This is exactly why I have not read the newspaper or any article for that matter since I was diagnosed with PLGA and the cyst on my left breast, it stresses me out. Tonight I read two stories about two famous people who lost or is about to lose their battle against this damn illness: Mark Dailey, a Canadian newscaster, lost his battle to cancer today; and, Elizabeth Edwards, wife of the US politician John Edwards, whose cancer has spread to her liver which can no longer be treated. It just dampens my mood whenever I read stories like these.
I have been on Cloud 9 since November 18th. I received the best news I've had in a while. No recurrence of the damn cancer on my palate. It was such a relief to hear the doctors say it was good news and not a recurrence. As soon as they said those magic words, I lost it. I cried, but they were tears of joy. It was a big relief. And since then, it suddenly felt that life is good, the grass is green again, the sky is blue and that God is great. Our prayers were answered. It also felt that I was back on my feet and felt normal again. I still pray for strength, guidance and good health. My faith in God is stronger and I'm trying to make the most of life these days.
Stories about how people lost or will lose their battle to cancer brings my 'positive thinking' to a screeching holt. Ruins the mood, dampens my spirits. I saw a friend's post on Facebook, she said 'Damn cancer'. She was right in saying that. Damn the illness, damn to what it does to those were affected by it. Damn cancer!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
God is in Control
It's Sunday, a day to worship. I went to church at 10:00, earlier than the usual 12:00 mass I go to. Somehow I needed to attend the 10:00 mass. Since Thursday, there has been some sort of emptiness in me maybe because of what I found out.
Before the mass started, I prayed for the continued blessings God has given me and our family. I also prayed for strength and guidance in the days to come. Strength to give me more positive outlook in life. I also prayed that I will leave everything up to God for He knows what is best for me and for all of us. I left it at that.
The mass started and the opening song was on page 598 of the red book called "How Can I Keep from Singing?". There I was singing the song with everyone else. When I read the part of the song that stated "No storm can shake my inmost calm, While to that refuge clinging; Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth, How can I keep from singing?" I almost burst into tears. I had to control myself from crying while singing.
Those words really hit me hard. Was I just too emotional? Maybe. But at that point in time, I truly believed it was a message from God to me. Maybe it is His way of telling me to leave everything to Him. That I should continue to have faith in Him and also to remain strong. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I believe what happened this morning at the church was divine intervention.
I searched for the song on Google and I would like to share the song with you:
Before the mass started, I prayed for the continued blessings God has given me and our family. I also prayed for strength and guidance in the days to come. Strength to give me more positive outlook in life. I also prayed that I will leave everything up to God for He knows what is best for me and for all of us. I left it at that.
The mass started and the opening song was on page 598 of the red book called "How Can I Keep from Singing?". There I was singing the song with everyone else. When I read the part of the song that stated "No storm can shake my inmost calm, While to that refuge clinging; Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth, How can I keep from singing?" I almost burst into tears. I had to control myself from crying while singing.
Those words really hit me hard. Was I just too emotional? Maybe. But at that point in time, I truly believed it was a message from God to me. Maybe it is His way of telling me to leave everything to Him. That I should continue to have faith in Him and also to remain strong. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I believe what happened this morning at the church was divine intervention.
I searched for the song on Google and I would like to share the song with you:
-
- My life flows on in endless song:
- Above earth's lamentation,
- I catch the sweet, tho' far-off hymn
- That hails a new creation.
- Through all the tumult and the strife
- I hear the music ringing;
- It finds an echo in my soul--
- How can I keep from singing?
- My life flows on in endless song:
-
- What tho' my joys and comfort die?
- The Lord my Saviour liveth;
- What tho' the darkness gather round?
- Songs in the night he giveth.
- No storm can shake my inmost calm,
- While to that refuge clinging;
- Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth,
- How can I keep from singing?
- What tho' my joys and comfort die?
-
- I lift my eyes; the cloud grows thin;
- I see the blue above it;
- And day by day this pathway smooths,
- Since first I learned to love it.
- The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart,
- A fountain ever springing;
- All things are mine since I am his--
- How can I keep from singing?
- I lift my eyes; the cloud grows thin;
Friday, November 5, 2010
Another Setback
Here we go again, another setback, another health issue. I can't win. Yesterday was supposed to be a regular follow-up appointment with Dr. C2. I went by myself and didn't see the need for Mark to go with me. It was supposed to be nothing, like a hi-hello-everything's fine-see you in a couple of months-goodbye kind of thing. Little did I know it was the exact opposite.
I told the Dr. C2's team what I've been experiencing since the oral surgery. I've had some pains every now and then and felt a blister right where the tumor was. I thought it was part of the healing process. I got nervous when the residents started asking me questions and looked at the palate several times, even poked it.
According to Dr. D (or Dr. Hottie since he's handsome), my records show that they took out everything and I could be experiencing it because it is still healing. Then he asked me if the blister-like feeling comes and goes. I said yes. Dr. D thinks it is mucocele, something to do with salivary glands. While he explained what it was Dr. C2 came, got briefed of what's happening and he suggested that they remove it and cauterize the blister-like object. He looked concerned and told me it could be a recurrence of the tumor. Say what?!?!? Recurrence? WTF! That was the last thing on my mind.
They discussed the procedure they wanted to do to make sure everything is ok. I laughed when Dr. C2 explained what's involved with the cauterization and he told me it was not funny. (If he only knew, it was my nervous laugh and I was trying to be brave about the whole situation.) They gave me a choice, do the procedure yesterday or wait for another two weeks. Of course, I told them 'do what you have to do' and they did. The procedure lasted about 15-20 minutes. They took out a pea-size piece off my palate and it was sent for biopsy. Then they cauterized the area. It hurt. Everything happened so fast that I did not have time to react to the situation. Before I knew it, they were done and asked me to come back in two weeks.
I called Mark right away and told him what happened. Then I broke down. I lost my composure. Reality kicked in and I felt defeated once again. I think I cried because it's another setback. I cried because of pure frustration. Mark told me to think positive and I thought to myself, how can I? I'm running out of it. Just when I thought I've gotten back on my feet with my health, here comes another blow. Why can't I win this battle?
I was so numb and felt so weak I had to stay in the hospital for a little while and tried to muster enough courage to go home. I called my supervisor and let her know I will not be able to return to work that day. She asked how the appointment was and again, I broke down into tears. It was too much for me to handle. I drove home, stoic and tears ran down my face. All I could think of was death and losing the battle.
I got home safely but the tears continued. I didn't know what to do. I did not know what to pray for anymore. Is mine a hopeless case? Am I fighting a battle I cannot win? What more can I do but pray. I prayed for strength and left it in His hands. God has plans for me and whatever it is I pray for strength and courage to accept whatever it is.
I told the Dr. C2's team what I've been experiencing since the oral surgery. I've had some pains every now and then and felt a blister right where the tumor was. I thought it was part of the healing process. I got nervous when the residents started asking me questions and looked at the palate several times, even poked it.
According to Dr. D (or Dr. Hottie since he's handsome), my records show that they took out everything and I could be experiencing it because it is still healing. Then he asked me if the blister-like feeling comes and goes. I said yes. Dr. D thinks it is mucocele, something to do with salivary glands. While he explained what it was Dr. C2 came, got briefed of what's happening and he suggested that they remove it and cauterize the blister-like object. He looked concerned and told me it could be a recurrence of the tumor. Say what?!?!? Recurrence? WTF! That was the last thing on my mind.
They discussed the procedure they wanted to do to make sure everything is ok. I laughed when Dr. C2 explained what's involved with the cauterization and he told me it was not funny. (If he only knew, it was my nervous laugh and I was trying to be brave about the whole situation.) They gave me a choice, do the procedure yesterday or wait for another two weeks. Of course, I told them 'do what you have to do' and they did. The procedure lasted about 15-20 minutes. They took out a pea-size piece off my palate and it was sent for biopsy. Then they cauterized the area. It hurt. Everything happened so fast that I did not have time to react to the situation. Before I knew it, they were done and asked me to come back in two weeks.
I called Mark right away and told him what happened. Then I broke down. I lost my composure. Reality kicked in and I felt defeated once again. I think I cried because it's another setback. I cried because of pure frustration. Mark told me to think positive and I thought to myself, how can I? I'm running out of it. Just when I thought I've gotten back on my feet with my health, here comes another blow. Why can't I win this battle?
I was so numb and felt so weak I had to stay in the hospital for a little while and tried to muster enough courage to go home. I called my supervisor and let her know I will not be able to return to work that day. She asked how the appointment was and again, I broke down into tears. It was too much for me to handle. I drove home, stoic and tears ran down my face. All I could think of was death and losing the battle.
I got home safely but the tears continued. I didn't know what to do. I did not know what to pray for anymore. Is mine a hopeless case? Am I fighting a battle I cannot win? What more can I do but pray. I prayed for strength and left it in His hands. God has plans for me and whatever it is I pray for strength and courage to accept whatever it is.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Whew! I think...
Got the results of the breast ultrasound. There was a slight growth from three months ago but not substantial enough that it should be of any concern. Dr. P read the results to us that was too technical but in layman's term it means it is not cancer. According to the radiologist's findings, there was no changes as a whole, nor did they detect it was cancer. No further 3-6 months follow-up is required. Dr. P said if I want, an ultrasound can be requested the next time I have a mammogram. Other than that no further tests is required. Dr. P did tell me to do regular monthly self breast exam. Any changes at all has to be reported to Dr. C. Obviously.
I should be extremely happy and relieved right? How come I am not? I may be slightly relieved but not entirely. The pain in the left breast is still there but Dr. P said that is normal and actually good news that it hurts. Maybe I was hoping he'd tell me he'll remove the cyst and when he didn't recommend that, I was disappointed. I can't let my guard down for a second when it comes to my health. I guess it will be something hovering over my head forever until I find the answer that I am looking for.
I should be extremely happy and relieved right? How come I am not? I may be slightly relieved but not entirely. The pain in the left breast is still there but Dr. P said that is normal and actually good news that it hurts. Maybe I was hoping he'd tell me he'll remove the cyst and when he didn't recommend that, I was disappointed. I can't let my guard down for a second when it comes to my health. I guess it will be something hovering over my head forever until I find the answer that I am looking for.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Here I Go Again
I woke up early this morning feeling unsure. I had an appointment at the hospital at 7:45 a.m. It was for the three month follow-up breast ultrasound. After I finished packing our kids' lunch for school and got dressed up for work, I went to the hospital.
It felt like I was a robot this morning, like going for an ultrasound was the norm. Maybe I was numb from it all by now. I checked in, answered all the usual questions they ask me before an ultrasound and waited for my turn. The wait was not too bad, maybe five minutes tops. The lady who did the ultrasound asked my health history and like they always do, she did small talks. I was kind of hoping she woudn't talk to me because it stresses me more when they do. My mind goes crazy trying to interpret what they mean whenever they say something. But I have no control of that. It was uncomfortable every time she put pressure on my breast. But I remember what Dr. P said, if it hurts, it`s benign. That`s what kept me strong.
While she was doing the test, I debated if I should look at the images or not. Initially, I decided not to. Lesser stress I thought. Then the "dreaded" time came when she told me, "wait here, I have to look at the pictures". She was gone for like 15 minutes so I was not able to control myself and I looked at the scanned images. The cyst was "highlighted" with arrows to show where it actually is and maybe to measure the size of it. The anxiety level went up! She came back and told me to go home. The results will be sent to my doctors in a weeks time.
I felt the same way from the time I woke up to the time I left the hospital, feeling unsure. Who knows what lies ahead. All I could think of was, here I go again.
It felt like I was a robot this morning, like going for an ultrasound was the norm. Maybe I was numb from it all by now. I checked in, answered all the usual questions they ask me before an ultrasound and waited for my turn. The wait was not too bad, maybe five minutes tops. The lady who did the ultrasound asked my health history and like they always do, she did small talks. I was kind of hoping she woudn't talk to me because it stresses me more when they do. My mind goes crazy trying to interpret what they mean whenever they say something. But I have no control of that. It was uncomfortable every time she put pressure on my breast. But I remember what Dr. P said, if it hurts, it`s benign. That`s what kept me strong.
