Here I Go Again

I woke up early this morning feeling unsure.  I had an appointment at the hospital at 7:45 a.m.  It was for the three month follow-up breast ultrasound.  After I finished packing our kids' lunch for school and got dressed up for work, I went to the hospital.

It felt like I was a robot this morning, like going for an ultrasound was the norm.  Maybe I was numb from it all by now.  I checked in, answered all the usual questions they ask me before an ultrasound and waited for my turn.  The wait was not too bad, maybe five minutes tops.  The lady who did the ultrasound asked my health history and like they always do, she did small talks.  I was kind of hoping she woudn't talk to me because it stresses me more when they do.  My mind goes crazy trying to interpret what they mean whenever they say something.  But I have no control of that.  It was uncomfortable every time she put pressure on my breast.  But I remember what Dr. P said, if it hurts, it`s benign.  That`s what kept me strong.

While she was doing the test, I debated if I should look at the images or not.  Initially, I decided not to.  Lesser stress I thought.   Then the "dreaded" time came when she told me, "wait here, I have to look at the pictures".  She was gone for like 15 minutes so I was not able to control myself and I looked at the scanned images.  The cyst was "highlighted" with arrows to show where it actually is and maybe to measure the size of it.  The anxiety level went up!  She came back and told me to go home.  The results will be sent to my doctors in a weeks time.

I felt the same way from the time I woke up to the time I left the hospital, feeling unsure.  Who knows what lies ahead.  All I could think of was, here I go again.