Here I am trying to think of a title for my post today. I could not think of a good title. Then on the news they did a feature on a 95 year old lady who still runs at marathons and does track and field. The anchor asked what her secret was. The lady said she feels blessed and always count her blessings..." How appropriate.
It is so true, we always have to count our blessings. Although it has been a rough couple of weeks and feels like my whole world stopped, I feel blessed because I am surrounded with great family and friends. At times when I was losing hope, they encouraged me to look at the bright side. Think positive they said. One friend said I should consider the discovery of the "bright object" a blessing because if I did not ask for a second opinion, I would not have gotten the MRI. Another friend said to look at the bright side because I have family and friends to help me in prayers and who will support me. Another one said, at least it's a good diet plan because I lost some weight. ;) Good friends who are there through good and bad times. Friends who are willing to help you, pray for you, give you cards or send you special notes to brighten up your day or offering simple hugs just to let you know they are there for me when I need someone to talk to, lean on or just to hang out with.
I feel blessed because we have two wonderful and healthy kids and a loving and supportive husband. They are my pillars of strength. The other night my morale was really down but the kids managed to cheer me up. They keep me going. Mark's one I could lean on at all times. He's like my security blanket and I don't feel secure when he is away. I am not a perfect wife to my husband nor am I an ideal mother to our kids but I will not have it any other way but to be a wife and mother to them.
I am also blessed because we have a mother who is so strong and knows how to comfort me during difficult times. We don't see eye to eye most of the time but no matter what, just like any mother, she knows what's best for me and my brothers. In my eyes (and also my brothers), she may not be perfect but she's our number one cheerleader and always encourages us to do the right thing. I feel blessed because she's still with us and was with me when I had my treatments.
I also feel blessed because I have a family pushing me to be positive and tries to cheer me up when I'm down. My brothers who boosts my morale. My aunts, uncles, cousins, neices and nephews who are my prayer brigade, never stopping to pray for me and our family. My in-laws who are always there when we need them most. Also I'm thankful for my extended family at work, they're my second family since we spend more time together than my family. A great group of people to work with and makes it worthwhile to go to work each day.
And most of all, I feel blessed because of my faith in God is getting stronger everyday. This whole experience since I got sick made me closer to God. This could be His way of showing His love for me. His way of showing me to trust Him and leave everything in His hands for He will not forsake me. Today's gospel told us that Jesus wants us to be perfect. I thought, how can that be when no one is perfect? But the priest explained it all during the homily, we need to get rid of the hatred in our hearts, forgive the enemies we have and live through the words/work of our Lord. The homily also explained that God will grant us what we want. "Ask and you shall receive, knock and I will open the door for you". These might be God's message to me today because it certainly is very appropriate. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. This might be God's way to let Him be the driver of my life. Let Him lead the way. The gospel and homily might be the blessings I need.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The show must go on...
It will be a week tomorrow since I received the dreaded news. How am I feeling? Crappy... in denial... scared ... and maybe...still in shock. I honestly cannot tell you exactly how I feel right now because I don't know myself. I feel like a robot or a zombie doing stuff I normally do but have not really cared what happens. My mind just keeps wandering off. I am aware that I have to be careful when driving or be alert when working. I often would be staring at walls or the horizon and feels like my head stopped working or in a daze.
I'm really finding it hard this time to deal with this but the show must go on. I went back to work and have tried to keep my mind busy. I crank up the music in my car while driving so I won't have time to think. I play video games or watch my favorite shows when I'm at home. I will do anything to keep my mind off it.
I would like to think I am okay now. Maybe I am. I have family and friends who loves/supports me. One friend said that we should look at the positive side of things instead of the negative. Maybe she's right. Hard as it may, I have been trying to think positive and take everything one day at a time. It's the only thing that I can do.
I'm really finding it hard this time to deal with this but the show must go on. I went back to work and have tried to keep my mind busy. I crank up the music in my car while driving so I won't have time to think. I play video games or watch my favorite shows when I'm at home. I will do anything to keep my mind off it.
I would like to think I am okay now. Maybe I am. I have family and friends who loves/supports me. One friend said that we should look at the positive side of things instead of the negative. Maybe she's right. Hard as it may, I have been trying to think positive and take everything one day at a time. It's the only thing that I can do.
Monday, February 14, 2011
When Will It End?
The past couple of weeks I've had a series of tests - mammogram, breast ultra sound and breast MRI. Three exposures to high levels of radiation, enough that I feel I can nuke a corn kernel and I can make it pop. All those tests were requested by my new doctor, Dr. Y, so she can give me a second opinion to the cyst I have on my left breast.
