First I had breast cancer on the right breast, second I have tumor on my palate (polymorphous low grade adenocarcinoma or PLGA) and now I have a cyst on my left breast. I cannot take it anymore!
Today we saw Dr. K for my annual check-up usually two weeks after the regular mammogram. Everything was going well. The mammogram was clear. He asked how things are with me, about my general health and how I am coping. I said it is overwhelming what's been happening to me lately but trying to stay positive. I also updated him about the PLGA and the pain on my left breast plus the breast ultrasound I had. I mentioned that I have not heard anything from Dr. C so I was wondering if he knew what the results were. He checked my file and what do you know, the results indicated I have a cyst. I was not expecting that, I was shocked. Probably moreso why Dr. C never called me about the results (she is normally good at it).
I could not believe what I was hearing. How much more can I take? Dr. K tried to come my nerves, he said it is benign and the radiologist suggested that I get follow-up ultrasounds every 3-6 months because I had breast cancer. It was a bit weird that the cyst was not captured in the mammo. Anyway, Dr. K said there is nothing to worry about. However to air on the side of caution, Dr. K suggested that I see Dr. P, my surgeon, to know what should be done with it. Dr. K and Dr. C were not able to feel the cyst, hopefully Dr. P can. Dr. K said that the next steps will be dependent on Dr. P's findings. Dr. K will send a referral letter to Dr. P explaining everything.
So my world is shattered, yet again, for the THIRD friggin' time. WTF! Strangely, I did not cry when I got the news. It could be that I could not believe my "luck" or it could be that I've become numbed with all that has been happening to me.
When I got back to work, Mark texted me to call Dr. C coz she wanted to talk or see me. I called her clinic to see what's happening and to book an appointment. The next thing I knew Dr. C was talking to me. She was very apologetic that she didn't call me right away, she just got a copy of the results of the ultrasound and wondered if I have talked to anyone about it. I said Dr. K told me everything and what his advice was. Dr. C agreed with Dr. K that I see Dr. P. Since I had her on the line I also updated her about the PLGA. Her comment was "Isn't that great? It is back to back good news for you. A benign cyst and clear results from the CT scan/MRI." I'm like, sure, whatever. I asked her a few times if I should be concerned about it, maybe to reassure myself it will be ok. She assured me and I should not worry about it.
So here we go again. Hearing the same shit, experiencing the same crap and heading up to a stressful phase. I am at my wit's end with all these health issues happening to me.
But what can I do, like I've always said, everything happens for a reason. God has plans for me. Whatever they may be, only He knows. For now all I can do is pray. Pray for strength, pray for guidance and pray for the best. Three things I'm asking for, after all, they say it comes in threes, right?
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The results are in!
The minutes leading up to my appointment was nerve wracking. I was sitting in a dental chair and I could here the residents talking about my case. Resident lady explained to the chief resident the history, the biopsy, CT scan and MRI results. They were talking right outside the room I was at! I told Mark, he listened, and the discussion was very technical. I covered my ears and did not want to hear it. My heart was pounding.
Resident lady finally came and asked how I was. I said well, it all depends on what she would tell us. She gave me a weird look and said "well the thing is Dr. C2 is not here today". I was like "what?!?!" Resident lady made a mistake of booking me on a day Dr. C2 was away. Great. However, she did tell us the results of the CT scan and MRI, there was no "involvement" in the bones or any part of my head/neck. In english, it did not affect my bones. I took a deep breath and gave a big sigh of relief! Whew!!!! I was so relieved that tears started, but they were tears of joy!!!! It was like a big weight was lifted off my chest.
Resident lady said I had the best tests there is in the country that would help the medical team decide what surgery to do. And the results show it was negative. She did point out that it could still be totally different when they do the surgery. After they remove the tumor they have to do more tests to check any margin exists. But based from the two tests, it looks like it will be ok.
The chief resident decided not to see me because he thinks that it is best that Dr. C2 meet with us and discuss the surgery the way the specialist plans to do it, rather than the chief resident giving us the wrong information. Makes sense. That will be another three weeks before we meet Dr. C2. That's alright because for now I am doing the happy dance and suddenly my world looks brighter again.