While she was doing the test, I debated if I should look at the images or not. Initially, I decided not to. Lesser stress I thought. Then the "dreaded" time came when she told me, "wait here, I have to look at the pictures". She was gone for like 15 minutes so I was not able to control myself and I looked at the scanned images. The cyst was "highlighted" with arrows to show where it actually is and maybe to measure the size of it. The anxiety level went up! She came back and told me to go home. The results will be sent to my doctors in a weeks time.
I felt the same way from the time I woke up to the time I left the hospital, feeling unsure. Who knows what lies ahead. All I could think of was, here I go again.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
A Friend Indeed!
The other night, my friend B called, she is also a breast cancer survivor and who was instrumental in keeping me sane while I had chemotherapy. She is one of the good things that happened during my battle against breast cancer. We compared notes, boosted each other's morale and we both can relate about everything that happened to us during that difficult time.
We've kept in touch every now and then but I never had the guts to tell her about the recent health scares I've had. I didn't want to upset her with the news and really didn't know how she would react to it.
I saw her brother recently and told him what happened to me. Shortly after that, B called me. She was surprised I never told her. I explained. B was a bit disappointed and said we are like a married couple, we should be there for each other through thick and thin. I was wrong, she was a lot tougher and stronger than I thought.
Anyway, I'm glad we talked and also glad that she knows about it. We hardly see each other and yet she is one of the closest friends I've ever had. It is hard to find friends like her but she is a true friend indeed.
We've kept in touch every now and then but I never had the guts to tell her about the recent health scares I've had. I didn't want to upset her with the news and really didn't know how she would react to it.
I saw her brother recently and told him what happened to me. Shortly after that, B called me. She was surprised I never told her. I explained. B was a bit disappointed and said we are like a married couple, we should be there for each other through thick and thin. I was wrong, she was a lot tougher and stronger than I thought.
Anyway, I'm glad we talked and also glad that she knows about it. We hardly see each other and yet she is one of the closest friends I've ever had. It is hard to find friends like her but she is a true friend indeed.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Hairy-Scary
Call me vain but I am really frustrated with the current state of my hair. It's been over a year, almost 16 months, after my chemo and the top is still thin. What should I do to make it thicker?!?!??!
I've been using paraben/sulfate free/organic shampoos like an aloe vera or Burt's Beeswax Volumizing shampoo/conditioner. No luck there. Two weeks ago I tried using raw eggs coz I've read, and someone also told me, that it makes the hair thicker. Hmm, the jury is still out on that one. Maybe it will help if I do it more often, the egg treatment. I also read that the extracts from an aloe vera plant helps, but I do not have such plant. A former co-worker recommended using coconut oil, overnight for a few days. Tried that to no avail. Another website recommends using olive oil or flax seed oil to make it shiny and thicker, maybe I'll try that too. The last resort I can think of is to shave my hair. Not totally but just a tad bit, to even it out, and like what some folks will say, it will make the hair thicker. Hmm, what to do, what to do?
I am getting desperate. I still wear the wig because I'm so self conscious about the bald spot on my head. My mom/brother thinks the wig could be preventing the growth of my hair since I wear it all the time. Hmmm, good point but I will not go to work without the wig. I get paranoid if people stare at my head. Having a thin set of hair especially on the top is kind of scary. I miss my old hair, it was my crowning glory. These days, it's hairy-scary. ;)
I've been using paraben/sulfate free/organic shampoos like an aloe vera or Burt's Beeswax Volumizing shampoo/conditioner. No luck there. Two weeks ago I tried using raw eggs coz I've read, and someone also told me, that it makes the hair thicker. Hmm, the jury is still out on that one. Maybe it will help if I do it more often, the egg treatment. I also read that the extracts from an aloe vera plant helps, but I do not have such plant. A former co-worker recommended using coconut oil, overnight for a few days. Tried that to no avail. Another website recommends using olive oil or flax seed oil to make it shiny and thicker, maybe I'll try that too. The last resort I can think of is to shave my hair. Not totally but just a tad bit, to even it out, and like what some folks will say, it will make the hair thicker. Hmm, what to do, what to do?
I am getting desperate. I still wear the wig because I'm so self conscious about the bald spot on my head. My mom/brother thinks the wig could be preventing the growth of my hair since I wear it all the time. Hmmm, good point but I will not go to work without the wig. I get paranoid if people stare at my head. Having a thin set of hair especially on the top is kind of scary. I miss my old hair, it was my crowning glory. These days, it's hairy-scary. ;)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Oh what a relief it is!!!
The results are in! The pathology results of the tumor. I am happy to share the good news that the doctors did a fantastic job of taking off the tumor and the results were negative. Oh what a relief it is!!!
It feels so good to hear Dr. C2 say the magic words 'congratulations, we took everything out and the results are negative'. It definitely put a smile on my face :)
What's next? The palate is healing well and I will have to go back in four weeks for another follow-up. I still have to use the stent (mouth guard) until it is comfortable enough for me not to use it. Solid food is back on the plate but I should still exercise caution that it does not affect the area. The pains? They said it will get easier as the weeks go by and to continue taking Tylenol 3 if the pain is unbearable or the liquid Advil if it is.
Again I say, oh what a relief it is!
It feels so good to hear Dr. C2 say the magic words 'congratulations, we took everything out and the results are negative'. It definitely put a smile on my face :)
What's next? The palate is healing well and I will have to go back in four weeks for another follow-up. I still have to use the stent (mouth guard) until it is comfortable enough for me not to use it. Solid food is back on the plate but I should still exercise caution that it does not affect the area. The pains? They said it will get easier as the weeks go by and to continue taking Tylenol 3 if the pain is unbearable or the liquid Advil if it is.
Again I say, oh what a relief it is!
Monday, September 6, 2010
Shifting Gears
Lately I've been feeling like crap because of the surgery. Like shifting gears in a car, I could be on park, neutral, reverse or drive (sleeping, weak/normal, in pain or feeling fine, respectively). It is different everyday.
Saturday I felt crappy, dizzy and was in pain. Yesterday I woke up dizzy and so weak. Today I'm on neutral, a little weak but kind of normal. Almost everyday since the surgery I've been trying to psych myself to go back to work, but I could feel normal today and not tomorrow. Today for instance I feel like I'm ready to return to work tomorrow but I'll play it by ear how I feel tomorrow morning. Some people might recover faster than I do, but like the doctors said, each person recovers differently from the other.
For the first time since the surgery, the wound bled last night after brushing my teeth. It was gushing and my stent was all red. Gross! I had to put a gauze in my mouth to stop the bleeding. It did after a few minutes. I do not know if that is good or bad. It feels like there is a hole in the wound. Yuck. Shifting gears to reverse, back to square one, the day of the surgery. It was uncomfortable and feels icky.
It is Day 12 since the surgery and still wearing the stent, possibly for another couple of weeks or so. I've slowly started eating solids. Uncomfortable as it may be and after chopping or mashing the food to pieces, it feels good to eat regular food. Paranoia sometime sets in with the thought that the palate will be infected but with the prescribed mouth rinse I think it should be ok.
It is kind of frustrating how unpredictable my condition is every day. I just hope I can pass this "driving" test, get my license to drive, drive to the road to recovery, sooner than later.
Saturday I felt crappy, dizzy and was in pain. Yesterday I woke up dizzy and so weak. Today I'm on neutral, a little weak but kind of normal. Almost everyday since the surgery I've been trying to psych myself to go back to work, but I could feel normal today and not tomorrow. Today for instance I feel like I'm ready to return to work tomorrow but I'll play it by ear how I feel tomorrow morning. Some people might recover faster than I do, but like the doctors said, each person recovers differently from the other.
For the first time since the surgery, the wound bled last night after brushing my teeth. It was gushing and my stent was all red. Gross! I had to put a gauze in my mouth to stop the bleeding. It did after a few minutes. I do not know if that is good or bad. It feels like there is a hole in the wound. Yuck. Shifting gears to reverse, back to square one, the day of the surgery. It was uncomfortable and feels icky.
It is Day 12 since the surgery and still wearing the stent, possibly for another couple of weeks or so. I've slowly started eating solids. Uncomfortable as it may be and after chopping or mashing the food to pieces, it feels good to eat regular food. Paranoia sometime sets in with the thought that the palate will be infected but with the prescribed mouth rinse I think it should be ok.
It is kind of frustrating how unpredictable my condition is every day. I just hope I can pass this "driving" test, get my license to drive, drive to the road to recovery, sooner than later.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Oral Update
Today was follow-up check-up day and to my surprise Dr. C2 was on vacation. Drats!!! I asked his team a few times before we made today's appointment if he will be there to meet us, they all confirmed he will, including his assistant whom I talked to the other day. This is the second time this happened to us.
I saw two residents instead. Resident 1 saw me first and immediately said the pathology results are not in yet. I said that's fine I came here for a follow-up and wanted to see Dr. C2. That's when he told me the surgeon is on vacation. Grrr! Resident 1 checked the palate and thought I had an infection (the white stuff) so he consulted Resident 2.
Resident 2 looked at the palate and did not agree that it was infection. The white stuff was actually a tissue growth and the palate seems to be healing as expected. Then I bombarded her with questions about the aches and pains I've been having. They are not sure what causes the headaches. However, they explained that the mouth/throat hurts because the nerves surrounding the palate were traumatized. It will take a while before the pain completely goes away. The pain from swallowing is caused by some sort of tear in the throat. Their recommendation was to gargle with warm water and baking soda 2-3x a day to relieve the pain. They suggested that I take extra time off work if the aches and pains persists. We'll see how it goes.
The million dollar question I've been meaning to ask was if I could go back to eating solid food. They said I could, without the mouth guard, as long as I make sure the palate will not be compromised and also to ensure that it will be cleaned and sterile after I eat to avoid infection. Hmmmm, it sounds complicated. In other words, they highly recommend that I stick to the liquid diet and continue using the blender for another week. Darn it!
Resident 2 also checked the other stent (mouth guard) for eating. The reason why it keeps coming off when I tried to use it last night was it didn't fit right. Crap. Now I'm stuck with using only one stent and have to be careful with it coz it breaks easily. On the other hand, Resident 1 cleaned the palate with salt water and also washed the two stents. He prescribed a mouth wash that will help treat the palate to avoid infection.
Anyway, I was really happy when they gave me the thumbs up to brush my teeth with toothpaste. Such a simple thing but believe me I was thrilled. The first thing I did as soon as we got home? Brushed my teeth like I never did before. It felt so good!!!
What's next? We're scheduled to see Dr. C2 next week, this time to get the pathology results if it is ready. I'm hoping that it will be good news, keeping my fingers crossed. And like always that will be another chance to provide you with an oral update. :)
I saw two residents instead. Resident 1 saw me first and immediately said the pathology results are not in yet. I said that's fine I came here for a follow-up and wanted to see Dr. C2. That's when he told me the surgeon is on vacation. Grrr! Resident 1 checked the palate and thought I had an infection (the white stuff) so he consulted Resident 2.
Resident 2 looked at the palate and did not agree that it was infection. The white stuff was actually a tissue growth and the palate seems to be healing as expected. Then I bombarded her with questions about the aches and pains I've been having. They are not sure what causes the headaches. However, they explained that the mouth/throat hurts because the nerves surrounding the palate were traumatized. It will take a while before the pain completely goes away. The pain from swallowing is caused by some sort of tear in the throat. Their recommendation was to gargle with warm water and baking soda 2-3x a day to relieve the pain. They suggested that I take extra time off work if the aches and pains persists. We'll see how it goes.
The million dollar question I've been meaning to ask was if I could go back to eating solid food. They said I could, without the mouth guard, as long as I make sure the palate will not be compromised and also to ensure that it will be cleaned and sterile after I eat to avoid infection. Hmmmm, it sounds complicated. In other words, they highly recommend that I stick to the liquid diet and continue using the blender for another week. Darn it!
Resident 2 also checked the other stent (mouth guard) for eating. The reason why it keeps coming off when I tried to use it last night was it didn't fit right. Crap. Now I'm stuck with using only one stent and have to be careful with it coz it breaks easily. On the other hand, Resident 1 cleaned the palate with salt water and also washed the two stents. He prescribed a mouth wash that will help treat the palate to avoid infection.