Week 1 was mammo and the ultrasound. I think it went well because the radiologist told me the mammo and ultrasound showed nothing of concern. Mind you they only did an ultrasound to the left breast. But still, it was a relief to hear the cyst was just that, a cyst. The lump I felt was a tissue growth or something. The radiologist recommended that I come back in six months.
Week 2 was the breast MRI. It was scheduled at 7:30 a.m. in Toronto. I was calm and kept my mind busy before the MRI. Then they called me in. A nurse interviewed me since it was my first MRI at that hospital. She asked about my medical history and lumpectomy. Afterwards, they took some blood samples, which apparently was a requirement if a patient has hypertension before doing the MRI. There I was in a hospital gown, lying on a hospital bed and a nurse poking my arm to find a vein. That was like a trip down memory lane when I had the surgery. It gave me shivers! I did manage to stay calm because the good ol' nurse found a vein right away. After she took the blood samples she had to leave a syringe with needle(!) taped to my arms, where the radiation dye was injected during the MRI.
I was able to muster enough courage not to take the claustrophic meds because I went on my own. I lied flat on my tummy with the breasts dangling from the machine. The position was like getting a massage but at a different level. When they "wheeled" me in the machine, I didn't open my eyes until it was over. It was nerve wracking at first and was ready to hit the panic button but I prayed so hard that it helped me relax my nerves. After awhile it was ok. It took about 45 minutes to finish the MRI. I was dizzy afterwards but it subsided after some time. So I went to work.
Just before 4:00 p.m. on Friday, Dr. Y called me at work to let me know they found a "bright object" on my right breast. It could be an old fluid from the lumpectomy or it could be something else. Dr. Y would like me to take another ultrasound on the right breast to see what that "bright object" is. If it is a fluid, they will drain it but if it is something else, another MRI has to be done. Then she said the word I dread the most - recurrence. Dr. Y said that it could be a recurrence. It felt like my whole world stopped for a minute after she said that. I think I was in denial of what she told me that I kept asking about the left breast. Dr. Y said it is ok, nothing to worry about. She was more concerned about the right breast.
WTF...my heart was racing. I was shocked and it took awhile for her message to sink in. I stared at my computer for several minutes. I called my girlfriend to cancel our dinner and then I broke down. I cried!!! I could not stand it any more so I left work in a hurry. Driving home was not fun. I cried non-stop and went into our room as soon as I got home.
The news was so unexpected, even Mark was surprised with it. I think I was crying because I was upset, mad, frustrated, scared and most of all helpless. It is another ordeal I have to take, another challenge I have to face. I called a few friends just so I could vent my frustrations and I think that helped. I don't know what to do anymore.
Before going to bed that night, I prayed like I never prayed before. I offered myself to God and let Him take care of me, heal me, comfort me and give me more strength to endure this new challenge. It is all in His hands now, all we can do is pray. I meditated, listened to some classical music to help calm my nerves and I fell asleep. I woke up with some sense of "inner peace". I think it is God's way of comforting me that everything will be ok. I could also be in shock and just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore.
All I know was that I had to be strong for our kids and that's what motivated me to be strong this weekend and take each day one day at a time. To think positive even if that "positive well" is running dry. I'm getting tired of this battle. All I can do is pray, it's another thing that keeps me going. But in spite of that, I cannot help but think - "When will it end?"
Only time will tell....
Week 1 was mammo and the ultrasound. I think it went well because the radiologist told me the mammo and ultrasound showed nothing of concern. Mind you they only did an ultrasound to the left breast. But still, it was a relief to hear the cyst was just that, a cyst. The lump I felt was a tissue growth or something. The radiologist recommended that I come back in six months.
Week 2 was the breast MRI. It was scheduled at 7:30 a.m. in Toronto. I was calm and kept my mind busy before the MRI. Then they called me in. A nurse interviewed me since it was my first MRI at that hospital. She asked about my medical history and lumpectomy. Afterwards, they took some blood samples, which apparently was a requirement if a patient has hypertension before doing the MRI. There I was in a hospital gown, lying on a hospital bed and a nurse poking my arm to find a vein. That was like a trip down memory lane when I had the surgery. It gave me shivers! I did manage to stay calm because the good ol' nurse found a vein right away. After she took the blood samples she had to leave a syringe with needle(!) taped to my arms, where the radiation dye was injected during the MRI.
I was able to muster enough courage not to take the claustrophic meds because I went on my own. I lied flat on my tummy with the breasts dangling from the machine. The position was like getting a massage but at a different level. When they "wheeled" me in the machine, I didn't open my eyes until it was over. It was nerve wracking at first and was ready to hit the panic button but I prayed so hard that it helped me relax my nerves. After awhile it was ok. It took about 45 minutes to finish the MRI. I was dizzy afterwards but it subsided after some time. So I went to work.
