It's time to say goodbye....

I woke up feeling well today. I prepared the kids' breakfast, Josh's snack for school, had my coffee, checked my emails, Facebook and even did a blog entry this morning. Jason had a slight fever so he didn't go to school. I finished reading a book, did a few puzzles. I felt good until I took a shower late this afternoon. The time I dread most happened this afternoon, I'm starting to lose my hair. :(

I didn't notice it at first but the longer I washed my hair, the more came off. It was depressing, my body felt numbed. I said omigod repeatedly. I could not believe it was happening. I knew the day would come but it is a different feeling when it actually happens. I was a bit shocked, I shouldn't but I was. I came out of the shower, brushed my hair and I saw more came off. I sat on our bed with a blank stare. Joshua asked why I'm sitting doing nothing. I said I'm just thinking, I didn't have the heart to tell him I'm in shock.

I called Mark right away, he was on his way home and I told him what happened. I started crying. I lied down and cried until he arrived. I cried even more. As usual he tried to calm my fears and I found comfort in his arms. I told him it was devastating. I have not lost everything but my hair is thinner. No bald patches yet but it will happen soon.

Mark and my mother asked if I will get my hair buzzed. I don't know if I want to right away. I want to hold on to my hair as much as I can. I will have it buzzed when I can't handle it any more. My wig is ready for pick-up any time I want to. The wig place also offers free buzz cut whenever I'm ready.

My mother, who is always strong, positive and realistic, told me we know it was going to happen one day. But I told her it was just hard to accept and shocking to see my hair actually fall out more than a dozen at a time whenever I ran my fingers through it. She told me to be strong. She even suggested not to wash my hair so I will not be traumatized again. I don't know about that. I go crazy if I don't.

I read that some women find losing their hair worse than losing their breasts to cancer. I guess I feel that way. I don't care if I lose my breasts if it will make me live longer. The breasts and the scars I have from surgery are hidden under layers of clothing. I don't see it all the time. But what I read was true losing my hair will be totally different. Our hair is out there in the open. I see it all the time, not just me but everyone. I love my hair and it makes me feel good. Losing my hair is proof that I am having chemo, that I have cancer. Losing my hair means losing my confidence.

When the initial shock wears off, I hope I will feel better. Acceptance will be hard but as the saying goes, time heals all wounds, in this case, hair loss. I know I will because I got a great wig. :)

But I guess the time has come for me to brace myself, bid goodbye to my hair for now and say I'll see you later. :)