Anyway, I was really happy when they gave me the thumbs up to brush my teeth with toothpaste. Such a simple thing but believe me I was thrilled. The first thing I did as soon as we got home? Brushed my teeth like I never did before. It felt so good!!!
What's next? We're scheduled to see Dr. C2 next week, this time to get the pathology results if it is ready. I'm hoping that it will be good news, keeping my fingers crossed. And like always that will be another chance to provide you with an oral update. :)
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Septem-brrrrr
I cannot believe it is already September. Where did the summer go? If I had the power to rewind the clocks of time, I will make summer longer than winter. That probably holds true to most Canadians/Americans.
In the Philippines, it is different. The first day of September marks the beginning of the "ber" months (September to December). One can here the song "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" or any Christmas carol played on the airwaves/TV shows. Owners of malls and all types of establishments adorn their stores/businesses with Christmas decoration. Christmas is definitely in the air. Some will find it really weird, but it is the culture back home and that's what make Christmases back home extra special.
Here in our neck of the woods, the good ol' North America, summer's about to say adieu and autumn is just around the corner. I hate to say it but winter is not that far away. Last week on the way to Ottawa I saw some trees began changing colours, it's beautiful but kind of sad because the thought of the long winter months is depressing. We really cannot complain, we have had gorgeous summer weather this year. We just wish it was longer.
In the Philippines, it is different. The first day of September marks the beginning of the "ber" months (September to December). One can here the song "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" or any Christmas carol played on the airwaves/TV shows. Owners of malls and all types of establishments adorn their stores/businesses with Christmas decoration. Christmas is definitely in the air. Some will find it really weird, but it is the culture back home and that's what make Christmases back home extra special.
Here in our neck of the woods, the good ol' North America, summer's about to say adieu and autumn is just around the corner. I hate to say it but winter is not that far away. Last week on the way to Ottawa I saw some trees began changing colours, it's beautiful but kind of sad because the thought of the long winter months is depressing. We really cannot complain, we have had gorgeous summer weather this year. We just wish it was longer.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
No Pain, No Gain
Day 6 after the surgery and I'm still in pain - headache and in the mouth, sporadically. The mouth? Well that is expected, I guess, after an oral surgery. It is really hard to talk, burp, yawn and swallow. Whenever I swallow it feels like someone is pinching my throat. When I burp or yawn it hurts. I am still finding it hard to talk. The palate looks weird and I saw a white stuff where the excision was done. I do not know if that is normal. I called Dr. C2's office about it and his assistant didn't tell me much except that they will check it on Thursday. So much for that.
The headaches? Not sure where that is coming from. I'm taking liquid Advil and Tylenol 3 to ease the pain so I am a bit perplexed why I am getting headaches. I did notice that I get it every time I take Tylenol 3 with codeine. It is supposed to be a painkiller but, man oh man, it is doing the opposite to my noggin. I did not take it today. I've only taken Liquid Advil for kids when the pain is unbearable. So far, so good. We'll see about tomorrow. I told my cousin about it coz she's a nurse. She said Tylenol 3 might be too strong for me and agreed that I stop taking it. I'll mention this to Dr. C2 on Thursday.
Tonight I tried the other mouth guard meant for eating for the first time since the surgery. The verdict? I do not like it. I tried to eat solid food for dinner to see if I can do it. I mashed the veggies and cut the meat into tiny pieces so I do not have to chew as much. Boy, that was a struggle. I probably did not put it on properly but the mouth guard kept coming off my teeth it was just uncomfortable. It was such a struggle that I did not even attempt to finish my dinner.
Anyway, a friend told me that these pains are minor inconveniences. It will be over soon. She said I have to look on the bright side that the tumor is gone. So true.
The headaches? Not sure where that is coming from. I'm taking liquid Advil and Tylenol 3 to ease the pain so I am a bit perplexed why I am getting headaches. I did notice that I get it every time I take Tylenol 3 with codeine. It is supposed to be a painkiller but, man oh man, it is doing the opposite to my noggin. I did not take it today. I've only taken Liquid Advil for kids when the pain is unbearable. So far, so good. We'll see about tomorrow. I told my cousin about it coz she's a nurse. She said Tylenol 3 might be too strong for me and agreed that I stop taking it. I'll mention this to Dr. C2 on Thursday.
Tonight I tried the other mouth guard meant for eating for the first time since the surgery. The verdict? I do not like it. I tried to eat solid food for dinner to see if I can do it. I mashed the veggies and cut the meat into tiny pieces so I do not have to chew as much. Boy, that was a struggle. I probably did not put it on properly but the mouth guard kept coming off my teeth it was just uncomfortable. It was such a struggle that I did not even attempt to finish my dinner.
Anyway, a friend told me that these pains are minor inconveniences. It will be over soon. She said I have to look on the bright side that the tumor is gone. So true.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Have One's Heart in One's Mouth
Figuratively, it means to feel strongly about someone or something, emotionally....Or it to be nervous or scared about something. I guess they're kind of the same but I wanted a title for this post that kind of gives you an idea how I feel lately. Somehow this idiom fits the bill especially since it relates to my mouth. Hee hee.
It has been tough since the palatal surgery. The mouth guard is starting to annoy me and it is only Day 5 (I think I have three more weeks to go). I could hardly feel it but the thought that it is there is driving me up the wall. It feels like my teeth needs to be free/breathe! ;) For me, it kinda feels like having a piece of meat stuck between your teeth and you cannot remove it... I am not allowed to brush my teeth with toothpaste either (Ew!!!!!). That grosses me out. Seriously! It is hard to talk and swallow. Also the blenderized diet is not that appealing.
I'm probably going to call Dr. C2's office because I want to know if I am allowed to brush my teeth with toothpaste, eat solid food and see if the white spot on my palate is normal after surgery. I also got really sick this weekend. I was bedridden and could not do anything, I was so weak and was in pain. Nausea plus vomitting on Saturday night puts the icing on the cake, so to speak. It was not fun at all.
Our kids started asking Mark questions if I am ok. For them a good sign I'm ill is if I'm the bedroom the whole day and very weak (exactly what happened this weekend). So far we've been able to dodge the kids' questions with simple answers but I do not know how they really feel. Our eldest son is starting to give me the "look" or check up on me every now and then, similar to what he did when I had chemo. I've only managed to tell them that I do not feel well. Some may disagree, but the lesser our kids know, the better.
I have been so busy the past few weeks that I hardly had time to think about the tumor on the palate or the cyst on my breast. That's good I guess or maybe I've become numb through it all.
This morning we saw Dr. P, surgeon who did the lumpectomy two years ago. It was a consultation for the cyst found on my left breast. Like Drs. K and C, Dr. P did not feel the cyst or any lumps on my left breast. He checked it a few times in various ways. Dr. P also checked the other breast and said it is healing fine. He said the cyst is very small (less than 1 cm) and the fact that I'm experiencing pain is consistent with the symptoms of a benign cyst. Which is a good thing, according to Dr. P. At this point, nothing can be done but simply observe the cyst. A three-month breast ultrasound is in order to monitor the cyst. If it changes, Dr. P will discuss the options after I have the ultrasound in October. Hopefully it will be okay. Dr. P assured me that it is nothing to be concerned about. Exactly the words I want to hear. :)
It feels like the worst part of the recent health scares are almost over. I can breathe a sigh of relief. All I need to do is to psych myself, again, that everything will be alright.
My heart is in my mouth with all the moral support, words of encouragement and continued prayers we have received from family and friends. I am deeply touched by your kindness and I cannot thank you enough for that.
It has been tough since the palatal surgery. The mouth guard is starting to annoy me and it is only Day 5 (I think I have three more weeks to go). I could hardly feel it but the thought that it is there is driving me up the wall. It feels like my teeth needs to be free/breathe! ;) For me, it kinda feels like having a piece of meat stuck between your teeth and you cannot remove it... I am not allowed to brush my teeth with toothpaste either (Ew!!!!!). That grosses me out. Seriously! It is hard to talk and swallow. Also the blenderized diet is not that appealing.
I'm probably going to call Dr. C2's office because I want to know if I am allowed to brush my teeth with toothpaste, eat solid food and see if the white spot on my palate is normal after surgery. I also got really sick this weekend. I was bedridden and could not do anything, I was so weak and was in pain. Nausea plus vomitting on Saturday night puts the icing on the cake, so to speak. It was not fun at all.
Our kids started asking Mark questions if I am ok. For them a good sign I'm ill is if I'm the bedroom the whole day and very weak (exactly what happened this weekend). So far we've been able to dodge the kids' questions with simple answers but I do not know how they really feel. Our eldest son is starting to give me the "look" or check up on me every now and then, similar to what he did when I had chemo. I've only managed to tell them that I do not feel well. Some may disagree, but the lesser our kids know, the better.
I have been so busy the past few weeks that I hardly had time to think about the tumor on the palate or the cyst on my breast. That's good I guess or maybe I've become numb through it all.
This morning we saw Dr. P, surgeon who did the lumpectomy two years ago. It was a consultation for the cyst found on my left breast. Like Drs. K and C, Dr. P did not feel the cyst or any lumps on my left breast. He checked it a few times in various ways. Dr. P also checked the other breast and said it is healing fine. He said the cyst is very small (less than 1 cm) and the fact that I'm experiencing pain is consistent with the symptoms of a benign cyst. Which is a good thing, according to Dr. P. At this point, nothing can be done but simply observe the cyst. A three-month breast ultrasound is in order to monitor the cyst. If it changes, Dr. P will discuss the options after I have the ultrasound in October. Hopefully it will be okay. Dr. P assured me that it is nothing to be concerned about. Exactly the words I want to hear. :)
It feels like the worst part of the recent health scares are almost over. I can breathe a sigh of relief. All I need to do is to psych myself, again, that everything will be alright.
My heart is in my mouth with all the moral support, words of encouragement and continued prayers we have received from family and friends. I am deeply touched by your kindness and I cannot thank you enough for that.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Updates from a Busy Bee
It has been awhile since I posted an entry on my blog. I have been so busy with family vacations, family gatherings, medical appointments and all sorts of personal stuff that I did not have time to write anything.
The past months felt like a roller coaster ride, emotionally. I sought peer counselling, saw a psychologist, talked openly about my depression and recent health issues to family and close friends. It helps me cope and I find it therapeutic. Family vacation in a cottage far, far away from our house was a much needed break. It was the escape I yearned for and it certainly took my mind off things. It was so relaxing! That coupled with family visiting from New Jersey and I'm a happy camper.
Another way of coping is to not even think, read, watch or surf the web about anything that relates to cancer. Somehow any information on cancer, whether good or bad, stresses me out. I've decided that the best way is to ignore it or at least come up with ways not to think about the big C. I am not sure if that is denial but Dr. D said if it works for me, just do it. She said it is denial but if it helps me cope with the recent news I have had, go with it. Dr. D said that they do not preach any form of denial in medicine but she discovered that it works well with cancer patients in coping with the disease. I felt good after that meeting. So far it is also help me cope and I'll continue doing it if it will help my sanity.
Last week we met Dr. C2, and to our surprise, they booked the surgery to remove the tumor in my palate sooner than later. The surgery happened this afternoon. It lasted about 20-30 minutes but Dr. C2 did not perform the surgery, it was one of the senior residents. I forgot his name but I will call him Dr. Hottie (because he is one good looking dude with beautiful eyes. hee hee)
Anyway, the worst part was when he started freezing the palate. It hurt but Dr. Hottie did it so fast there was no time to complain. He probably froze 7-12 areas of my mouth. Not fun at all. Then he started and before I knew it, it was over. They sent the margins to the pathologist for further testing. I waited for a good 10-15 minutes but well worth the wait, all margins tested were negative for cancer! I breathe a big sigh of relief while my mouth was full of gauze and mouth guard. It was one of the best news I've had.
Two hours after the surgery, the freezing started to wear off and it was painful. It didn't help that the one of the residents forgot to write the dosage and frequency for the painkiller on the prescription!!! The mouth guard is bearable, kind of, but it does take awhile to get used to it. It is a struggle to talk, drink or swallow. No solid food or anything hot or spicy for the next week or so, doctors' orders. Everything has to be put in the blender. Yuck!
