourth week, I am expected to work full time starting on October 26th. My long term disability benefits end October 25th.
Gotta start dusting those work clothes and shoes soon.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Heaven on Earth
Last week was a fun-filled vacation week. We rented a cottage and spent the whole week with my in-laws and family friends.
We couldn't have asked for more. The cottage was literally a few steps away from the lake. Going to sleep and waking up in the morning with the sound of the waves/water was divine. Sitting on the deck and watching boats go by was relaxing. The weather was perfect. All the kids had a ball. What a gorgeous way to spend the week.
It was also a nice break from the hustle and bustle of city living. We didn't hear any police or firetruck sirens, it was the least amount of noise pollution you could ask for. No traffic. It was situated in a quaint little town surrounded by farms and wineries where people are very friendly. Everyone was smiling, saying hi to you or opening doors for you. So friendly that I couldn't believe when a complete stranger waited on my mother-in-law at a grocery store parking lot and closed the car door for her. A rarity these days. ;)
Everyone had a fantastic time. Nobody kept track of the time just letting the days go by without any worries. There was so many fun things to do - swimming in the lake, jet skiing (my personal favorite), tubing, boat riding, basketball, horseshoes, yahtzee, card games, volleyball, etcetera. Our kids wants to live there. To top it off, the kids didn't even watch TV for a week!!! If you know our kids, that was a big feat.
It was the vacation everyone needed. An escape from our stressful lives. Personally I think we had a slice of heaven on earth even for only a week. :)
We couldn't have asked for more. The cottage was literally a few steps away from the lake. Going to sleep and waking up in the morning with the sound of the waves/water was divine. Sitting on the deck and watching boats go by was relaxing. The weather was perfect. All the kids had a ball. What a gorgeous way to spend the week.
It was also a nice break from the hustle and bustle of city living. We didn't hear any police or firetruck sirens, it was the least amount of noise pollution you could ask for. No traffic. It was situated in a quaint little town surrounded by farms and wineries where people are very friendly. Everyone was smiling, saying hi to you or opening doors for you. So friendly that I couldn't believe when a complete stranger waited on my mother-in-law at a grocery store parking lot and closed the car door for her. A rarity these days. ;)
Everyone had a fantastic time. Nobody kept track of the time just letting the days go by without any worries. There was so many fun things to do - swimming in the lake, jet skiing (my personal favorite), tubing, boat riding, basketball, horseshoes, yahtzee, card games, volleyball, etcetera. Our kids wants to live there. To top it off, the kids didn't even watch TV for a week!!! If you know our kids, that was a big feat.
It was the vacation everyone needed. An escape from our stressful lives. Personally I think we had a slice of heaven on earth even for only a week. :)
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Busy Bee
It's been 10 days since my last post. I've been a busy bee entertaining and spending quality time with family. :)
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Milestones
Well what do you know it's been eight months since I had the lumpectomy (surgery). I didn't even realize it's been that long until Mark mentioned it to me tonight. Wow! Now the whole experience feels like a blur. It was eight tough months but I survived! :)
While I'm at it, I might as well lay it on the table. It has been...
...10 months since I found the lump
...9 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer
...8 months since the lumpectomy
...7 months when the poison first entered my body and wreaked havoc for over 4 months (chemotherapy)
...3 months since my last torture of chemo
...1 month or so after my radiation, and finally
...1 1/2 is the number of boobs I have ;) LOL :D hahahahahahahahahaha...
Time flies.
While I'm at it, I might as well lay it on the table. It has been...
...10 months since I found the lump
...9 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer
...8 months since the lumpectomy
...7 months when the poison first entered my body and wreaked havoc for over 4 months (chemotherapy)
...3 months since my last torture of chemo
...1 month or so after my radiation, and finally
...1 1/2 is the number of boobs I have ;) LOL :D hahahahahahahahahaha...
Time flies.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Yuck!
My nails look like the Sahara desert, extremely dry, coarse and wavy. They look disgusting. The right index and middle fingers are the worst. They look as if the skin is separating from the nail.
My almost bald head and my nails are the only reminders left from my chemo. I can't wait until they're back to normal.
My almost bald head and my nails are the only reminders left from my chemo. I can't wait until they're back to normal.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Paranoia
I think I am getting paranoid with every ache, bump or pain I feel since I had cancer. Is a new bump a lump/tumor? Is a pain a sign of another major illness?
When I hear or read stories about people having skin cancer (it was in the news this week) or if a breast cancer survivor develops something new like pancreatic or ovarian cancer, my anxiety level goes up. My worrywort persona prevails. Are my moles cancerous? Should I see a specialist? Should I get an ultrasound to check if my internal organs are normal or not. My mind goes crazy just thinking about it. I should probably talk to a peer counsellor coz it's driving me nuts.
It's hard to explain how I feel but it's an uneasy one. If you haven't been a cancer patient like me you will never understand how I feel. You can call me crazy or paranoid but that's how it is. But Nurse Betty (I'll call her that since I forgot her name) told me most cancer patients think every aches or pains we feel after our diagnosis might be something serious. She said this feeling of paranoia will be hanging on my shoulder for a little while and my reactions are not unusual.
It's a crazy feeling and I hope you will never feel it.
When I hear or read stories about people having skin cancer (it was in the news this week) or if a breast cancer survivor develops something new like pancreatic or ovarian cancer, my anxiety level goes up. My worrywort persona prevails. Are my moles cancerous? Should I see a specialist? Should I get an ultrasound to check if my internal organs are normal or not. My mind goes crazy just thinking about it. I should probably talk to a peer counsellor coz it's driving me nuts.
It's hard to explain how I feel but it's an uneasy one. If you haven't been a cancer patient like me you will never understand how I feel. You can call me crazy or paranoid but that's how it is. But Nurse Betty (I'll call her that since I forgot her name) told me most cancer patients think every aches or pains we feel after our diagnosis might be something serious. She said this feeling of paranoia will be hanging on my shoulder for a little while and my reactions are not unusual.
It's a crazy feeling and I hope you will never feel it.
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