Big Decision

We all have to make decisions.  The decisions we make in life kind of defines who we are now and what we could be in the future.  It can be as simple as deciding what to wear in the morning or something as complicated as getting married/divorced, moving to a new country/city, getting a new job, etcetera.  So many things that we need to decide on and that's what life is all about...

I saw our family doctor, Dr. C, last Friday for a prescription refill and at the same time gave her an update what's been happening to me.  We talked for some time and then she asked if I considered other options. I asked... What other options do I have?  She simply said mastectomy.  I said all my doctors were against it when I asked for it.  Dr. C said that's because cancer was new to me and there were no other issues.  Lumpectomy was the best solution at that time. 

Dr. C said most women diagnosed with breast cancer the first time has the same reaction, they want mastectomy.  She called it the "initial shock reaction" of most women.  However after having experienced lumpectomy, some women changed their opinions and realized lumpectomy is not so bad after all.  They got rid of the lump and still have their breasts.

After having said that I asked her what made her say that mastectomy is now an option for me.  Dr. C explained that with the recent issues I've had with my breasts, my doctors might be more supportive of double mastectomy, if I asked for it.  Dr. C said the doctors will not recommend it to me up front but the decision lies solely on me if I want to do it or not.  She suggested that I start thinking about it, weigh all my options, the pros and cons, how it might affect me, my family, etcetera.  This is one major decision that I have to make that will have a huge impact on me physically, mentally and psychologically. 

I was overwhelmed.  It was too much information for me to handle on an early Friday morning and did set the tone how my weekend went.  I looked at myself in the mirror trying to imagine myself without breasts.  At one point I covered them with my hands and see what it may look like without them.  It was too much.  Argh!!!! 

I did my best to set aside this heavy thought of having mastectomy and concentrated on what's happening now.  I kept myself busy, spent time with our family and did the best therapy I know to cheer me up, shopping! 

I still have to make that decision at one point in the future and I am dealing with issues one day at a time.  That's one tough decision so I am praying for guidance to help me make the right choice. 

Decisions, decisions, decisions!!!  It's crazy!  What can I do?  Stop thinking about it maybe?  Maybe so because for now I have to face the next step and that is the MRI/biopsy scheduled next Tuesday, March 15th. (gulp!)