So what's next? We'll go back to Dr. C2 next Thursday for a follow-up. The good thing is the palate issue is over and done with. I now have to deal with the cyst. On Monday, August 30th, we're meeting Dr. P to discuss that. Keep your fingers crossed.
The past months felt like a roller coaster ride, emotionally. I sought peer counselling, saw a psychologist, talked openly about my depression and recent health issues to family and close friends. It helps me cope and I find it therapeutic. Family vacation in a cottage far, far away from our house was a much needed break. It was the escape I yearned for and it certainly took my mind off things. It was so relaxing! That coupled with family visiting from New Jersey and I'm a happy camper.
Another way of coping is to not even think, read, watch or surf the web about anything that relates to cancer. Somehow any information on cancer, whether good or bad, stresses me out. I've decided that the best way is to ignore it or at least come up with ways not to think about the big C. I am not sure if that is denial but Dr. D said if it works for me, just do it. She said it is denial but if it helps me cope with the recent news I have had, go with it. Dr. D said that they do not preach any form of denial in medicine but she discovered that it works well with cancer patients in coping with the disease. I felt good after that meeting. So far it is also help me cope and I'll continue doing it if it will help my sanity.
Last week we met Dr. C2, and to our surprise, they booked the surgery to remove the tumor in my palate sooner than later. The surgery happened this afternoon. It lasted about 20-30 minutes but Dr. C2 did not perform the surgery, it was one of the senior residents. I forgot his name but I will call him Dr. Hottie (because he is one good looking dude with beautiful eyes. hee hee)
Anyway, the worst part was when he started freezing the palate. It hurt but Dr. Hottie did it so fast there was no time to complain. He probably froze 7-12 areas of my mouth. Not fun at all. Then he started and before I knew it, it was over. They sent the margins to the pathologist for further testing. I waited for a good 10-15 minutes but well worth the wait, all margins tested were negative for cancer! I breathe a big sigh of relief while my mouth was full of gauze and mouth guard. It was one of the best news I've had.
Two hours after the surgery, the freezing started to wear off and it was painful. It didn't help that the one of the residents forgot to write the dosage and frequency for the painkiller on the prescription!!! The mouth guard is bearable, kind of, but it does take awhile to get used to it. It is a struggle to talk, drink or swallow. No solid food or anything hot or spicy for the next week or so, doctors' orders. Everything has to be put in the blender. Yuck!
So what's next? We'll go back to Dr. C2 next Thursday for a follow-up. The good thing is the palate issue is over and done with. I now have to deal with the cyst. On Monday, August 30th, we're meeting Dr. P to discuss that. Keep your fingers crossed.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Uncertainties
It is now day 4 since I got the news about the cyst on my left breast. I am still trying to accept it. I am confused, numb and unsure. I have not cried since Friday, until now. Maybe because the reality is slowly sinking in.
Friday, July 30, 2010
It Comes in Threes
First I had breast cancer on the right breast, second I have tumor on my palate (polymorphous low grade adenocarcinoma or PLGA) and now I have a cyst on my left breast. I cannot take it anymore!
Today we saw Dr. K for my annual check-up usually two weeks after the regular mammogram. Everything was going well. The mammogram was clear. He asked how things are with me, about my general health and how I am coping. I said it is overwhelming what's been happening to me lately but trying to stay positive. I also updated him about the PLGA and the pain on my left breast plus the breast ultrasound I had. I mentioned that I have not heard anything from Dr. C so I was wondering if he knew what the results were. He checked my file and what do you know, the results indicated I have a cyst. I was not expecting that, I was shocked. Probably moreso why Dr. C never called me about the results (she is normally good at it).
I could not believe what I was hearing. How much more can I take? Dr. K tried to come my nerves, he said it is benign and the radiologist suggested that I get follow-up ultrasounds every 3-6 months because I had breast cancer. It was a bit weird that the cyst was not captured in the mammo. Anyway, Dr. K said there is nothing to worry about. However to air on the side of caution, Dr. K suggested that I see Dr. P, my surgeon, to know what should be done with it. Dr. K and Dr. C were not able to feel the cyst, hopefully Dr. P can. Dr. K said that the next steps will be dependent on Dr. P's findings. Dr. K will send a referral letter to Dr. P explaining everything.
So my world is shattered, yet again, for the THIRD friggin' time. WTF! Strangely, I did not cry when I got the news. It could be that I could not believe my "luck" or it could be that I've become numbed with all that has been happening to me.
When I got back to work, Mark texted me to call Dr. C coz she wanted to talk or see me. I called her clinic to see what's happening and to book an appointment. The next thing I knew Dr. C was talking to me. She was very apologetic that she didn't call me right away, she just got a copy of the results of the ultrasound and wondered if I have talked to anyone about it. I said Dr. K told me everything and what his advice was. Dr. C agreed with Dr. K that I see Dr. P. Since I had her on the line I also updated her about the PLGA. Her comment was "Isn't that great? It is back to back good news for you. A benign cyst and clear results from the CT scan/MRI." I'm like, sure, whatever. I asked her a few times if I should be concerned about it, maybe to reassure myself it will be ok. She assured me and I should not worry about it.
So here we go again. Hearing the same shit, experiencing the same crap and heading up to a stressful phase. I am at my wit's end with all these health issues happening to me.
But what can I do, like I've always said, everything happens for a reason. God has plans for me. Whatever they may be, only He knows. For now all I can do is pray. Pray for strength, pray for guidance and pray for the best. Three things I'm asking for, after all, they say it comes in threes, right?
Today we saw Dr. K for my annual check-up usually two weeks after the regular mammogram. Everything was going well. The mammogram was clear. He asked how things are with me, about my general health and how I am coping. I said it is overwhelming what's been happening to me lately but trying to stay positive. I also updated him about the PLGA and the pain on my left breast plus the breast ultrasound I had. I mentioned that I have not heard anything from Dr. C so I was wondering if he knew what the results were. He checked my file and what do you know, the results indicated I have a cyst. I was not expecting that, I was shocked. Probably moreso why Dr. C never called me about the results (she is normally good at it).
I could not believe what I was hearing. How much more can I take? Dr. K tried to come my nerves, he said it is benign and the radiologist suggested that I get follow-up ultrasounds every 3-6 months because I had breast cancer. It was a bit weird that the cyst was not captured in the mammo. Anyway, Dr. K said there is nothing to worry about. However to air on the side of caution, Dr. K suggested that I see Dr. P, my surgeon, to know what should be done with it. Dr. K and Dr. C were not able to feel the cyst, hopefully Dr. P can. Dr. K said that the next steps will be dependent on Dr. P's findings. Dr. K will send a referral letter to Dr. P explaining everything.
So my world is shattered, yet again, for the THIRD friggin' time. WTF! Strangely, I did not cry when I got the news. It could be that I could not believe my "luck" or it could be that I've become numbed with all that has been happening to me.
When I got back to work, Mark texted me to call Dr. C coz she wanted to talk or see me. I called her clinic to see what's happening and to book an appointment. The next thing I knew Dr. C was talking to me. She was very apologetic that she didn't call me right away, she just got a copy of the results of the ultrasound and wondered if I have talked to anyone about it. I said Dr. K told me everything and what his advice was. Dr. C agreed with Dr. K that I see Dr. P. Since I had her on the line I also updated her about the PLGA. Her comment was "Isn't that great? It is back to back good news for you. A benign cyst and clear results from the CT scan/MRI." I'm like, sure, whatever. I asked her a few times if I should be concerned about it, maybe to reassure myself it will be ok. She assured me and I should not worry about it.
So here we go again. Hearing the same shit, experiencing the same crap and heading up to a stressful phase. I am at my wit's end with all these health issues happening to me.
But what can I do, like I've always said, everything happens for a reason. God has plans for me. Whatever they may be, only He knows. For now all I can do is pray. Pray for strength, pray for guidance and pray for the best. Three things I'm asking for, after all, they say it comes in threes, right?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The results are in!
The minutes leading up to my appointment was nerve wracking. I was sitting in a dental chair and I could here the residents talking about my case. Resident lady explained to the chief resident the history, the biopsy, CT scan and MRI results. They were talking right outside the room I was at! I told Mark, he listened, and the discussion was very technical. I covered my ears and did not want to hear it. My heart was pounding.
Resident lady finally came and asked how I was. I said well, it all depends on what she would tell us. She gave me a weird look and said "well the thing is Dr. C2 is not here today". I was like "what?!?!" Resident lady made a mistake of booking me on a day Dr. C2 was away. Great. However, she did tell us the results of the CT scan and MRI, there was no "involvement" in the bones or any part of my head/neck. In english, it did not affect my bones. I took a deep breath and gave a big sigh of relief! Whew!!!! I was so relieved that tears started, but they were tears of joy!!!! It was like a big weight was lifted off my chest.
Resident lady said I had the best tests there is in the country that would help the medical team decide what surgery to do. And the results show it was negative. She did point out that it could still be totally different when they do the surgery. After they remove the tumor they have to do more tests to check any margin exists. But based from the two tests, it looks like it will be ok.
The chief resident decided not to see me because he thinks that it is best that Dr. C2 meet with us and discuss the surgery the way the specialist plans to do it, rather than the chief resident giving us the wrong information. Makes sense. That will be another three weeks before we meet Dr. C2. That's alright because for now I am doing the happy dance and suddenly my world looks brighter again.
Thank you God for your generosity and in answering my/our prayers. God is great! :)
Resident lady finally came and asked how I was. I said well, it all depends on what she would tell us. She gave me a weird look and said "well the thing is Dr. C2 is not here today". I was like "what?!?!" Resident lady made a mistake of booking me on a day Dr. C2 was away. Great. However, she did tell us the results of the CT scan and MRI, there was no "involvement" in the bones or any part of my head/neck. In english, it did not affect my bones. I took a deep breath and gave a big sigh of relief! Whew!!!! I was so relieved that tears started, but they were tears of joy!!!! It was like a big weight was lifted off my chest.
Resident lady said I had the best tests there is in the country that would help the medical team decide what surgery to do. And the results show it was negative. She did point out that it could still be totally different when they do the surgery. After they remove the tumor they have to do more tests to check any margin exists. But based from the two tests, it looks like it will be ok.
The chief resident decided not to see me because he thinks that it is best that Dr. C2 meet with us and discuss the surgery the way the specialist plans to do it, rather than the chief resident giving us the wrong information. Makes sense. That will be another three weeks before we meet Dr. C2. That's alright because for now I am doing the happy dance and suddenly my world looks brighter again.
Thank you God for your generosity and in answering my/our prayers. God is great! :)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
MRI
I had the MRI yesterday. I was really anxious before my appointment. I didn't know what to expect. I was nervous. It was my first time to have an MRI. I was more anxious about going into the machine than I was about the procedure. I'm claustrophobic. Hubby told me to relax since it is just another test. I took Ativan for sedation one hour before my appointment. Then I felt my body started to relax after 10-20 minutes. Thank goodness I did that.
Since they had to inject a radiation dye for the procedure, they had to find a vein on my left arm (again!). You know the ol' saying that goes, if at first you don't succeed, try and try again, that applies to my left arm whenever a needle has to be used. Yesterday it took two times before they found the vein on my wrist. The first one left a bad bruise on my arm, the bruise is about the size of four fingers put together.
Then it was my turn. A co-worker of mine gave me the best tip, to close my eyes before the MRI started. I did just that as soon as I lied down on the machine and didn't open them until they told me I was done. Another help was the cloth they provided me to cover my eyes, sweet! I was also given a panic button, just in case.
They hauled me in and it started. Boy, that machine was loud!!! I'm glad I had those earplugs. Funny as it may sound I was half asleep throughout the process. In fact I think I even dreamt! The sedation was awesome! I was so relaxed! You can't really go into deep sleep because of the sound and the technologists talked to me a few times to check if I'm ok and what would happen next. In the middle of the procedure, they injected the radiation dye, it didn't hurt at all. Before I knew it, it was done.
