Crossing the Finish Line

Crossing the finish line in a marathon or a racing event usually means feeling elated, beaming with pride and a prize awaits you - a medal, a trophy, or cash whether you are the grand prize winner, a runner-up or by simply having a sense of accomplishment that you did it.

In my case, it was my chemo. I feel like a sprinter that just finished six long and high hurdles which were my chemo. It was a very tough five-month race and I've crossed the finish line. The chemo's over and the worst of the pains are gone. So why don't I feel any sense of relief? Why am I not happy?

Back in January before my treatment started, all I could think of was May 4th, the last chemo. That day could not come fast enough. It was my goal. It was my finish line. Now that it came it was uneventful. I still feel the same as I did in January - unsure and scared.

Our neighbour raised a good point yesterday, she said part of the reason might be because Dr. K shrugged me off when I asked him how will I know the chemo did its job and the cancer has not spread. Dr. K rudely (from my point of view at least) told me: "you won't know if it works or not". Talk about getting assurance from your doctor...not! (Dr. K's really getting on my nerves!!!) Anyway my neighbour said it is the fact that I don't know what's going to happen next and she thinks maybe the sense of relief will come when Dr. K says (hopefully and I'm praying!) the cancer is gone or has not spread. Possible.

I talked to a peer counsellor the other day and raised the same issue. She said what I'm feeling is normal and the sense of relief will come in due time. I was told most cancer patients feel the same way after chemo. That wasn't much help but I'm just glad I talked to someone who knows exactly what I'm going through and what I'm feeling is not unusual.

Anyway instead of wallowing when that feeling of happiness or relief will come, I'm concentrating on getting well, besides, I have to psych myself for radiation. I have roughly three weeks before it starts, I will need all the rest and relaxation I can get because it will be another race I have to do, another hurdle I have to endure, and another finish line I have to cross.