Thank you God for your generosity and in answering my/our prayers. God is great! :)
Resident lady finally came and asked how I was. I said well, it all depends on what she would tell us. She gave me a weird look and said "well the thing is Dr. C2 is not here today". I was like "what?!?!" Resident lady made a mistake of booking me on a day Dr. C2 was away. Great. However, she did tell us the results of the CT scan and MRI, there was no "involvement" in the bones or any part of my head/neck. In english, it did not affect my bones. I took a deep breath and gave a big sigh of relief! Whew!!!! I was so relieved that tears started, but they were tears of joy!!!! It was like a big weight was lifted off my chest.
Resident lady said I had the best tests there is in the country that would help the medical team decide what surgery to do. And the results show it was negative. She did point out that it could still be totally different when they do the surgery. After they remove the tumor they have to do more tests to check any margin exists. But based from the two tests, it looks like it will be ok.
The chief resident decided not to see me because he thinks that it is best that Dr. C2 meet with us and discuss the surgery the way the specialist plans to do it, rather than the chief resident giving us the wrong information. Makes sense. That will be another three weeks before we meet Dr. C2. That's alright because for now I am doing the happy dance and suddenly my world looks brighter again.
Thank you God for your generosity and in answering my/our prayers. God is great! :)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
MRI
I had the MRI yesterday. I was really anxious before my appointment. I didn't know what to expect. I was nervous. It was my first time to have an MRI. I was more anxious about going into the machine than I was about the procedure. I'm claustrophobic. Hubby told me to relax since it is just another test. I took Ativan for sedation one hour before my appointment. Then I felt my body started to relax after 10-20 minutes. Thank goodness I did that.
Since they had to inject a radiation dye for the procedure, they had to find a vein on my left arm (again!). You know the ol' saying that goes, if at first you don't succeed, try and try again, that applies to my left arm whenever a needle has to be used. Yesterday it took two times before they found the vein on my wrist. The first one left a bad bruise on my arm, the bruise is about the size of four fingers put together.
Then it was my turn. A co-worker of mine gave me the best tip, to close my eyes before the MRI started. I did just that as soon as I lied down on the machine and didn't open them until they told me I was done. Another help was the cloth they provided me to cover my eyes, sweet! I was also given a panic button, just in case.
They hauled me in and it started. Boy, that machine was loud!!! I'm glad I had those earplugs. Funny as it may sound I was half asleep throughout the process. In fact I think I even dreamt! The sedation was awesome! I was so relaxed! You can't really go into deep sleep because of the sound and the technologists talked to me a few times to check if I'm ok and what would happen next. In the middle of the procedure, they injected the radiation dye, it didn't hurt at all. Before I knew it, it was done.
After the procedure, Dr. C3 talked to me. Since I was still sedated at that time, I was not really sure if I understood half of what he told me. If I got it right, I think Dr. C3 said that he saw the results of the CT scan and did not look like it affected the bones. Don't celebrate yet coz I might have heard the wrong thing. At that time he has yet to see the complete MRI tests. Dr. C3 also said that if Dr. C2 is not satisfied with the results, he could order more tests, although Dr. C3 doesn't think so. Dr. C3 also said that he knows what he's looking for in the MRI/CT scan results and he will advise Dr. C2 what his findings are.
So tomorrow, we will get all the results, CT scan and MRI. We're meeting Dr. C2 and discuss the surgery. I'm getting anxious again. I am so fed up when doctors tell me not to worry and that it will be nothing, because quite frankly I interpret that as something is fishy. So the anxiety begins from tonight until tomorrow morning. What lies ahead of me, will it be a news I can accept or something else? Stay tuned.
Since they had to inject a radiation dye for the procedure, they had to find a vein on my left arm (again!). You know the ol' saying that goes, if at first you don't succeed, try and try again, that applies to my left arm whenever a needle has to be used. Yesterday it took two times before they found the vein on my wrist. The first one left a bad bruise on my arm, the bruise is about the size of four fingers put together.
Then it was my turn. A co-worker of mine gave me the best tip, to close my eyes before the MRI started. I did just that as soon as I lied down on the machine and didn't open them until they told me I was done. Another help was the cloth they provided me to cover my eyes, sweet! I was also given a panic button, just in case.