After the procedure, Dr. C3 talked to me. Since I was still sedated at that time, I was not really sure if I understood half of what he told me. If I got it right, I think Dr. C3 said that he saw the results of the CT scan and did not look like it affected the bones. Don't celebrate yet coz I might have heard the wrong thing. At that time he has yet to see the complete MRI tests. Dr. C3 also said that if Dr. C2 is not satisfied with the results, he could order more tests, although Dr. C3 doesn't think so. Dr. C3 also said that he knows what he's looking for in the MRI/CT scan results and he will advise Dr. C2 what his findings are.
So tomorrow, we will get all the results, CT scan and MRI. We're meeting Dr. C2 and discuss the surgery. I'm getting anxious again. I am so fed up when doctors tell me not to worry and that it will be nothing, because quite frankly I interpret that as something is fishy. So the anxiety begins from tonight until tomorrow morning. What lies ahead of me, will it be a news I can accept or something else? Stay tuned.
Since they had to inject a radiation dye for the procedure, they had to find a vein on my left arm (again!). You know the ol' saying that goes, if at first you don't succeed, try and try again, that applies to my left arm whenever a needle has to be used. Yesterday it took two times before they found the vein on my wrist. The first one left a bad bruise on my arm, the bruise is about the size of four fingers put together.
Then it was my turn. A co-worker of mine gave me the best tip, to close my eyes before the MRI started. I did just that as soon as I lied down on the machine and didn't open them until they told me I was done. Another help was the cloth they provided me to cover my eyes, sweet! I was also given a panic button, just in case.
They hauled me in and it started. Boy, that machine was loud!!! I'm glad I had those earplugs. Funny as it may sound I was half asleep throughout the process. In fact I think I even dreamt! The sedation was awesome! I was so relaxed! You can't really go into deep sleep because of the sound and the technologists talked to me a few times to check if I'm ok and what would happen next. In the middle of the procedure, they injected the radiation dye, it didn't hurt at all. Before I knew it, it was done.
After the procedure, Dr. C3 talked to me. Since I was still sedated at that time, I was not really sure if I understood half of what he told me. If I got it right, I think Dr. C3 said that he saw the results of the CT scan and did not look like it affected the bones. Don't celebrate yet coz I might have heard the wrong thing. At that time he has yet to see the complete MRI tests. Dr. C3 also said that if Dr. C2 is not satisfied with the results, he could order more tests, although Dr. C3 doesn't think so. Dr. C3 also said that he knows what he's looking for in the MRI/CT scan results and he will advise Dr. C2 what his findings are.
So tomorrow, we will get all the results, CT scan and MRI. We're meeting Dr. C2 and discuss the surgery. I'm getting anxious again. I am so fed up when doctors tell me not to worry and that it will be nothing, because quite frankly I interpret that as something is fishy. So the anxiety begins from tonight until tomorrow morning. What lies ahead of me, will it be a news I can accept or something else? Stay tuned.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Deja Vu
Today we went to downtown Toronto to meet the oral specialist. After filling up a lot of hospital forms and got my hospital card, the nurse told us a resident would meet with us. I immediately asked "Resident? I'm here to see Dr. C2!" After all this time I did not come to this appointment to see a resident. I need to see a specialist. Duh! So the nurse told Dr. C2 I wanted to talk to him.
Anyway, Resident lady still came, she asked all the necessary questions and my medical history. She checked everything from my neck up and the palate. Resident lady couldn't see the tumor until I showed her. She said it was so small. Well after that, Dr. C2 finally came. He pretty much said the same things as Dr. A told us, nothing really new, except maybe he gave us more details about the surgery and recovery period. Dr. C2 did confirm the tumor is non-invasive and surgery is the treatment. I asked if there is a chance of recurrence after it is removed. He said no. That is one bit of good news.
Dr. C2 also confirmed that the tumor is very rare and that it is best that the surgery/treatment be made at their hospital in downtown Toronto. They have dealt with a couple of cases in the past and are familiar with it. Would you believe my case is quite rare that another resident knocked on the door and asked if he can see it. I even managed to make a joke, "Want to see it? It's rare!". Resident dude agreed, he told us that he's seen only two cases since he started, roughly five years, both of those cases were in the States, not Canada. Geez, that's "reassuring"... not.
Dr. C2 wanted me to have a CT scan and MRI. The surgery will depend on the CT scan results. Luckily they were able to squeeze me in this afternoon at 4:00 pm for a CT scan. So we waited, had a late lunch, and went back to the hospital.
Prior to the CT scan, we met Dr. C3, he was the radiologist that specializes in the head/neck area and is familiar with the case I have. Dr. C3 explained to us that the CT scan will only be on my head/neck area and it will show the extent of the tumor, if it has affected my bones. It will determine what type of surgery Dr. C2 will perform. Dr. C3 said that he will also do an MRI (at a later date), to see if the lymph nodes, tissues and other areas have been affected. He told us that there is no need for me to worry why I need an MRI on top of the CT scan. Dr. C3 said it will help him study my case thoroughly.
I was called in for the CT scan. An x-ray or radiation dye had to be injected to help the scan. Nurse 1 tried at least three times to find a vein from my left arm, no luck. They were painful. Memories when I was hospitalized when I had chemo flashed through my mind. Nurse 2 came and tried a couple of times. She said my veins were so hard it felt like tendons and that made it hard to fine a suitable vein where the needle was inserted. Painful but bearable.
Then the scanning started. I could not move and was not allowed to swallow then the dye was released through my system. I was totally fine until the dye entered my body. It hurt and it brought back memories when I had chemo. I could not control my tears, at the same time tried not to move. It was deja vu. Same $h!t I had before. It was just too much to handle. It was done after 10 minutes or so. Nurse 2 asked if I cried because she saw the tears down my neck. I told her that it just brought back memories from the past, memories that are still fresh in my mind.
Next Thursday we'll meet with Dr. C2 to discuss the surgery. There is a two to nine months wait for the surgery. Yes that's how long it will take to do it here, blame our healthcare system. He assured me the tumor will not get any bigger because it is non invasive. We're also waiting for their call about the MRI. More waiting time but I'm hoping for the best.
Anyway, Resident lady still came, she asked all the necessary questions and my medical history. She checked everything from my neck up and the palate. Resident lady couldn't see the tumor until I showed her. She said it was so small. Well after that, Dr. C2 finally came. He pretty much said the same things as Dr. A told us, nothing really new, except maybe he gave us more details about the surgery and recovery period. Dr. C2 did confirm the tumor is non-invasive and surgery is the treatment. I asked if there is a chance of recurrence after it is removed. He said no. That is one bit of good news.
Dr. C2 also confirmed that the tumor is very rare and that it is best that the surgery/treatment be made at their hospital in downtown Toronto. They have dealt with a couple of cases in the past and are familiar with it. Would you believe my case is quite rare that another resident knocked on the door and asked if he can see it. I even managed to make a joke, "Want to see it? It's rare!". Resident dude agreed, he told us that he's seen only two cases since he started, roughly five years, both of those cases were in the States, not Canada. Geez, that's "reassuring"... not.
Dr. C2 wanted me to have a CT scan and MRI. The surgery will depend on the CT scan results. Luckily they were able to squeeze me in this afternoon at 4:00 pm for a CT scan. So we waited, had a late lunch, and went back to the hospital.
Prior to the CT scan, we met Dr. C3, he was the radiologist that specializes in the head/neck area and is familiar with the case I have. Dr. C3 explained to us that the CT scan will only be on my head/neck area and it will show the extent of the tumor, if it has affected my bones. It will determine what type of surgery Dr. C2 will perform. Dr. C3 said that he will also do an MRI (at a later date), to see if the lymph nodes, tissues and other areas have been affected. He told us that there is no need for me to worry why I need an MRI on top of the CT scan. Dr. C3 said it will help him study my case thoroughly.
I was called in for the CT scan. An x-ray or radiation dye had to be injected to help the scan. Nurse 1 tried at least three times to find a vein from my left arm, no luck. They were painful. Memories when I was hospitalized when I had chemo flashed through my mind. Nurse 2 came and tried a couple of times. She said my veins were so hard it felt like tendons and that made it hard to fine a suitable vein where the needle was inserted. Painful but bearable.
Then the scanning started. I could not move and was not allowed to swallow then the dye was released through my system. I was totally fine until the dye entered my body. It hurt and it brought back memories when I had chemo. I could not control my tears, at the same time tried not to move. It was deja vu. Same $h!t I had before. It was just too much to handle. It was done after 10 minutes or so. Nurse 2 asked if I cried because she saw the tears down my neck. I told her that it just brought back memories from the past, memories that are still fresh in my mind.
Next Thursday we'll meet with Dr. C2 to discuss the surgery. There is a two to nine months wait for the surgery. Yes that's how long it will take to do it here, blame our healthcare system. He assured me the tumor will not get any bigger because it is non invasive. We're also waiting for their call about the MRI. More waiting time but I'm hoping for the best.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Mentally Drained
Oh what a stressful week it has been, mentally!!! I was happy because I was on vacation. All that crumbled and turned into anxiety, depression, fear and worried sick about my health.
It all started last Tuesday when I had my annual mammo and left breast ultrasound. I think the mammo was ok but my blood pressure sky rocketed when I was almost done with the breast ultrasound. I tried to take a peak at the images on the screen. The techie lady was moving the mouse-like scanner over my breast, pressed it as hard as she could. It was done but before she discharged me, the lady told me to stay put because she wants to a doctor before I leave. Horrible thoughts flashed through my mind that instant, it was the same crap I had when they found the lump on my right breast. I was terrified. I was numb. After 10-20 minutes, which felt like an eternity, the techie lady told me I can go.
I called Mark as soon as I got out of the room and I just balled my eyes out. I was extremely scared and was ready to give up that it was like reliving the past. Mark, bless his heart, said everything to calm my nerves but it was useless. I cried so bad, it was depressing. I left the hospital, completely psyched myself and tried to put brave face on because I had to pick up our kids from my in-laws. I was afraid to go home because I was terrified of getting a phone call from Dr. C. I did everything to keep my mind off it and went out with the kids. I was in a zone and my mind was blank. Totally terrified! It was nerve wracking and felt my heart stopped everytime our phone rang last week. But fortunately, I did not get the call from Dr. C. Whew! I was fine after that and even had fun whatever was left of my vacation.
And then came today.... I was fine most of the day then I started feeling sick early this evening. The right side of my head is aching. It feels like my right eye hurts. It could be migraine. But then it could be something else. The anxiety that it could be related to the palate is driving me nuts. God I hope not.
The stress meter is rising again because we will finally meet the specialist in downtown Toronto on Wednesday. Please pray for me. The last thing I need these days is stress and basically that is what I have had the past few weeks. It is not helping me at all. I will do anything just to relieve the stress because quite frankly it is draining me out, physically, emotionally and mentally.
It all started last Tuesday when I had my annual mammo and left breast ultrasound. I think the mammo was ok but my blood pressure sky rocketed when I was almost done with the breast ultrasound. I tried to take a peak at the images on the screen. The techie lady was moving the mouse-like scanner over my breast, pressed it as hard as she could. It was done but before she discharged me, the lady told me to stay put because she wants to a doctor before I leave. Horrible thoughts flashed through my mind that instant, it was the same crap I had when they found the lump on my right breast. I was terrified. I was numb. After 10-20 minutes, which felt like an eternity, the techie lady told me I can go.
I called Mark as soon as I got out of the room and I just balled my eyes out. I was extremely scared and was ready to give up that it was like reliving the past. Mark, bless his heart, said everything to calm my nerves but it was useless. I cried so bad, it was depressing. I left the hospital, completely psyched myself and tried to put brave face on because I had to pick up our kids from my in-laws. I was afraid to go home because I was terrified of getting a phone call from Dr. C. I did everything to keep my mind off it and went out with the kids. I was in a zone and my mind was blank. Totally terrified! It was nerve wracking and felt my heart stopped everytime our phone rang last week. But fortunately, I did not get the call from Dr. C. Whew! I was fine after that and even had fun whatever was left of my vacation.
And then came today.... I was fine most of the day then I started feeling sick early this evening. The right side of my head is aching. It feels like my right eye hurts. It could be migraine. But then it could be something else. The anxiety that it could be related to the palate is driving me nuts. God I hope not.
