When Will It End?

The past couple of weeks I've had a series of tests - mammogram, breast ultra sound and breast MRI.  Three exposures to high levels of radiation, enough that I feel I can nuke a corn kernel and I can make it pop.  All those tests were requested by my new doctor, Dr. Y, so she can give me a second opinion to the cyst I have on my left breast.

Week 1 was mammo and the ultrasound.  I think it went well because the radiologist told me the mammo and ultrasound showed nothing of concern.  Mind you they only did an  ultrasound to the left breast.  But still, it was a relief to hear the cyst was just that, a cyst.  The lump I felt was a tissue growth or something.  The radiologist recommended that I come back in six months.

Week 2 was the breast MRI.  It was scheduled at 7:30 a.m. in Toronto. I was calm and kept my mind busy before the MRI.  Then they called me in.  A nurse interviewed me since it was my first MRI at that hospital.  She asked about my medical history and lumpectomy.  Afterwards, they took some blood samples, which apparently was a requirement if a patient has hypertension before doing the MRI.  There I was in a hospital gown, lying on a hospital bed and a nurse poking my arm to find a vein.  That was like a trip down memory lane when I had the surgery. It gave me shivers!  I did manage to stay calm because the good ol' nurse found a vein right away.  After she took the blood samples she had to leave a syringe with needle(!) taped to my arms, where the radiation dye was injected during the MRI.

I was able to muster enough courage not to take the claustrophic meds because I went on my own. I lied flat on my tummy with the breasts dangling from the machine.  The position was like getting a massage but at a different level.  When they "wheeled" me in the machine, I didn't open my eyes until it was over.  It was nerve wracking at first and was ready to hit the panic button but I prayed so hard that it helped me relax my nerves.  After awhile it was ok.  It took about 45 minutes to finish the MRI.  I was dizzy afterwards but it subsided after some time.  So I went to work.

Just before 4:00 p.m. on Friday, Dr. Y called me at work to let me know they found a "bright object" on my right breast.  It could be an old fluid from the lumpectomy or it could be something else.  Dr. Y would like me to take another ultrasound on the right breast to see what that "bright object" is.  If it is a fluid, they will drain it but if it is something else, another MRI has to be done.  Then she said the word I dread the most - recurrence.  Dr. Y said that it could be a recurrence.  It felt like my whole world stopped for a minute after she said that.  I think I was in denial of what she told me that I kept asking about the left breast.  Dr. Y said it is ok, nothing to worry about.  She was more concerned about the right breast.

WTF...my heart was racing. I was shocked and it took awhile for her message to sink in.  I stared at my computer for several minutes.  I called my girlfriend to cancel our dinner and then I broke down.  I cried!!!  I could not stand it any more so I left work in a hurry.  Driving home was not fun.  I cried non-stop and went into our room as soon as I got home. 

The news was so unexpected, even Mark was surprised with it.  I think I was crying because I was upset, mad, frustrated, scared and most of all helpless.  It is another ordeal I have to take, another challenge I have to face.  I called a few friends just so I could vent my frustrations and I think that helped.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Before going to bed that night, I prayed like I never prayed before.  I offered myself to God and let Him take care of me, heal me, comfort me and give me more strength to endure this new challenge.  It is all in His hands now, all we can do is pray.  I meditated, listened to some classical music to help calm my nerves and I fell asleep.  I woke up with some sense of "inner peace". I think it is God's way of comforting me that everything will be ok.  I could also be in shock and just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore.

All I know was that I had to be strong for our kids and that's what motivated me to be strong this weekend and take each day one day at a time.  To think positive even if that "positive well" is running dry. I'm getting tired of this battle.  All I can do is pray, it's another thing that keeps me going. But in spite of that, I cannot help but think - "When will it end?"

Only time will tell....