Just before 4:00 p.m. on Friday, Dr. Y called me at work to let me know they found a "bright object" on my right breast. It could be an old fluid from the lumpectomy or it could be something else. Dr. Y would like me to take another ultrasound on the right breast to see what that "bright object" is. If it is a fluid, they will drain it but if it is something else, another MRI has to be done. Then she said the word I dread the most - recurrence. Dr. Y said that it could be a recurrence. It felt like my whole world stopped for a minute after she said that. I think I was in denial of what she told me that I kept asking about the left breast. Dr. Y said it is ok, nothing to worry about. She was more concerned about the right breast.
WTF...my heart was racing. I was shocked and it took awhile for her message to sink in. I stared at my computer for several minutes. I called my girlfriend to cancel our dinner and then I broke down. I cried!!! I could not stand it any more so I left work in a hurry. Driving home was not fun. I cried non-stop and went into our room as soon as I got home.
The news was so unexpected, even Mark was surprised with it. I think I was crying because I was upset, mad, frustrated, scared and most of all helpless. It is another ordeal I have to take, another challenge I have to face. I called a few friends just so I could vent my frustrations and I think that helped. I don't know what to do anymore.
Before going to bed that night, I prayed like I never prayed before. I offered myself to God and let Him take care of me, heal me, comfort me and give me more strength to endure this new challenge. It is all in His hands now, all we can do is pray. I meditated, listened to some classical music to help calm my nerves and I fell asleep. I woke up with some sense of "inner peace". I think it is God's way of comforting me that everything will be ok. I could also be in shock and just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore.
All I know was that I had to be strong for our kids and that's what motivated me to be strong this weekend and take each day one day at a time. To think positive even if that "positive well" is running dry. I'm getting tired of this battle. All I can do is pray, it's another thing that keeps me going. But in spite of that, I cannot help but think - "When will it end?"
Only time will tell....
Friday, February 4, 2011
Year Two
It's not really worth remembering but it's year two since I had chemo. On January 16th I told Mark that it was the second year since I had the first dose of chemo. He said it is something we should forget, not remember. I agree. But some things you just cannot forget. It's all in the past now.
The past couple of years hasn't been easy - recovering from the treatments, had the bout against PLGA and still kind of iffy with the cyst on my left breast. It is still not over. I asked for a second opinion for the cyst. Dr. Y is my new doctor and she works at Sunnybrook Hospital, one of the more reputable hospitals in Toronto. They have the Odette Cancer Centre which is well known in our neck of the woods specializing in treating this disease.
Dr. Y asked for three tests before she can give us her opinion. Today I had another mammogram and breast ultrasound. Next Friday it's breast MRI. All three are needed in order for her to give her expert opinion. Why three tests? Apparently each test reveals something that the others don't. That's fine as long as they give me a clear explanation what is happening with me.
Today was okay. The lump I felt where the cyst is looks more like a tissue growth and according to the radiologist was "nothing of concern". Great! Next is the MRI and meeting with Dr. Y. I cannot wait to get Dr. Y's final opinion so I can move on with my life.
But you know what? It does feel like my life is back to its old self. I no longer wear the wig. Yup, had the big "reveal" of my short do at work last month. It got mixed reviews, some are still in shock I "cut" my hair short and most said it looks great on me. I don't really care anymore. I love not wearing the wig.
I guess it is worth celebrating this second year. After all it has been two years since I beat breast cancer and I'm looking for many more years of living this life. :)
The past couple of years hasn't been easy - recovering from the treatments, had the bout against PLGA and still kind of iffy with the cyst on my left breast. It is still not over. I asked for a second opinion for the cyst. Dr. Y is my new doctor and she works at Sunnybrook Hospital, one of the more reputable hospitals in Toronto. They have the Odette Cancer Centre which is well known in our neck of the woods specializing in treating this disease.
Dr. Y asked for three tests before she can give us her opinion. Today I had another mammogram and breast ultrasound. Next Friday it's breast MRI. All three are needed in order for her to give her expert opinion. Why three tests? Apparently each test reveals something that the others don't. That's fine as long as they give me a clear explanation what is happening with me.
Today was okay. The lump I felt where the cyst is looks more like a tissue growth and according to the radiologist was "nothing of concern". Great! Next is the MRI and meeting with Dr. Y. I cannot wait to get Dr. Y's final opinion so I can move on with my life.
But you know what? It does feel like my life is back to its old self. I no longer wear the wig. Yup, had the big "reveal" of my short do at work last month. It got mixed reviews, some are still in shock I "cut" my hair short and most said it looks great on me. I don't really care anymore. I love not wearing the wig.
I guess it is worth celebrating this second year. After all it has been two years since I beat breast cancer and I'm looking for many more years of living this life. :)
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