The stress meter is rising again because we will finally meet the specialist in downtown Toronto on Wednesday. Please pray for me. The last thing I need these days is stress and basically that is what I have had the past few weeks. It is not helping me at all. I will do anything just to relieve the stress because quite frankly it is draining me out, physically, emotionally and mentally.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Free Again
The past couple of weeks I've been contemplating on having my hair cut - a) shave it; b) go to a mom and pop hair salon and get it cut for a cheaper price; or c); or go to my favorite hairstylist, a pro and charges a lot. I was leaning towards "b)" but the past couple of times I did that, I was disappointed, very basic cuts that didn't do anything for me. Option "a)" was a bit nerve wracking since I'm still traumatized or still have bad memories when my hair was shaved prior to chemo. My cousin, B, convinced me that go for option "c)" - go to my favorite stylist who knows my hair more than anyone and also the fact that she's a very good with what she does. B said, although it's pricey, the satisfaction of getting a good haircut plus how it will boost my confidence will be priceless.
And so I did, today I got a haircut with my favorite stylist, H. I was kind of nervous before my appointment. The salon was at the mall, right across my work, worried my co-workers will see me "au naturel". I also wasn't sure how H would react to my ever-so-thin hair/bald spot. But all those "fears" disappeared when we talked. She made me feel at ease and relaxed (I swear stylists can also be good shrinks coz they know how to lift a woman's spirits!). I showed her pictures of Victoria Beckham and a few other models with a pixie haircut/style. H loved all the pictures I showed her and said it will suit my style/face. She did say the texture of my hair is totally different - it's thin and curly whereas before it was wavy and thick. Anyway, it felt like I was back to my old self when she did her "magic" to make my hair look more stylish.
Afterwards, it looked much better than this morning. The curls were gone (for now, until it grows back). I left the salon feeling confident. And for the first time since I got my hair back, I drove without any bandana or wig. It felt.. oh... so... GOOOOOD!!! Like my head could breathe again. I rolled the windows down and I felt the wind blowing on my thin but short hair. It was free again.
I cannot describe how awesome it felt. The past few days have been one heck of an emotional roller coaster ride for me. But today, all the emotional stress I've had this week seems to have been blown away by this new confidence, all because of a simple haircut. I can safely say my "crowning glory" is slowly but surely coming back. Oh what a feeling!
And so I did, today I got a haircut with my favorite stylist, H. I was kind of nervous before my appointment. The salon was at the mall, right across my work, worried my co-workers will see me "au naturel". I also wasn't sure how H would react to my ever-so-thin hair/bald spot. But all those "fears" disappeared when we talked. She made me feel at ease and relaxed (I swear stylists can also be good shrinks coz they know how to lift a woman's spirits!). I showed her pictures of Victoria Beckham and a few other models with a pixie haircut/style. H loved all the pictures I showed her and said it will suit my style/face. She did say the texture of my hair is totally different - it's thin and curly whereas before it was wavy and thick. Anyway, it felt like I was back to my old self when she did her "magic" to make my hair look more stylish.
Afterwards, it looked much better than this morning. The curls were gone (for now, until it grows back). I left the salon feeling confident. And for the first time since I got my hair back, I drove without any bandana or wig. It felt.. oh... so... GOOOOOD!!! Like my head could breathe again. I rolled the windows down and I felt the wind blowing on my thin but short hair. It was free again.
I cannot describe how awesome it felt. The past few days have been one heck of an emotional roller coaster ride for me. But today, all the emotional stress I've had this week seems to have been blown away by this new confidence, all because of a simple haircut. I can safely say my "crowning glory" is slowly but surely coming back. Oh what a feeling!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Running Out of Luck
I saw Dr. C today. She checked my breasts because I've been having pains on the left side. Dr. C didn't feel anything but she ordered a breast ultrasound (finally!) just to be sure.
Anyway, I also saw Dr. C to let her know that I was recently diagnosed with polymorphous low grade adenocarcinoma of the palate or PLGA for short, after all she is my family doctor. She was very sympathetic when I told her what's happened in the last month and all she could say was it's very unfortunate, how was I handling it, take it one day at a time, you know, the usual schpiel. Based from our conversation I sensed that what I have is not really that good or not as easy as what Dr. A led me to believe was nothing. Dr. C didn't offer anything positive about PLGA. Dr. C said that if it was a regular cyst, I shouldn't worry about it, however the fact that it's low-grade means it is something else. Of course, after hearing those words, my mind was going a mile a minute. The anxiety level went up but I still managed to put up a brave face. The only positive thing she said was the hospital I'm going to is one of the best and the treatment in the oral surgeon field are excellent. Even though I still do not have a clue who my doctor will be it is good to know that I'll be dealing with one of the best medical teams in our area, at least that's positive.
Dr. C and I talked for a bit and she touched on the issue of work and family. Dr. C said that it might be a wake up call for me after having two types of cancer to rethink my priorities in life. Spend more time with family and not to let my work lead my life. Was quitting my job an option? No. Can I work part time? Maybe. Can I find a less stressful job at work? Yes. Dr. C said I should have a good balance of family and work.
These have been on my mind the whole day so I surfed the net tonight to get more info about PLGA. I googled it and the results are minimal, less than 80,000 results popped and only 387 pages in Canada. Not a good start.
What I found out was very depressing. PLGA is a very rare type of cancer of the salivary glands. Yes, it's rare. (WTF! I cannot believe it. That's probably why Dr. C talked to me the way she did.) Most articles I read said that the treatment is to have a surgery and to ensure regular, very careful and systematic check-ups happen after the operation. However, some people do have recurrence which led to death after a few months. Among the few who were diagnosed with PLGA, majority didn't have any recurrence. Dear God, I hope I will belong to the latter group for our sons' sake.
I have been crying since I read it's a rare type of cancer. I'm scared. All I can think of is our kids. Are my days here on earth numbered? Just when I thought I recovered from my bout against breast cancer, I'm back to square one, battling yet another cancer, a very rare one at that! It is so depressing!!! Am I running out of luck?
Staying positive will be harder this time but that's the only thing that will keep me sane. Searching for that silver lining, a glimmer of hope that everything will be ok, eventually.
Anyway, I also saw Dr. C to let her know that I was recently diagnosed with polymorphous low grade adenocarcinoma of the palate or PLGA for short, after all she is my family doctor. She was very sympathetic when I told her what's happened in the last month and all she could say was it's very unfortunate, how was I handling it, take it one day at a time, you know, the usual schpiel. Based from our conversation I sensed that what I have is not really that good or not as easy as what Dr. A led me to believe was nothing. Dr. C didn't offer anything positive about PLGA. Dr. C said that if it was a regular cyst, I shouldn't worry about it, however the fact that it's low-grade means it is something else. Of course, after hearing those words, my mind was going a mile a minute. The anxiety level went up but I still managed to put up a brave face. The only positive thing she said was the hospital I'm going to is one of the best and the treatment in the oral surgeon field are excellent. Even though I still do not have a clue who my doctor will be it is good to know that I'll be dealing with one of the best medical teams in our area, at least that's positive.
Dr. C and I talked for a bit and she touched on the issue of work and family. Dr. C said that it might be a wake up call for me after having two types of cancer to rethink my priorities in life. Spend more time with family and not to let my work lead my life. Was quitting my job an option? No. Can I work part time? Maybe. Can I find a less stressful job at work? Yes. Dr. C said I should have a good balance of family and work.
These have been on my mind the whole day so I surfed the net tonight to get more info about PLGA. I googled it and the results are minimal, less than 80,000 results popped and only 387 pages in Canada. Not a good start.
What I found out was very depressing. PLGA is a very rare type of cancer of the salivary glands. Yes, it's rare. (WTF! I cannot believe it. That's probably why Dr. C talked to me the way she did.) Most articles I read said that the treatment is to have a surgery and to ensure regular, very careful and systematic check-ups happen after the operation. However, some people do have recurrence which led to death after a few months. Among the few who were diagnosed with PLGA, majority didn't have any recurrence. Dear God, I hope I will belong to the latter group for our sons' sake.
I have been crying since I read it's a rare type of cancer. I'm scared. All I can think of is our kids. Are my days here on earth numbered? Just when I thought I recovered from my bout against breast cancer, I'm back to square one, battling yet another cancer, a very rare one at that! It is so depressing!!! Am I running out of luck?
Staying positive will be harder this time but that's the only thing that will keep me sane. Searching for that silver lining, a glimmer of hope that everything will be ok, eventually.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Snapshots
I just finished uploading our kids' latest pictures to my Facebook account. Since I have the camera, I decided to take pictures of myself. I'm not a narcissist but I wanted to find out what my hair looks like these days. Of course I can see the front but not the crown or the back. What I saw was a bit depressing and disappointing. Ugh! I can't believe I did that.
So this will be the "world premier" or "unveiling" of the current state of my hair. Nobody's seen it except for my family. Sorry if it's disgusting but it's what I have right now. I don't know why I'm doing this, I'm not drunk, I'm sober. I think it is just the right time, so bear with me.
The first shot looks like that of an old man with a bald spot. Yuck! Make no mistake, that's my "crowning glory". It's exactly why I'm still wear my wig nor do I have the guts to go wig-free at work.
The following pictures shows what I look like these days without my wig on. I brushed my hair prior to taking the pictures so I won't look like Broom-hilda or the Witch from the Wizard of Oz. It looks half decent as long as I don't bend or look down coz I get very conscious of the bald spots. I wouldn't dare show you what it looks like after I take a shower, might give you the creeps ;) LOL :D
So this will be the "world premier" or "unveiling" of the current state of my hair. Nobody's seen it except for my family. Sorry if it's disgusting but it's what I have right now. I don't know why I'm doing this, I'm not drunk, I'm sober. I think it is just the right time, so bear with me.
The first shot looks like that of an old man with a bald spot. Yuck! Make no mistake, that's my "crowning glory". It's exactly why I'm still wear my wig nor do I have the guts to go wig-free at work.
I'm getting impatient. I'm using every natural product I can get a hold of, coconut oil and aloe vera for shampoo/conditioner. It has started growing ever so slowly, curly and oh so thin, something I'm not used to at all. Pre-chemo my hair was thick and grows like weed. Post-chemo, 13 months after, my hair is back but is not the same as before. Whoever told me pre-chemo days that my hair will grow back thicker and faster should be eating there words now, coz frankly it isn't.
But I should stay positive coz on the bright side, it's growing and better than nothing. :)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Cancer anyone?
What are the freakin' odds I'll get cancer not once but twice all within two years? Yup, you read it right, two types of cancer.
Yesterday was another big blow to my already shattered world. Dr. A confirmed the "thing" on my right posterior palate that I've had so many years is a tumor. It's called Polymorphous low grade adenocarcinoma. I could not believe it when Dr. A did say it was a tumor. I was so shocked that my whole body was numb. I didn't cry and was proud that I actually had enough strength (thank you God!) while we were talking to Dr. A. Mark was with me.
According to Dr. A, it is not the type of tumor that spreads nor is it a type of cancer. (Uhm, isn't "carcinoma" the scientific name of cancer? Duh!) He said that it is very slow growing tumor and normally ignored by people diagnosed with the disease. Dr. A said that since it's so slow, doesn't bug those affected by it that it gets forgotten until it is too late. He was a bit frustrated that I didn't go see a doctor sooner, like three or four years ago when I first detected it. My excuse was I thought it was a blister and it doesn't bug me so I didn't see the need to have it checked. (Note to self: go see a doctor ASAP if you notice any bumps in your body, coz quite honestly I've had the tumor even before I had breast cancer!)
Mark asked if surgery is necessary. Dr. A said that like any tumor it has to be removed. If it lingers chances are it will get worse. I say take it off as soon as possible!
The silver lining, as Mark would call it, is that I do not need chemo or radiation. Oral surgery is the only way to take it off. Mark said it will be a minor inconvenience or setback but nothing I need to worry about. Easier said than done especially if you'd had a bout against cancer like me.
So what's next? Dr. A referred me to a specialist in downtown Toronto since he doesn't know anyone from my hometown. A CT scan or MRI will be done to see how far it's gone or if it has affected my bones. I hope I can see a specialist within the next couple of weeks.
