God is in Control

It's Sunday, a day to worship.  I went to church at 10:00, earlier than the usual 12:00 mass I go to.  Somehow I needed to attend the 10:00 mass.  Since Thursday, there has been some sort of emptiness in me maybe because of what I found out. 

Before the mass started, I prayed for the continued blessings God has given me and our family.  I also prayed for strength and guidance in the days to come.  Strength to give me more positive outlook in life.  I also prayed that I will leave everything up to God for He knows what is best for me and for all of us. I left it at that.

The mass started and the opening song was on page 598 of the red book called "How Can I Keep from Singing?".  There I was singing the song with everyone else.  When I read the part of the song that stated "No storm can shake my inmost calm, While to that refuge clinging; Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth, How can I keep from singing?" I almost burst into tears.  I had to control myself from crying while singing. 

Those words really hit me hard.  Was I just too emotional?  Maybe.  But at that point in time, I truly believed it was a message from God to me.  Maybe it is His way of telling me to leave everything to Him.  That I should continue to have faith in Him and also to remain strong.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  I believe what happened this morning at the church was divine intervention.

I searched for the song on Google and I would like to share the song with you:

My life flows on in endless song:

Above earth's lamentation,

I catch the sweet, tho' far-off hymn

That hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife

I hear the music ringing;

It finds an echo in my soul--

How can I keep from singing?

What tho' my joys and comfort die?

The Lord my Saviour liveth;

What tho' the darkness gather round?

Songs in the night he giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,

While to that refuge clinging;

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth,

How can I keep from singing?

I lift my eyes; the cloud grows thin;

I see the blue above it;

And day by day this pathway smooths,

Since first I learned to love it.

The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,

A fountain ever springing;

All things are mine since I am his--

How can I keep from singing? 

Another Setback

Here we go again, another setback, another health issue.  I can't win.  Yesterday was supposed to be a regular follow-up appointment with Dr. C2.  I went by myself and didn't see the need for Mark to go with me.  It was supposed to be nothing, like a hi-hello-everything's fine-see you in a couple of months-goodbye kind of thing.  Little did I know it was the exact opposite.

I told the Dr. C2's team what I've been experiencing since the oral surgery.  I've had some pains every now and then and felt a blister right where the tumor was.  I thought it was part of the healing process.  I got nervous when the residents started asking me questions and looked at the palate several times, even poked it. 

According to Dr. D (or Dr. Hottie since he's handsome), my records show that they took out everything and I could be experiencing it because it is still healing.  Then he asked me if the blister-like feeling comes and goes.  I said yes.  Dr. D thinks it is mucocele, something to do with salivary glands.  While he explained what it was Dr. C2 came, got briefed of what's happening and he suggested that they remove it and cauterize the blister-like object.  He looked concerned and told me it could be a recurrence of the tumor.  Say what?!?!?  Recurrence?  WTF!  That was the last thing on my mind. 

They discussed the procedure they wanted to do to make sure everything is ok.  I laughed when Dr. C2 explained what's involved with the cauterization and he told me it was not funny.  (If he only knew, it was my nervous laugh and I was trying to be brave about the whole situation.)  They gave me a choice, do the procedure yesterday or wait for another two weeks.  Of course, I told them 'do what you have to do' and they did.  The procedure lasted about 15-20 minutes.  They took out a pea-size piece off my palate and it was sent for biopsy.  Then they cauterized the area.  It hurt.  Everything happened so fast that I did not have time to react to the situation.  Before I knew it, they were done and asked me to come back in two weeks.

I called Mark right away and told him what happened.  Then I broke down.  I lost my composure.  Reality kicked in and I felt defeated once again.  I think I cried because it's another setback.  I cried because of pure frustration.  Mark told me to think positive and I thought to myself, how can I?  I'm running out of it.  Just when I thought I've gotten back on my feet with my health, here comes another blow.  Why can't I win this battle?

I was so numb and felt so weak I had to stay in the hospital for a little while and tried to muster enough courage to go home.  I called my supervisor and let her know I will not be able to return to work that day.  She asked how the appointment was and again, I broke down into tears.  It was too much for me to handle.  I drove home, stoic and tears ran down my face.  All I could think of was death and losing the battle.

I got home safely but the tears continued.  I didn't know what to do.  I did not know what to pray for anymore.  Is mine a hopeless case?  Am I fighting a battle I cannot win?  What more can I do but pray.  I prayed for strength and left it in His hands.  God has plans for me and whatever it is I pray for strength and courage to accept whatever it is.