Mentally Drained

Oh what a stressful week it has been, mentally!!!  I was happy because I was on vacation.  All that crumbled and turned into anxiety, depression, fear and worried sick about my health.

It all started last Tuesday when I had my annual mammo and left breast ultrasound.  I think the mammo was ok but my blood pressure sky rocketed when I was almost done with the breast ultrasound.  I tried to take a peak at the images on the screen.  The techie lady was moving the mouse-like scanner over my breast, pressed it as hard as she could.  It was done but before she discharged me, the lady told me to stay put because she wants to a doctor before I leave.  Horrible thoughts flashed through my mind that instant, it was the same crap I had when they found the lump on my right breast.  I was terrified.  I was numb.  After 10-20 minutes, which felt like an eternity, the techie lady told me I can go. 

I called Mark as soon as I got out of the room and I just balled my eyes out.  I was extremely scared and was ready to give up that it was like reliving the past.  Mark, bless his heart, said everything to calm my nerves but it was useless.  I cried so bad, it was depressing.  I left the hospital, completely psyched myself and tried to put brave face on because I had to pick up our kids from my in-laws.  I was afraid to go home because I was terrified of getting a phone call from Dr. C.  I did everything to keep my mind off it and went out with the kids.  I was in a zone and my mind was blank.  Totally terrified!  It was nerve wracking and felt my heart stopped everytime our phone rang last week.  But fortunately, I did not get the call from Dr. C.  Whew!  I was fine after that and even had fun whatever was left of my vacation.

And then came today.... I was fine most of the day then I started feeling sick early this evening.  The right side of my head is aching.  It feels like my right eye hurts.  It could be migraine.  But then it could be something else.  The anxiety that it could be related to the palate is driving me nuts.  God I hope not.

The stress meter is rising again because we will finally meet the specialist in downtown Toronto on Wednesday.  Please pray for me.  The last thing I need these days is stress and basically that is what I have had the past few weeks.  It is not helping me at all.  I will do anything just to relieve the stress because quite frankly it is draining me out, physically, emotionally and mentally.