Just before we left Dr. A's clinic I lost it and started crying. I wasn't sure if I was crying because it was such a relief to hear I won't undergo chemo/radiation again or the fact that I have another type of tumor. In my world, tumor is a tumor and cancer is cancer, no matter what or how you tell me. It is frustrating to say the least, and now I'm kicking/hating myself for not doing anything about it years before. But what's done is done and I can't do much about it, except move forward. Be thankful that my gut instinct told me to finally do something about it and I did.
Thinking positive after this big blow will be challenging. I have yet to come to terms with this news. It's hard to accept especially since I just bounced back to my old self after beating breast cancer. There I was starting to feel good about myself and my health, then bam! I got knocked out again.
However, in spite of it all, I think this is another challenge that I have to face and maybe has its reasons why I got it. Like I always said everything happens for a reason. Prayers have been my biggest defense and so far God has not disappointed me. But I do hope and pray that this will be the last "C" for me, I've had my share. So God, please help me.
Yesterday was another big blow to my already shattered world. Dr. A confirmed the "thing" on my right posterior palate that I've had so many years is a tumor. It's called Polymorphous low grade adenocarcinoma. I could not believe it when Dr. A did say it was a tumor. I was so shocked that my whole body was numb. I didn't cry and was proud that I actually had enough strength (thank you God!) while we were talking to Dr. A. Mark was with me.
According to Dr. A, it is not the type of tumor that spreads nor is it a type of cancer. (Uhm, isn't "carcinoma" the scientific name of cancer? Duh!) He said that it is very slow growing tumor and normally ignored by people diagnosed with the disease. Dr. A said that since it's so slow, doesn't bug those affected by it that it gets forgotten until it is too late. He was a bit frustrated that I didn't go see a doctor sooner, like three or four years ago when I first detected it. My excuse was I thought it was a blister and it doesn't bug me so I didn't see the need to have it checked. (Note to self: go see a doctor ASAP if you notice any bumps in your body, coz quite honestly I've had the tumor even before I had breast cancer!)
Mark asked if surgery is necessary. Dr. A said that like any tumor it has to be removed. If it lingers chances are it will get worse. I say take it off as soon as possible!
The silver lining, as Mark would call it, is that I do not need chemo or radiation. Oral surgery is the only way to take it off. Mark said it will be a minor inconvenience or setback but nothing I need to worry about. Easier said than done especially if you'd had a bout against cancer like me.
So what's next? Dr. A referred me to a specialist in downtown Toronto since he doesn't know anyone from my hometown. A CT scan or MRI will be done to see how far it's gone or if it has affected my bones. I hope I can see a specialist within the next couple of weeks.
Just before we left Dr. A's clinic I lost it and started crying. I wasn't sure if I was crying because it was such a relief to hear I won't undergo chemo/radiation again or the fact that I have another type of tumor. In my world, tumor is a tumor and cancer is cancer, no matter what or how you tell me. It is frustrating to say the least, and now I'm kicking/hating myself for not doing anything about it years before. But what's done is done and I can't do much about it, except move forward. Be thankful that my gut instinct told me to finally do something about it and I did.
Thinking positive after this big blow will be challenging. I have yet to come to terms with this news. It's hard to accept especially since I just bounced back to my old self after beating breast cancer. There I was starting to feel good about myself and my health, then bam! I got knocked out again.
However, in spite of it all, I think this is another challenge that I have to face and maybe has its reasons why I got it. Like I always said everything happens for a reason. Prayers have been my biggest defense and so far God has not disappointed me. But I do hope and pray that this will be the last "C" for me, I've had my share. So God, please help me.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Two agonizing days
I got a call from Dr. A's office late yesterday afternoon. His assistant's exact words were: "we got the biopsy results back and Dr. A wants to see you as soon as possible". Oh shit! My heart started to pound uncontrollably and I tried to hold back my tears. It's like deja vu when Dr. P's assistant called me to see him right away. I was a mess at work. It's like my world stood still for a couple of minutes. What now? It didn't help that I was already stressed at work.
I emailed my hubby right away about the news. I was panicking. He tried to calm me down, said think positive thoughts since we don't have a clue what is on my palate. I was a nervous wreck at work.
When I came home I lost my composure. Broke down into tears as soon as I was in our bedroom. I'm scared! I'm terrified! Anxiety level sky-rocketed. It was like re-living my worst nightmare. I am such a worry wart. Anyway, after crying for at least half an hour, I felt numb, like I was in a zone. Somehow I managed to get my composure back and put on a brave face for my kids. It is so hard to look calm/collected in front of them when in fact the inner me is in torture and very anxious.
"THE" day will be this Monday at 4:30 pm. Two agonizing days before I'll know what I have. Hubby will be with me for moral support. I think I will need all the support I can get come Monday afternoon, it can't come any sooner. Wish me luck.
I emailed my hubby right away about the news. I was panicking. He tried to calm me down, said think positive thoughts since we don't have a clue what is on my palate. I was a nervous wreck at work.
When I came home I lost my composure. Broke down into tears as soon as I was in our bedroom. I'm scared! I'm terrified! Anxiety level sky-rocketed. It was like re-living my worst nightmare. I am such a worry wart. Anyway, after crying for at least half an hour, I felt numb, like I was in a zone. Somehow I managed to get my composure back and put on a brave face for my kids. It is so hard to look calm/collected in front of them when in fact the inner me is in torture and very anxious.
"THE" day will be this Monday at 4:30 pm. Two agonizing days before I'll know what I have. Hubby will be with me for moral support. I think I will need all the support I can get come Monday afternoon, it can't come any sooner. Wish me luck.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Say Aaah
I had the biopsy done on June 17th. It wasn't what I expected. I thought that after they freeze my palate that they will use an injection to take a sample similar to what they did with my breast. Little did I know it was totally different.
It took about 30 minutes to do the biopsy. I was not allowed to gargle so you can just imagine my throat getting dry and my mouth wide open for 30 minutes, it wasn't fun. Halfway through the procedure, I felt some sort of floss/thread in my mouth. I was thinking why should they floss my teeth. So I asked Dr. A, what's happening. He said "one of your blood vessels won't stop bleeding sweetie". I panicked. He told me to "relax sweetie" and before I knew it he was done with the biopsy.
Dr. A prescribed an antibiotic and told me to take Tylenol for the pain. But I wanted to know what will happen next. I tried to squeeze out more info from him. When will he take the whole thing off? Where will the surgery be done? Dr. A said that the next step will all depend what the results will be. They won't get it for another two to three weeks. It might require to completely remove it or not. It could be taken off in his clinic or at another place (he didn't say where but I'm pretty sure he meant the hospital, gulp!). Nerve wracking!
But Dr. A said he thinks it's nothing and it looks benign. He said "Don't put much thought about it into your head sweetie. Relax and I'm sure it will be fine". Easier said than done. After what I've been through with breast cancer? Not a chance. Luckily, I've been so busy at work that I hardly have time to think about it.
Anyway, when I got home the freezing subsided and the pain was unbearable. I wasn't allowed to eat/drink anything hot, only at room temperature. So I had a banana and a glass of water that night and went to bed. To this day I'm having a hard time swallowing. His nurse said it will be much better in a week.
This brings back bad memories why I hate going to a dentist and say "aaah".
It took about 30 minutes to do the biopsy. I was not allowed to gargle so you can just imagine my throat getting dry and my mouth wide open for 30 minutes, it wasn't fun. Halfway through the procedure, I felt some sort of floss/thread in my mouth. I was thinking why should they floss my teeth. So I asked Dr. A, what's happening. He said "one of your blood vessels won't stop bleeding sweetie". I panicked. He told me to "relax sweetie" and before I knew it he was done with the biopsy.
Dr. A prescribed an antibiotic and told me to take Tylenol for the pain. But I wanted to know what will happen next. I tried to squeeze out more info from him. When will he take the whole thing off? Where will the surgery be done? Dr. A said that the next step will all depend what the results will be. They won't get it for another two to three weeks. It might require to completely remove it or not. It could be taken off in his clinic or at another place (he didn't say where but I'm pretty sure he meant the hospital, gulp!). Nerve wracking!
But Dr. A said he thinks it's nothing and it looks benign. He said "Don't put much thought about it into your head sweetie. Relax and I'm sure it will be fine". Easier said than done. After what I've been through with breast cancer? Not a chance. Luckily, I've been so busy at work that I hardly have time to think about it.
Anyway, when I got home the freezing subsided and the pain was unbearable. I wasn't allowed to eat/drink anything hot, only at room temperature. So I had a banana and a glass of water that night and went to bed. To this day I'm having a hard time swallowing. His nurse said it will be much better in a week.
This brings back bad memories why I hate going to a dentist and say "aaah".
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
$h!t Happens...
Scene 1 - Dental office, regular cleaning appointment
Me (nonchalantly): Hey Dr. J, can you check what's on my palate? I can feel a blister like bump. It doesn't bug me, doesn't hurt nor is it growing.
Dr J: Yup, I see it's about 2cm x 2cm. How long have you had it?
Me: I dunno, forever? Maybe at least a couple of years.
Dr J: I'd like you to see a specialist just to make sure. It's probably nothing but better safe than sorry. It could be a bacteria, a cyst or infection
Uhm... I heard cyst...my heart skipped a beat! Oh no not again!!!!
Scene 2 - Specialist`s office
I saw Dr. A, asked me all the regular questions on new patients, my health history and why I was there. Fast forward, he examined my palate.
Dr. A: OK, I do see the bump and I would like to order a biopsy just to make sure what it is.
Me: (heart pounding like crazy) BIOPSY?! Why what is it?
Dr. A: It could be a number of things, we just want to make sure. It could be a cyst or a tumor, but it is not cancer.
Me: (I wanted to shout - WTF! but instead I said...) TUMOR?!
Dr. A: It could be a tumor or a cyst. But it is not cancer so relax. (Yeah right!)
I'm f*$k3d up! I heard the same $h!t all over again. Those were the exact words my family doctor and also my surgeon told me when I had breast cancer..."it could be a cyst or a tumor, it could be nothing".
I was so shocked yesterday that the news didn't sink in until I got home. Saw my hubby and explained what Dr A said. I was so mad. I broke down and cried. I cannot take another blow like this. I'm having the biopsy in two days and it will be a few weeks before I get the results.
I know that $h!t happens, but does the uncertainty of having another biopsy have to happen to me twice? I hope not. If you are reading this blog, please pray that it is negative for the "C" word coz I don't know what I will do if it is. I'm praying it is nothing.
Me (nonchalantly): Hey Dr. J, can you check what's on my palate? I can feel a blister like bump. It doesn't bug me, doesn't hurt nor is it growing.
Dr J: Yup, I see it's about 2cm x 2cm. How long have you had it?
Me: I dunno, forever? Maybe at least a couple of years.
Dr J: I'd like you to see a specialist just to make sure. It's probably nothing but better safe than sorry. It could be a bacteria, a cyst or infection
Uhm... I heard cyst...my heart skipped a beat! Oh no not again!!!!
Scene 2 - Specialist`s office
I saw Dr. A, asked me all the regular questions on new patients, my health history and why I was there. Fast forward, he examined my palate.
Dr. A: OK, I do see the bump and I would like to order a biopsy just to make sure what it is.
Me: (heart pounding like crazy) BIOPSY?! Why what is it?
Dr. A: It could be a number of things, we just want to make sure. It could be a cyst or a tumor, but it is not cancer.
Me: (I wanted to shout - WTF! but instead I said...) TUMOR?!
Dr. A: It could be a tumor or a cyst. But it is not cancer so relax. (Yeah right!)
I'm f*$k3d up! I heard the same $h!t all over again. Those were the exact words my family doctor and also my surgeon told me when I had breast cancer..."it could be a cyst or a tumor, it could be nothing".
I was so shocked yesterday that the news didn't sink in until I got home. Saw my hubby and explained what Dr A said. I was so mad. I broke down and cried. I cannot take another blow like this. I'm having the biopsy in two days and it will be a few weeks before I get the results.
I know that $h!t happens, but does the uncertainty of having another biopsy have to happen to me twice? I hope not. If you are reading this blog, please pray that it is negative for the "C" word coz I don't know what I will do if it is. I'm praying it is nothing.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Back to Normal?