They hauled me in and it started. Boy, that machine was loud!!! I'm glad I had those earplugs. Funny as it may sound I was half asleep throughout the process. In fact I think I even dreamt! The sedation was awesome! I was so relaxed! You can't really go into deep sleep because of the sound and the technologists talked to me a few times to check if I'm ok and what would happen next. In the middle of the procedure, they injected the radiation dye, it didn't hurt at all. Before I knew it, it was done.
After the procedure, Dr. C3 talked to me. Since I was still sedated at that time, I was not really sure if I understood half of what he told me. If I got it right, I think Dr. C3 said that he saw the results of the CT scan and did not look like it affected the bones. Don't celebrate yet coz I might have heard the wrong thing. At that time he has yet to see the complete MRI tests. Dr. C3 also said that if Dr. C2 is not satisfied with the results, he could order more tests, although Dr. C3 doesn't think so. Dr. C3 also said that he knows what he's looking for in the MRI/CT scan results and he will advise Dr. C2 what his findings are.
So tomorrow, we will get all the results, CT scan and MRI. We're meeting Dr. C2 and discuss the surgery. I'm getting anxious again. I am so fed up when doctors tell me not to worry and that it will be nothing, because quite frankly I interpret that as something is fishy. So the anxiety begins from tonight until tomorrow morning. What lies ahead of me, will it be a news I can accept or something else? Stay tuned.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Deja Vu
Today we went to downtown Toronto to meet the oral specialist. After filling up a lot of hospital forms and got my hospital card, the nurse told us a resident would meet with us. I immediately asked "Resident? I'm here to see Dr. C2!" After all this time I did not come to this appointment to see a resident. I need to see a specialist. Duh! So the nurse told Dr. C2 I wanted to talk to him.
Anyway, Resident lady still came, she asked all the necessary questions and my medical history. She checked everything from my neck up and the palate. Resident lady couldn't see the tumor until I showed her. She said it was so small. Well after that, Dr. C2 finally came. He pretty much said the same things as Dr. A told us, nothing really new, except maybe he gave us more details about the surgery and recovery period. Dr. C2 did confirm the tumor is non-invasive and surgery is the treatment. I asked if there is a chance of recurrence after it is removed. He said no. That is one bit of good news.
Dr. C2 also confirmed that the tumor is very rare and that it is best that the surgery/treatment be made at their hospital in downtown Toronto. They have dealt with a couple of cases in the past and are familiar with it. Would you believe my case is quite rare that another resident knocked on the door and asked if he can see it. I even managed to make a joke, "Want to see it? It's rare!". Resident dude agreed, he told us that he's seen only two cases since he started, roughly five years, both of those cases were in the States, not Canada. Geez, that's "reassuring"... not.
Dr. C2 wanted me to have a CT scan and MRI. The surgery will depend on the CT scan results. Luckily they were able to squeeze me in this afternoon at 4:00 pm for a CT scan. So we waited, had a late lunch, and went back to the hospital.
Prior to the CT scan, we met Dr. C3, he was the radiologist that specializes in the head/neck area and is familiar with the case I have. Dr. C3 explained to us that the CT scan will only be on my head/neck area and it will show the extent of the tumor, if it has affected my bones. It will determine what type of surgery Dr. C2 will perform. Dr. C3 said that he will also do an MRI (at a later date), to see if the lymph nodes, tissues and other areas have been affected. He told us that there is no need for me to worry why I need an MRI on top of the CT scan. Dr. C3 said it will help him study my case thoroughly.
I was called in for the CT scan. An x-ray or radiation dye had to be injected to help the scan. Nurse 1 tried at least three times to find a vein from my left arm, no luck. They were painful. Memories when I was hospitalized when I had chemo flashed through my mind. Nurse 2 came and tried a couple of times. She said my veins were so hard it felt like tendons and that made it hard to fine a suitable vein where the needle was inserted. Painful but bearable.
Then the scanning started. I could not move and was not allowed to swallow then the dye was released through my system. I was totally fine until the dye entered my body. It hurt and it brought back memories when I had chemo. I could not control my tears, at the same time tried not to move. It was deja vu. Same $h!t I had before. It was just too much to handle. It was done after 10 minutes or so. Nurse 2 asked if I cried because she saw the tears down my neck. I told her that it just brought back memories from the past, memories that are still fresh in my mind.