On Saturday I had an unexpected visitor, my period. I thought my days of having my monthly visitor were done, finito! Guess not.
I couldn't believe it after like eight months of not having it at all. It was back. Instead of looking at it as a monthly nuisance I will take it that my body finally got rid of the chemo and everything is back to normal.
Same goes with my toenails, they are almost back to normal except for the tips of two biggest/smallest toes which still have a hint of darkness to it. In a couple of weeks I'll cut them off and they'll be as good as new. My fingernails are looking fabulous and quite honestly I never appreciated them more than I do now. Sometimes I just stare at them at disbelief they're back to normal. :)
My hair? It's getting there. It's the curliest it's ever been. They were curly when I was a child but not as curly as I have them now. It's still very short. The top part is still kind of thin. Thin enough that I still get conscious about it. Thin enough that I still wear my wig to work or at parties. Thin enough that I still wear a bandana when I go out of the house but I don't wear anything on my head when I am at home. But today was a big step for me. I talked to my neighbour for the first time without any head cover and it felt awesome. Someone might say so what, it was not a big deal. It was to me.
I know it may sound weird but after my chemo every little thing I do that makes me feel normal again is liberating! I feel like jumping for joy every single time, it even chokes me up sometimes, because I know in my own little way I won. I'm alive. I'm well. I'm happy. And if those are signs that I am indeed back to normal, well darn it, I am so glad I am!
I couldn't believe it after like eight months of not having it at all. It was back. Instead of looking at it as a monthly nuisance I will take it that my body finally got rid of the chemo and everything is back to normal.
Same goes with my toenails, they are almost back to normal except for the tips of two biggest/smallest toes which still have a hint of darkness to it. In a couple of weeks I'll cut them off and they'll be as good as new. My fingernails are looking fabulous and quite honestly I never appreciated them more than I do now. Sometimes I just stare at them at disbelief they're back to normal. :)
My hair? It's getting there. It's the curliest it's ever been. They were curly when I was a child but not as curly as I have them now. It's still very short. The top part is still kind of thin. Thin enough that I still get conscious about it. Thin enough that I still wear my wig to work or at parties. Thin enough that I still wear a bandana when I go out of the house but I don't wear anything on my head when I am at home. But today was a big step for me. I talked to my neighbour for the first time without any head cover and it felt awesome. Someone might say so what, it was not a big deal. It was to me.
I know it may sound weird but after my chemo every little thing I do that makes me feel normal again is liberating! I feel like jumping for joy every single time, it even chokes me up sometimes, because I know in my own little way I won. I'm alive. I'm well. I'm happy. And if those are signs that I am indeed back to normal, well darn it, I am so glad I am!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
It's Mother's Day! A day for all moms to get pampered and be queen for a day. It is a day to celebrate motherhood, a role that is so important yet at times taken for granted. I think a mom is the glue that keeps the family together. She keeps her hubby the man that he is today and will do anything and everything to make her children happy.
Although there may be times the role of a mom can be overwhelming and challenging, I will not trade it for the world. I love it when I hear my kids laughing, see them playing, spending time with them, watching them grow right before my eyes and saying the darnest things that you never thought kids would say.
Yesterday our six-year old son said "Mommy you will always be in my heart and I will always love you". Where did he hear that? He said he just thought about it and that he meant it. There I was extremely touched and tried to hold back my tears. Our 10-year old son also gave me a personal card that said "you are number 1, not number 2, I love you". Geez, I was so proud of them! Today hubby gave me a card that said "you're the love of my life". With those words, I'm a happy camper. :)
This year's Mother's Day is extra special! A year ago on May 4th was my last chemo session. Days leading to May 4th it was on my mind constantly and on the actual day I completely forgot about it. I had a crazy week at work to say the least and I won't get into that. But thanks to my wonderful hubby, he reminded me the day after that it was indeed a year after my last chemo session. I emailed my closest friends at work about it and they we're all proud of me.
It was a celebration. The fact that I surpassed one of the most difficult treatment a person could endure. It was a big feat! So our family went out for dinner to mark the occasion. We didn't tell the kids why we dined out that night. It was for me and Mark. We won our battle.
Although there may be times the role of a mom can be overwhelming and challenging, I will not trade it for the world. I love it when I hear my kids laughing, see them playing, spending time with them, watching them grow right before my eyes and saying the darnest things that you never thought kids would say.
Yesterday our six-year old son said "Mommy you will always be in my heart and I will always love you". Where did he hear that? He said he just thought about it and that he meant it. There I was extremely touched and tried to hold back my tears. Our 10-year old son also gave me a personal card that said "you are number 1, not number 2, I love you". Geez, I was so proud of them! Today hubby gave me a card that said "you're the love of my life". With those words, I'm a happy camper. :)
This year's Mother's Day is extra special! A year ago on May 4th was my last chemo session. Days leading to May 4th it was on my mind constantly and on the actual day I completely forgot about it. I had a crazy week at work to say the least and I won't get into that. But thanks to my wonderful hubby, he reminded me the day after that it was indeed a year after my last chemo session. I emailed my closest friends at work about it and they we're all proud of me.
It was a celebration. The fact that I surpassed one of the most difficult treatment a person could endure. It was a big feat! So our family went out for dinner to mark the occasion. We didn't tell the kids why we dined out that night. It was for me and Mark. We won our battle.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Darn it...
Breast cancer claimed another life....Lynn Redgrave, the actress. According to People.com - "She was 67 and had waged a lengthy battle with breast cancer." May she rest in peace.
It is words like these - "lengthy battle with breast cancer" or "lost her battle to breast cancer" that kind of hits a sore spot in me. It is something that ruins my good mood in a heartbeat. This is why there are times I do not read the newspapers or magazines at all because it depresses me when I read stuff about breast cancer or people losing their battle against this dreaded disease.
Life is full of uncertainties that one does not know what lies ahead. You just have to take it with a grain of salt. Live life to the fullest and pray to the good Lord up above that you will be okay and cancer-free for the rest of your life.
It is words like these - "lengthy battle with breast cancer" or "lost her battle to breast cancer" that kind of hits a sore spot in me. It is something that ruins my good mood in a heartbeat. This is why there are times I do not read the newspapers or magazines at all because it depresses me when I read stuff about breast cancer or people losing their battle against this dreaded disease.
Life is full of uncertainties that one does not know what lies ahead. You just have to take it with a grain of salt. Live life to the fullest and pray to the good Lord up above that you will be okay and cancer-free for the rest of your life.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Divine Intervention
These words have been on my mind the last couple of weeks. My mother mentioned to me that someone she knows also had breast cancer and that person believed that it was divine intervention that led her to find the lump on her breast while watching TV.
Was it also divine intervention that helped me find the tumor that morning in October 2008? It could have been. God works in mysterious ways and I would like to believe that might have been His way of telling me about my illness at an early stage.
To this day since I was diagnosed, I have left everything to God. Whatever His plans are for me, I live it up to Him to decide what is best for me. If I feel stressed and can't handle it myself, all I do is pray and somehow the stress eventually goes away. Divine intervention.
For any problems I have with family, work or friends, I ask for guidance and He is always leading me to the right way/decision. Divine intervention.
You gotta have faith, that's all.
Was it also divine intervention that helped me find the tumor that morning in October 2008? It could have been. God works in mysterious ways and I would like to believe that might have been His way of telling me about my illness at an early stage.
To this day since I was diagnosed, I have left everything to God. Whatever His plans are for me, I live it up to Him to decide what is best for me. If I feel stressed and can't handle it myself, all I do is pray and somehow the stress eventually goes away. Divine intervention.
For any problems I have with family, work or friends, I ask for guidance and He is always leading me to the right way/decision. Divine intervention.
You gotta have faith, that's all.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Don't Worry, Be Happy
Since I got ill, I worry about every single pain, bump, rash or anything in my body. Since the holidays, I developed a rash above my left breast. I also get terrible headaches. The area around my right arm/armpit is also bugging me. My breasts also feel different. So I went to see Dr. C.
Dr. C said the rash is eczema or dry skin. I have no lymphedema. The breast were normal. The headaches may be related to stress. I explained to her that since the cancer scare, I hold my breath whenever I check my breasts. Scared $h!t of any lumps or bumps I feel and terrified of any new stuff that I feel or see on my body. I became paranoid. Know what she said I worry TOO much. Ya think so?!?!?
Dr. C said I should stop worrying and enjoy life. She said I won the battle by beating the disease and it is now time for me to enjoy my life, be happy.
Stop worrying about my health? After what I've been to? That's easier said than done.
I'm trying my best to stay positive, for the most part I try to but quite honestly, it's hard especially when it is accompanied by stress.
Dr. C said the rash is eczema or dry skin. I have no lymphedema. The breast were normal. The headaches may be related to stress. I explained to her that since the cancer scare, I hold my breath whenever I check my breasts. Scared $h!t of any lumps or bumps I feel and terrified of any new stuff that I feel or see on my body. I became paranoid. Know what she said I worry TOO much. Ya think so?!?!?
Dr. C said I should stop worrying and enjoy life. She said I won the battle by beating the disease and it is now time for me to enjoy my life, be happy.
Stop worrying about my health? After what I've been to? That's easier said than done.
I'm trying my best to stay positive, for the most part I try to but quite honestly, it's hard especially when it is accompanied by stress.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Then and Now...
This time last year I was recovering from my first chemo and was thinking one down, five to go. :( This year I am in remission, hurray! :)
This time last year I finally picked my wig. :| Today I am still wearing it but I am so happy I'm getting my own hair back. Curly but what the heck, it's mine! :)
This time last year I was completely and utterly depressed, kept asking why me?!?!? :( This time I feel blessed for I am alive, well and as happy can be! :)
This time last year I finally picked my wig. :| Today I am still wearing it but I am so happy I'm getting my own hair back. Curly but what the heck, it's mine! :)
This time last year I was completely and utterly depressed, kept asking why me?!?!? :( This time I feel blessed for I am alive, well and as happy can be! :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
There is a time for everything
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
This was the scripture on my perpetual calendar for today. It is so true. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and there is a time for everything. I just thought I'd share it with everyone.
God bless. :)
This was the scripture on my perpetual calendar for today. It is so true. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and there is a time for everything. I just thought I'd share it with everyone.
God bless. :)
Friday, January 1, 2010
2 0 1 0
Tis the new year! 2010!
It has been a year since I started my blog, "Steph's Corner" and wrote my first entry. 2009 has, by far, been the most challenging year of my life. I'm glad that year is over and I'm looking forward to 2010 which, hopefully, will bring in more cheers, more happiness and good health.
It doesn't feel like a year has passed to me. It feels more like a decade after going through all those hardships and trials. Each month that passed felt like an eternity with all my treatments. It felt like there was no end in sight. But I surpassed all those. Hard as they were, I did it.
I'm welcoming 2010 with open arms unlike last year when I was dreading the months in 2009. Who knows what lies ahead, only God does. But with my new perspective in life, I'll live life to the fullest and enjoy life.
As the saying goes "out with the old, in with the new". Let's see what 2010 has in store for all of us. This may sound like a cliche but may the new year bring us hope, love, gratitude, happiness, fulfillment, good health and inner peace. And I mean that.
Cheers everyone! :)
It has been a year since I started my blog, "Steph's Corner" and wrote my first entry. 2009 has, by far, been the most challenging year of my life. I'm glad that year is over and I'm looking forward to 2010 which, hopefully, will bring in more cheers, more happiness and good health.
It doesn't feel like a year has passed to me. It feels more like a decade after going through all those hardships and trials. Each month that passed felt like an eternity with all my treatments. It felt like there was no end in sight. But I surpassed all those. Hard as they were, I did it.
I'm welcoming 2010 with open arms unlike last year when I was dreading the months in 2009. Who knows what lies ahead, only God does. But with my new perspective in life, I'll live life to the fullest and enjoy life.
As the saying goes "out with the old, in with the new". Let's see what 2010 has in store for all of us. This may sound like a cliche but may the new year bring us hope, love, gratitude, happiness, fulfillment, good health and inner peace. And I mean that.
Cheers everyone! :)
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