Next Thursday we'll meet with Dr. C2 to discuss the surgery. There is a two to nine months wait for the surgery. Yes that's how long it will take to do it here, blame our healthcare system. He assured me the tumor will not get any bigger because it is non invasive. We're also waiting for their call about the MRI. More waiting time but I'm hoping for the best.
Anyway, Resident lady still came, she asked all the necessary questions and my medical history. She checked everything from my neck up and the palate. Resident lady couldn't see the tumor until I showed her. She said it was so small. Well after that, Dr. C2 finally came. He pretty much said the same things as Dr. A told us, nothing really new, except maybe he gave us more details about the surgery and recovery period. Dr. C2 did confirm the tumor is non-invasive and surgery is the treatment. I asked if there is a chance of recurrence after it is removed. He said no. That is one bit of good news.
Dr. C2 also confirmed that the tumor is very rare and that it is best that the surgery/treatment be made at their hospital in downtown Toronto. They have dealt with a couple of cases in the past and are familiar with it. Would you believe my case is quite rare that another resident knocked on the door and asked if he can see it. I even managed to make a joke, "Want to see it? It's rare!". Resident dude agreed, he told us that he's seen only two cases since he started, roughly five years, both of those cases were in the States, not Canada. Geez, that's "reassuring"... not.
Dr. C2 wanted me to have a CT scan and MRI. The surgery will depend on the CT scan results. Luckily they were able to squeeze me in this afternoon at 4:00 pm for a CT scan. So we waited, had a late lunch, and went back to the hospital.
Prior to the CT scan, we met Dr. C3, he was the radiologist that specializes in the head/neck area and is familiar with the case I have. Dr. C3 explained to us that the CT scan will only be on my head/neck area and it will show the extent of the tumor, if it has affected my bones. It will determine what type of surgery Dr. C2 will perform. Dr. C3 said that he will also do an MRI (at a later date), to see if the lymph nodes, tissues and other areas have been affected. He told us that there is no need for me to worry why I need an MRI on top of the CT scan. Dr. C3 said it will help him study my case thoroughly.
I was called in for the CT scan. An x-ray or radiation dye had to be injected to help the scan. Nurse 1 tried at least three times to find a vein from my left arm, no luck. They were painful. Memories when I was hospitalized when I had chemo flashed through my mind. Nurse 2 came and tried a couple of times. She said my veins were so hard it felt like tendons and that made it hard to fine a suitable vein where the needle was inserted. Painful but bearable.
Then the scanning started. I could not move and was not allowed to swallow then the dye was released through my system. I was totally fine until the dye entered my body. It hurt and it brought back memories when I had chemo. I could not control my tears, at the same time tried not to move. It was deja vu. Same $h!t I had before. It was just too much to handle. It was done after 10 minutes or so. Nurse 2 asked if I cried because she saw the tears down my neck. I told her that it just brought back memories from the past, memories that are still fresh in my mind.
Next Thursday we'll meet with Dr. C2 to discuss the surgery. There is a two to nine months wait for the surgery. Yes that's how long it will take to do it here, blame our healthcare system. He assured me the tumor will not get any bigger because it is non invasive. We're also waiting for their call about the MRI. More waiting time but I'm hoping for the best.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Mentally Drained
Oh what a stressful week it has been, mentally!!! I was happy because I was on vacation. All that crumbled and turned into anxiety, depression, fear and worried sick about my health.
It all started last Tuesday when I had my annual mammo and left breast ultrasound. I think the mammo was ok but my blood pressure sky rocketed when I was almost done with the breast ultrasound. I tried to take a peak at the images on the screen. The techie lady was moving the mouse-like scanner over my breast, pressed it as hard as she could. It was done but before she discharged me, the lady told me to stay put because she wants to a doctor before I leave. Horrible thoughts flashed through my mind that instant, it was the same crap I had when they found the lump on my right breast. I was terrified. I was numb. After 10-20 minutes, which felt like an eternity, the techie lady told me I can go.
I called Mark as soon as I got out of the room and I just balled my eyes out. I was extremely scared and was ready to give up that it was like reliving the past. Mark, bless his heart, said everything to calm my nerves but it was useless. I cried so bad, it was depressing. I left the hospital, completely psyched myself and tried to put brave face on because I had to pick up our kids from my in-laws. I was afraid to go home because I was terrified of getting a phone call from Dr. C. I did everything to keep my mind off it and went out with the kids. I was in a zone and my mind was blank. Totally terrified! It was nerve wracking and felt my heart stopped everytime our phone rang last week. But fortunately, I did not get the call from Dr. C. Whew! I was fine after that and even had fun whatever was left of my vacation.
And then came today.... I was fine most of the day then I started feeling sick early this evening. The right side of my head is aching. It feels like my right eye hurts. It could be migraine. But then it could be something else. The anxiety that it could be related to the palate is driving me nuts. God I hope not.
The stress meter is rising again because we will finally meet the specialist in downtown Toronto on Wednesday. Please pray for me. The last thing I need these days is stress and basically that is what I have had the past few weeks. It is not helping me at all. I will do anything just to relieve the stress because quite frankly it is draining me out, physically, emotionally and mentally.
It all started last Tuesday when I had my annual mammo and left breast ultrasound. I think the mammo was ok but my blood pressure sky rocketed when I was almost done with the breast ultrasound. I tried to take a peak at the images on the screen. The techie lady was moving the mouse-like scanner over my breast, pressed it as hard as she could. It was done but before she discharged me, the lady told me to stay put because she wants to a doctor before I leave. Horrible thoughts flashed through my mind that instant, it was the same crap I had when they found the lump on my right breast. I was terrified. I was numb. After 10-20 minutes, which felt like an eternity, the techie lady told me I can go.
I called Mark as soon as I got out of the room and I just balled my eyes out. I was extremely scared and was ready to give up that it was like reliving the past. Mark, bless his heart, said everything to calm my nerves but it was useless. I cried so bad, it was depressing. I left the hospital, completely psyched myself and tried to put brave face on because I had to pick up our kids from my in-laws. I was afraid to go home because I was terrified of getting a phone call from Dr. C. I did everything to keep my mind off it and went out with the kids. I was in a zone and my mind was blank. Totally terrified! It was nerve wracking and felt my heart stopped everytime our phone rang last week. But fortunately, I did not get the call from Dr. C. Whew! I was fine after that and even had fun whatever was left of my vacation.
And then came today.... I was fine most of the day then I started feeling sick early this evening. The right side of my head is aching. It feels like my right eye hurts. It could be migraine. But then it could be something else. The anxiety that it could be related to the palate is driving me nuts. God I hope not.
The stress meter is rising again because we will finally meet the specialist in downtown Toronto on Wednesday. Please pray for me. The last thing I need these days is stress and basically that is what I have had the past few weeks. It is not helping me at all. I will do anything just to relieve the stress because quite frankly it is draining me out, physically, emotionally and mentally.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Free Again
The past couple of weeks I've been contemplating on having my hair cut - a) shave it; b) go to a mom and pop hair salon and get it cut for a cheaper price; or c); or go to my favorite hairstylist, a pro and charges a lot. I was leaning towards "b)" but the past couple of times I did that, I was disappointed, very basic cuts that didn't do anything for me. Option "a)" was a bit nerve wracking since I'm still traumatized or still have bad memories when my hair was shaved prior to chemo. My cousin, B, convinced me that go for option "c)" - go to my favorite stylist who knows my hair more than anyone and also the fact that she's a very good with what she does. B said, although it's pricey, the satisfaction of getting a good haircut plus how it will boost my confidence will be priceless.
And so I did, today I got a haircut with my favorite stylist, H. I was kind of nervous before my appointment. The salon was at the mall, right across my work, worried my co-workers will see me "au naturel". I also wasn't sure how H would react to my ever-so-thin hair/bald spot. But all those "fears" disappeared when we talked. She made me feel at ease and relaxed (I swear stylists can also be good shrinks coz they know how to lift a woman's spirits!). I showed her pictures of Victoria Beckham and a few other models with a pixie haircut/style. H loved all the pictures I showed her and said it will suit my style/face. She did say the texture of my hair is totally different - it's thin and curly whereas before it was wavy and thick. Anyway, it felt like I was back to my old self when she did her "magic" to make my hair look more stylish.
Afterwards, it looked much better than this morning. The curls were gone (for now, until it grows back). I left the salon feeling confident. And for the first time since I got my hair back, I drove without any bandana or wig. It felt.. oh... so... GOOOOOD!!! Like my head could breathe again. I rolled the windows down and I felt the wind blowing on my thin but short hair. It was free again.
I cannot describe how awesome it felt. The past few days have been one heck of an emotional roller coaster ride for me. But today, all the emotional stress I've had this week seems to have been blown away by this new confidence, all because of a simple haircut. I can safely say my "crowning glory" is slowly but surely coming back. Oh what a feeling!
And so I did, today I got a haircut with my favorite stylist, H. I was kind of nervous before my appointment. The salon was at the mall, right across my work, worried my co-workers will see me "au naturel". I also wasn't sure how H would react to my ever-so-thin hair/bald spot. But all those "fears" disappeared when we talked. She made me feel at ease and relaxed (I swear stylists can also be good shrinks coz they know how to lift a woman's spirits!). I showed her pictures of Victoria Beckham and a few other models with a pixie haircut/style. H loved all the pictures I showed her and said it will suit my style/face. She did say the texture of my hair is totally different - it's thin and curly whereas before it was wavy and thick. Anyway, it felt like I was back to my old self when she did her "magic" to make my hair look more stylish.
Afterwards, it looked much better than this morning. The curls were gone (for now, until it grows back). I left the salon feeling confident. And for the first time since I got my hair back, I drove without any bandana or wig. It felt.. oh... so... GOOOOOD!!! Like my head could breathe again. I rolled the windows down and I felt the wind blowing on my thin but short hair. It was free again.
I cannot describe how awesome it felt. The past few days have been one heck of an emotional roller coaster ride for me. But today, all the emotional stress I've had this week seems to have been blown away by this new confidence, all because of a simple haircut. I can safely say my "crowning glory" is slowly but surely coming back. Oh what a feeling!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Running Out of Luck
I saw Dr. C today. She checked my breasts because I've been having pains on the left side. Dr. C didn't feel anything but she ordered a breast ultrasound (finally!) just to be sure.
Anyway, I also saw Dr. C to let her know that I was recently diagnosed with polymorphous low grade adenocarcinoma of the palate or PLGA for short, after all she is my family doctor. She was very sympathetic when I told her what's happened in the last month and all she could say was it's very unfortunate, how was I handling it, take it one day at a time, you know, the usual schpiel. Based from our conversation I sensed that what I have is not really that good or not as easy as what Dr. A led me to believe was nothing. Dr. C didn't offer anything positive about PLGA. Dr. C said that if it was a regular cyst, I shouldn't worry about it, however the fact that it's low-grade means it is something else. Of course, after hearing those words, my mind was going a mile a minute. The anxiety level went up but I still managed to put up a brave face. The only positive thing she said was the hospital I'm going to is one of the best and the treatment in the oral surgeon field are excellent. Even though I still do not have a clue who my doctor will be it is good to know that I'll be dealing with one of the best medical teams in our area, at least that's positive.
Dr. C and I talked for a bit and she touched on the issue of work and family. Dr. C said that it might be a wake up call for me after having two types of cancer to rethink my priorities in life. Spend more time with family and not to let my work lead my life. Was quitting my job an option? No. Can I work part time? Maybe. Can I find a less stressful job at work? Yes. Dr. C said I should have a good balance of family and work.
These have been on my mind the whole day so I surfed the net tonight to get more info about PLGA. I googled it and the results are minimal, less than 80,000 results popped and only 387 pages in Canada. Not a good start.
What I found out was very depressing. PLGA is a very rare type of cancer of the salivary glands. Yes, it's rare. (WTF! I cannot believe it. That's probably why Dr. C talked to me the way she did.) Most articles I read said that the treatment is to have a surgery and to ensure regular, very careful and systematic check-ups happen after the operation. However, some people do have recurrence which led to death after a few months. Among the few who were diagnosed with PLGA, majority didn't have any recurrence. Dear God, I hope I will belong to the latter group for our sons' sake.
I have been crying since I read it's a rare type of cancer. I'm scared. All I can think of is our kids. Are my days here on earth numbered? Just when I thought I recovered from my bout against breast cancer, I'm back to square one, battling yet another cancer, a very rare one at that! It is so depressing!!! Am I running out of luck?
Staying positive will be harder this time but that's the only thing that will keep me sane. Searching for that silver lining, a glimmer of hope that everything will be ok, eventually.
Anyway, I also saw Dr. C to let her know that I was recently diagnosed with polymorphous low grade adenocarcinoma of the palate or PLGA for short, after all she is my family doctor. She was very sympathetic when I told her what's happened in the last month and all she could say was it's very unfortunate, how was I handling it, take it one day at a time, you know, the usual schpiel. Based from our conversation I sensed that what I have is not really that good or not as easy as what Dr. A led me to believe was nothing. Dr. C didn't offer anything positive about PLGA. Dr. C said that if it was a regular cyst, I shouldn't worry about it, however the fact that it's low-grade means it is something else. Of course, after hearing those words, my mind was going a mile a minute. The anxiety level went up but I still managed to put up a brave face. The only positive thing she said was the hospital I'm going to is one of the best and the treatment in the oral surgeon field are excellent. Even though I still do not have a clue who my doctor will be it is good to know that I'll be dealing with one of the best medical teams in our area, at least that's positive.
Dr. C and I talked for a bit and she touched on the issue of work and family. Dr. C said that it might be a wake up call for me after having two types of cancer to rethink my priorities in life. Spend more time with family and not to let my work lead my life. Was quitting my job an option? No. Can I work part time? Maybe. Can I find a less stressful job at work? Yes. Dr. C said I should have a good balance of family and work.
These have been on my mind the whole day so I surfed the net tonight to get more info about PLGA. I googled it and the results are minimal, less than 80,000 results popped and only 387 pages in Canada. Not a good start.
What I found out was very depressing. PLGA is a very rare type of cancer of the salivary glands. Yes, it's rare. (WTF! I cannot believe it. That's probably why Dr. C talked to me the way she did.) Most articles I read said that the treatment is to have a surgery and to ensure regular, very careful and systematic check-ups happen after the operation. However, some people do have recurrence which led to death after a few months. Among the few who were diagnosed with PLGA, majority didn't have any recurrence. Dear God, I hope I will belong to the latter group for our sons' sake.
I have been crying since I read it's a rare type of cancer. I'm scared. All I can think of is our kids. Are my days here on earth numbered? Just when I thought I recovered from my bout against breast cancer, I'm back to square one, battling yet another cancer, a very rare one at that! It is so depressing!!! Am I running out of luck?
Staying positive will be harder this time but that's the only thing that will keep me sane. Searching for that silver lining, a glimmer of hope that everything will be ok, eventually.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Snapshots
I just finished uploading our kids' latest pictures to my Facebook account. Since I have the camera, I decided to take pictures of myself. I'm not a narcissist but I wanted to find out what my hair looks like these days. Of course I can see the front but not the crown or the back. What I saw was a bit depressing and disappointing. Ugh! I can't believe I did that.
So this will be the "world premier" or "unveiling" of the current state of my hair. Nobody's seen it except for my family. Sorry if it's disgusting but it's what I have right now. I don't know why I'm doing this, I'm not drunk, I'm sober. I think it is just the right time, so bear with me.
The first shot looks like that of an old man with a bald spot. Yuck! Make no mistake, that's my "crowning glory". It's exactly why I'm still wear my wig nor do I have the guts to go wig-free at work.
The following pictures shows what I look like these days without my wig on. I brushed my hair prior to taking the pictures so I won't look like Broom-hilda or the Witch from the Wizard of Oz. It looks half decent as long as I don't bend or look down coz I get very conscious of the bald spots. I wouldn't dare show you what it looks like after I take a shower, might give you the creeps ;) LOL :D
So this will be the "world premier" or "unveiling" of the current state of my hair. Nobody's seen it except for my family. Sorry if it's disgusting but it's what I have right now. I don't know why I'm doing this, I'm not drunk, I'm sober. I think it is just the right time, so bear with me.
The first shot looks like that of an old man with a bald spot. Yuck! Make no mistake, that's my "crowning glory". It's exactly why I'm still wear my wig nor do I have the guts to go wig-free at work.
I'm getting impatient. I'm using every natural product I can get a hold of, coconut oil and aloe vera for shampoo/conditioner. It has started growing ever so slowly, curly and oh so thin, something I'm not used to at all. Pre-chemo my hair was thick and grows like weed. Post-chemo, 13 months after, my hair is back but is not the same as before. Whoever told me pre-chemo days that my hair will grow back thicker and faster should be eating there words now, coz frankly it isn't.
But I should stay positive coz on the bright side, it's growing and better than nothing. :)
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